adult with a mum with BPD (and a sober alcoholic) - Al-Anon Family Group

rosielee · Senior Member

adult with a mum with BPD (and a sober alcoholic)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

its a great place to vent

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rosielee,

Welcome to this message board. It's a great place and one that I'm pretty certain can be a benefit to you.

My mother, now deceased, had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) too. I can relate to what you've written.

I didn't know they had a name for her condition until about 10 years ago. A professional never diagnosed her because she refused to return after 1 visit to a psychologist. Her refusal is very characteristic of this disorder. It's a very difficult disorder to treat, according to the psychologist that I went to for help.

Yes, persons with BPD often try to buy love; that is, bestow gifts on people; but oh, did these people have to watch their backs if they did not keep her on a pedistal. And I certainly understand the "on-off" switch that they seem to have. Truly, I was either an angel in her eyes or the devil. There was no in between. I was1 of her 3 children that stood up to her; therefore, I was often on her "hit list." It was painful to hear what she would tell people about me, and some who did not know me well, believed her. That was quite painful.

When I did learn that there is a name for her disorder, I bought a lot of books on the subject to help me begin to understand how to deal with it. Honestly, she did have a lot of the same traits as my alcoholic husband (when he was active). If you're interested in reading about the disorder, you can do some research online, just go to Google. Or you can go to some place such as Amazon.com and do a search. Reading the book, Surviving a Borderline Parent was like reading about my childhood.

Truly, persons with BPD are suffering deeply. Life has to be very painful for them. I don't recall my mother ever being happy for any length of time. There was always a crisis in her mind. It was hell inside her head.

I no longer have the resentments I once had for her. Reading, going to private counseling and now, Al-Anon meetings helped me to let go of the past, accept it and move on.

My mother passed this summer. I could honestly sit by her bedside while death was near and talk to her lovingly and meant every word. She was semi-concsious, so I don't know if she heard me. I am so thankful that I was given the understanding before she passed.

It might be difficult to think that you could learn to let go of her self-absorbed ways despite her disorder, but I'm writing to you to tell you that it is possible. I, too, was estranged from her for several years because I didn't know how to handle her ways. Plus, I kept her at bay to protect our two young sons at the time. It hurt deeply, way beyond words could describe.

Al-Anon can give you the tools to overcome the hurt and frustration of dealing with your mother. She's ill as you well know.

You can send me a private message if you care to discuss this further. I'm open to sharing my journey with BPD.

Take good care of you, Gail

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your post Rosielee! Today, I had been struggling with my mother in a big way. She never went for help, so there is no diagnosis, but she is obviously not well. What you and GailMichelle describe has resonance and familiarity with my mother's behavior, maybe with the addition of hallucinations.

She periodically looses touch with reality, fabricating stories that seem to be geared to create chaos, where people (in this case me) are hurting her and doing her wrong. Recanting her tales to me and others is very hurtful, but somehow in each case, she is the one who claims to be hurt. She is tenacious with her versions of reality, perceives things as black and white, is unable to show compassion or empathy towards others, insists she is always right and always NEEDS to be right.

I spent my childhood adapting and adjusting. It is only now that I can see so clearly that there is no pleasing the unpleasable. Yet, today, she begged for my love and friendship and in the same breath insulted my character and called me a liar for not agreeing with her distortions. She does unspeakable things in her efforts to control and manipulate the situation to her favor. Communicating with her is increasingly challenging. I'd find peace with less contact, but it is important for me to speak with my Dad on a regular basis.

Thank you again for your post. It is good to know I'm not alone.

(((((Rosielee)))))) Lots of love to you too!!!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the best pieces of advice I got here was ( treat everyone you meet as if thier alcoholic ) which made no sence to me at the time today it means to work my program in all of my relationships using Al-Anon principles, when I can do that i set boundaries for my relationships I decide who I will spend time with not them . I can be respectful to them treat them with kindness but stick to my boundaries .. granted I also realize it is very difficult for you since it is your mother your dealing with . I have a friend who is BP so I understand your stuggle but as you said * she is a sick lady* take care of you , dont take on the guilt and allow her to be who she needs to be , but not at your expence . Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

i do very well. My mother tantrumed till the day she died.

Revising expectations was so key for me.

Towards the end she called one of my sisters more than 20 times a day. Then she'd say things like her husband stole from her! Of course people were always stealing from her but she had nothing to steal!

You have my empathy.

There is a lot of grief in there.

Maresie.

rosielee · Senior Member

my heartfelt thanks to your replies- i honestly didnt think i had any- its only by chance i come on to see- and then i see genuine- intelligent replies to my post- you have no idea how much i needed to just hear "ive experienced this too"

i just need to say, i needed to vent, and ive left out all of my mums good qualities in my post- and she does have good qualities.
she also has my committment and support- as was rightly pointed out- bpd is not good for the sufferer.
its taken me a lifetime to suss out- she doesnt choose to be this way and suffers herself from impulse behaviour- the embarrassment afterwards- lucky she knows- that i moan and winge but i do genuinely accept her for who she is- and this can take years to try and do- but i do genuinely think she can be as mad as she likes but i do need boundarys set

you are so right!!

i need to be assertive and firm- i am not here to prop her up- shes never propped me up in the way that i needed and wanted.
that said, its really important to let go of he need to have a normal parent- as its not fair on that parent

anyhoo.....i said to my son (who is 16) look- you are old enough- you can take her phonecalls for a while- (is that bad? ive never done it before) as i need t get off these tablets and this just has to come first. he seems to manage her fine- shes so different with him- shes try to be better and not repeat mistakes- her granchild is her second chance. but with me- she cant help but pile on the pressure- if there is no pressure - shell invent some- it will be- my garden needs cutting- etc. there is always something shell nag at
i know she cant help it- but its pressure for me, and its full on- whilst i can totally accept someone is sick- i also need a break from this constant pressure.

after all- how would she cope if i piled it onto her all the time? honestly- its rediculous- her head must be so stressed

but i also hink its habit...its her way of communicating and she thinks she is parenting if she is nagging on about something

it just means he pressure cooker boils for me and i need to release the steam

thanks so much for letting me release that pressure!!!!!!

xxxxx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.