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My AH is in AA and is currently 30 days out from his last relapse. He has tried to quit drinking for the past two years, had several relapses but is trying to stop drinking. My current problem is that he is very hateful and angry all the time. I saw him relaxed and happy for a couple days during an inpatient recovery stint but other than that he is miserable. At this point I don't know how much longer I want to put up with this. It is almost as if he feels he has a right to be a jerk because he can't drink and he is miserable. I have been attended Al-Anon and am learning to detach from his moods and move on with my own recovery and open up my life to the outside world more instead of isolating. But I am wondering if I am enabling his jerkness by not standing up to him and just going off on him every now and then. He treats me and the kids and all of their freinds horribly. I work with him and he treats everyone he works with horribly as well and in general tears everyone else around him apart. I am sick of his judgmental nature and his attitude toward me, the kids and everyone in general.
Can anyone advise how to put up boundaries on behavior? I understand this could be part of his alcholic diseased-mind or it could be he has just changed and I'm not an emotional wreck over it but really I don't feel like living like this anymore. So far I've had the attitude that I need to let him work his own recovery program at his own pace. When he acts like a jerk I try to detach and basically leave or try to say something positive. But more and more I don't want to even be around him anymore. Do I need to work on acceptance more or just lay it out there with him that I'm at the end of my rope?
its hard when you have someone so dominant and nasty- is he sober? if so this should make it easier- he should be going to meetings daily- where other AA members can put him straight on a few things....or where he can vent and get support.
if it were me- id say- you need those meetings buddy- as i am at the end of my rope
its fair to give someone warning.
yu just got to muster up the guts to stand your ground and be assertive- talking to your family like crap is not on- his belief system is probably so sqewiff right now he probably doesnt realise it
its a lot of therapy he is needing right now.
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 4th of September 2011 02:59:16 PM
Sober does not mean happy as your finding out . If you can remember that nothing you say or do will cause him to drink were simply not that powerful . our detachent pamphlet states to not allow ourselves to be used or abused in the name of anyones recovery .. his body is screaming for booze and he is hurting but your not the reason this is happening .. the first boundary I set was in exactly the situation your describing I told my husb I was sorry that he was having a rough time but if he didnt lower his voice and speak to me like he would anyone else I was going to leave the room , he didnt stop so it was up to me to enforce the statement and leave the room . It was safe for me to turn my back and leave the room as violence had never been a problem in our home. It didnt take him long to figure out that I was serious and things began to change ..
rosielee, yes he is sober. I think what you mentioned about his belief system hit the nail on the head. It is off for sure. I am making sure I get to more Al-Anon meetings to get stronger - my guts are still not mustered enough and I am not letting my self get sucked into his world again.
Abbyal - Thank you for mentioning the not allowing being used/abused in the name of anyones recovery. I think that is EXACTLY what me and the kids are experiencing and he expects us to put up with it because he feels like he is going through so much. And he might be but I need to put a boundary up on what I will or will not tolerate for my own sanity. I think I have been doing well with detaching but not good with assertiveness.
Welcome to Miracles K. My H is a bully from time to time too. The more I let it go the happier I've become but I need to qualify that. If he's truly mean and hateful and aggressive verbally, I leave the room immediately, with him in the middle of a sentence. He rarely treats me that way anymore because I've taught him that I expect him to treat me with dignity and respect. I've written more about that in previous posts so if you go to my page you can find all my posts. My therapist taught me not to allow him or anyone to treat me with less than dignity and respect. My H has learned that lesson but it took a lot from me. I've interrupted his rants with "I expect you to treat me with dignity and respect" and have repeated it nonstop through his rants when I couldn't escape, from the car, for example. He improved little by little when he realized that I would leave him sitting with no one to bully but himself when he acted disrespectfully toward me or that I calmly would repeat that phrase over and over while refusing to engage in a stupid battle with a brain damaged alcoholic who was always impaired whether using or not. Knowing that he isn't "normal" but that he is mentally ill helps keep it in perspective for me too.
I know that children learn what they live so when you tell your H without anger in your voice that you expect him to treat you and your children with dignity and respect and then accept nothing less, they will love you and respect you for it. At first my H would do everything to enmesh me in his hateful insanity but I would have nothing of it and would leave. By all means if I had had children in the home I would have removed them from his presence rather than let him bully them. We wouldn't stand by and allow a stranger to bully our children so why do we moms let their fathers do it to them??? It's bullying behavior. Unacceptable. My mother allowed my father to physically and verbally abuse my brother and me, inconsistently. Once when I was in high school he would have killed me if she hadn't stepped in but otherwise she let him mistreat us. She never did it herself but neither did she stop him other than that one time that I remember. That memory actually hurts me more than what my father did. She was raised in a good home by kind educated parents. He himself was beaten and humiliated as a child. His mistreatment was more excusable than hers because a mother's first priority is to protect her children.
Keep coming back. I feel your every emotion because I've experienced them all. Sending you love and strength.
Over the years I have discovered that just because my AH is having a bad day doesnt mean I have to. In the beginning my sponsor suggested it was ok to have a plan b and practice boundaries such as Abbyal said before. I would take the kids to the park, or politely excuse myself to the bathroom to take a shower, or get in the car to drive. What I was doing was giving the disease back to him. He is welcome to sit in his own misery.
Today I have choices. Each day I have the power to enjoy or destroy. If the bad behavior is present, I can choose to stay and set boundaries or spend the afternoon alone or with my children creating a fun day. When I keep the focus on myself and find ways for which I can have a good life, all the other pieces fall into place.
When he's behaving badly you are just standing up for yourself if you tell him his behavior is not acceptable and refuse to buy into it.
Alcoholism effects everyone in the family. We all get sick. 'Going off' on someone is something else and is why your own recovery is important.
At 30 days of not drinking I'd expect him to be pretty 'raw'. IF he actaully starts working a program and stays in recovery himself, expect him to be on an emotional roller-coaster and a loose cannon for the 1st year or so.
