Also, I wanted to talk about th efact I am SICK AND TIRED of checking up on the amount of alcohol, if his breath wreaks, if he is passed out on the couhc, etc. I CANNOT do this anymore. It is ruining me. I always wake up in the middle of the night to ask him to come to bed if he hasn't and it is killing me when I see him passe out. I need to focus on Me right?? I need to ignore it all unless he is a danger to himself or us, right? At this point, I don'tbelieve naything he says about the drinking and I will just let him make his own mistakes, right? I am not his mom. Even my kids said this to me. they don't even want us to get divorced, which surprises me. They say we can work it out. BTW, th eonly time he drinks a lot is late at night when everyone is in bed so usually the kids dont see anything...it's just me and it makes me crazy. I have to stop checking up and I want to stop having the same discussion about it almost every day.
It is consuming me.
Soemone please tell me how you deal with this...I want to make it clear that he doesn't hit anyone...he does get a little beligerent...but he mostly just falls asleep and acts like a baby. ugh

(((Kim)))

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You've found the right place.

First, Kim your not a bad mother. We become as sick or sicker than our alcoholic without realizing it. You said: "but please be humble......that's all I ask." I'll do better, I'll give you a hug. More important you need to give yourself a hug, then take a deep breath and start taking care of yourself.

Many newcomers come to MIP asking for "advice" wanting a quick fix from the problems alcohol has caused in their life. I was the same when I found the Al-Anon program. I found out the "advice" I wanted would come to me from other members who had walked in my shoes and wanted me to have what they had. The advice was in the from of experience, strenght, and hope......what had worked for them. Recovering from the effects doesn't happen over night, but you have made a giant step by already attending your first Al-Anon meeting and coming here. This program will give you the tools to make yoiur life better, one day at a time.

I've done all the things you have done. I did them over and over again but nothing changed except I continued to get sicker. I can't stress enough how important it is to keep going to your meetings and keep coming back to MIP. Your life will get better. That's my experience, strength, and hope for you. 

Your not alone anymore....Start your recovery.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 4th of September 2011 02:42:39 PM

-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 4th of September 2011 05:12:31 PM

Hello, Kim, and welcome!

You have not failed as a mother because of someone else's actions. When someone else cheats or does something else bad, that is THEIR bad behavior to accept responsibility for - not ours to internalize and think that we could've prevented. Someone else behaving badly does not have any bearing on you being a good mother. Rest assured, that is not your responsibility. :)

I grew up in an alcoholic family. I would've given anything to have been able to express my feelings about it at the dinner table. In my family of origin, violence would've ensued if anyone had dared to mention my mother's drinking. My stepfather would've immediately jumped in and gone for the throat in defense of my mother - either just shutting the conversation down entirely or trying to diffuse the tension by turning the whole thing around and denying the existence of any problem. Out of earshot of my mom, I was strongly advised to never say another word about it. I was conditioned to deny outwardly that there was a problem, and push the internal thoughts to the back and convince myself that the problem was all in my mind.

I think it sounds healthy that your children feel secure enough that they can verbalize what they feel. Maybe they aren't feeling good about it, but it's certainly good that they can say so. Have you tried taking them to Alateen? I would really have benefitted from that program if someone had taken me. I plan to take both of my boys when they are old enough because they both have alcoholic fathers...one sober and one not, but who knows how the situation will be when they're old enough to go. The only certainty is change. But whether their dads are drinking or not, they're victims of the family disease of alcoholism, as I am.

As far as your statements about your husband's agreement to go to Alanon and AA both with you - meaning, you'll both be going to those meetings? In my experience, I cannot always say what's truly on my mind and heart with my AH sitting right next to me, and getting rigorously honest with myself and others is the only way I'm gonna get better. While we do attend open AA meetings together sometimes, they are not discussion meetings but speaker meetings. We have to keep our programs of recovery separate. Each of us takes responsibility only for our own meetings. As part of my recovery, I had to learn and accept that just like I can't control his drinking, I can't monitor his recovery. I can't make him go to meetings. Each person's recovery is their own responsibility. When I first found recovery, I thought all the things we were going to have to do separately would mean that we wouldn't be close anymore. Just the opposite happened. I didn't realize that we were actually 2 separate people. Everything about our relationship was "we," and I thought that was healthy and how marriage was supposed to be. My perspective changed over time, though. I realize now that being only part of "we" and having no identity of my own is not healthy. My entire life was focused on his drinking ... when, whether, how much, etc. If he was sober, I was happy. If he was drunk, I was miserable and had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't just go out to dinner with the girls - all I could do was sit there and think of ways to control the drinking. I was obsessed and I had no life of my own. This is not the way it is anymore, by the grace of HP. My AH and I are no longer enmeshed, but we are closer than we ever were before because we're individually so much healthier. It sounds so scary at the beginning of recovery, but over time I realize I was just scared of the unknown. I had no idea how to be my own person. I'd never done it before.

I am glad you tried an Alanon meeting and found it helpful. The meetings saved my life. In the rooms of Alanon, you'll discover that you can find happiness whether or not anyone else continues to drink or gets sober. Recovery is a confusing business at first, but you're well on your way. Keep coming back!


Summer

Thank you White Rabbit. I had never even thought of the idea it was good that my kids felt comfortable enough to say something at the dinner table. We always encourage them to talk about anything with us. My husband is very open...of course he said he didn't think he was an alcoholic. But I am thankful he did acknowledge he has a problem with alcohol. Maybe he just doesn't like the word alcoholic :) 

When they said these things, I couldn't handle it and went to my room and cried. It was immature on my part but I was on emotional overload. I came back to the table after 10 min or so. In my family of origin, we didn't talk about much either...there wasn't a drinking issue, but there were issues of my own I wish I could have talked about with my mom. She is a child of an alcoholic, so I know she has a lot of communication difficulties. I am sure I will learn more about that as I keep going ot meetings.

Thanks for sharing