expectations - my bad - Al-Anon Family Group

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

expectations - my bad

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pineapple

I am so sorry . This disease is so painful and devastating. Glad you came here to share and I will keep you in my prayers. I do understand

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

could you look at it as a reminder to yourself, rather than you did something wrong. You have learned. I don't know about you, but in the past I probalby would have gone in there and woken him and told him what I thought, smelled his breath, made sure he knew he was 'wrong'.
You went to your room and watched your movie as you had planned to do....
to me, I think you did well...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Pineapple, that is sad, but keep those 3 C's in mind here. Don't beat yourself up over his disease. It's sort of the same as when someone has cancer and the couple goes out and has fun and forget that one of them has terminal cancer for a little while. The only difference being, he can choose to go into remission when he wants. You could tell him how you feel. I'm guessing you have done that though and it didn't inspire any change. Some folks will get sober when their loved ones really spell it out and do so with boundaries. Only you can decide how much contact you can stand to have with him while he is actively drinking and what, if any, relationship you can keep. As you also seem to know, you do that for your own sanity so that you don't wind up feeling like a sucker even though as I stated at the start of this....it's not your fault, not your disease, and not worth beating yourself up over.

Mark

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Pineapple,

It is disappointing to see the glimpse to have it snatched away. Something that has helped me with my A is to stop taking what he does or doesn't do personally. It's the addiction and his addiction has nothing to do with me personally. I'm going to cross talk probably .. sorry .. something pinkchip said earlier though which really resonated with me. Take you out of his addiction and he will act the same way. It's not a personal thing that has anything to do with you. I do understand the disappointment that A's just can't seem to see past the next high. I'm glad you decided to watch your movie and I hope you enjoyed it!! :)

Hugs P :)

lasthope · Veteran Member

Awww Pine I so feel your pain but you allowed the pain to just be and that's progress.

I've reduced my expectations to below zero
because of so many disappointments. Someone posted that current expectations are
future resentments. So true.

In the past two weeks alone my H cancelled baseball game plans with friends for tickets
that had cost $160 each for four of us, visit to farmers' market, dinner plans with friends
and promise to take me to bus one morning for work. Since starting working this program
though I no longer scold him. I remain calm and centered rather than raging. I allow
the anxiety to come and go. I don't feel compelled to DO something about it.

When I told him in the kindest possible voice that I was disappointed because we missed
a, b, c, and d and that it was hard on me watching him withdraw from opiates,
he yelled at me, telling me I didn't have any idea what he was going
through because I was at work or at asleep! I checked his breathing a few times, worked
with a knot in my stomach, had to deep breathe the anxiety away and you know the
drill. Meanwhile he yelled at me telling me I never feel like doing anything after work
because I'm too tired! Psychologists would call that projection. Projecting the behavior he
prefers not to see onto me. I call it exhausting.

Never has he ever in nine years together acknowledged that he could see how his consistent pot smoking,
alcohol abuse, opiate abuse, and lying, sneaking, manipulative behavior impacts me.
It's as if I exist only when he needs sex or an audience. The relationship has room for him
and his needs and nothing more.
I think that's narcissism in addition to addiction, or because of addiction? Or maybe
it's intertwined? I call that lonely. Thank God for this place to find support and understanding.
Warm hugs to you and thanks for sharing.

rara avis · Senior Member

Wow, this has been a really eye opening thread. My RA is - obviously - dry, but I have been having the exact same experience, and the "when will I ever learn" too. Now to protect myself I keep my expectations to zero. Could be personality/addiction/adhd/narcissim based, who knows? The action is the same regardless of the cause.

Thanks for sharing, you have made me feel less crazy! hugs!
rara avis

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks to everyone for your replies.
hotrod-Yes, it IS painful. Your prayers are appreciated.
LindaO-You're right. I have learned. In the past I would have done just what you described. But I know now that all it would have done is made ME angry.
pinkchip-I'm done telling him how I feel about incidents like this. He already knows. As far as how much contact I want to have with him, I wish we could separate completely but that's not possible due to reasons too long and too personal to share here. So that does make it a little harder.
pushka-I realize it's not personal, but it was such a disappointment all the same. As you mentioned..getting that little glimpse of the person I love then having it snatched away... I did enjoy the movie.
lasthope-I no longer expect much of anything from him as far as telling me the truth, staying sober, helping with the work around here, etc. But things were going so well last night I expected it to continue if even just for a few hours. I have to remember to enjoy what small times with him that I can when I can, but not to expect ANYTHING .
rara avis -I'm glad my post made you feel less crazy. You're not alone. And neither am I.
I am so thankful to have this place to come to. It really does help to get ESH, love and support from others who understand.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Myself I took things as they came. I am telling you life is easier this way. I see your share as wonderful as you were able to have some precious time with him. In my head I would have thought well if he shows he does, if not he does not.

Please don't be down on yourself! YOU my dear are doing great.

hugs,debilyn

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

In support... it is so hard to not have our expectations met... I get resentful still too, but you know I am learning about serenity and how much I like that too... Take the good times and enjoy them. Doing things for myself help me :) Come on here and post, thats what I use to get out of my own head... Great job going and watching the movie anyway! :)

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

As I am learning to detach (and stay detached), I've discovered it is easier for me to live and let live when my AH is deep within the ugly parts of his addiction. Those are the times when I find it easiest to go on with my life. The part that always trips me up is when I see the glimpse of what he was and what we were. I feel myself being pulled back in, craving and hoping it will last for a few more minutes, hours, days... It is hard for me to stay detached when AH is being nice because I remember what he once was.

Even the good times are hard.

lory · Member

I sure can relate with you very very tired I do feel the same u do about my AH

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pineapple,

I sure do know the pain of which you speak of. I've been there countless times.

You did the best thing by watching the movie by yourself and not causing an argument. Good job!

As you know, my former husband is in recovery. It's been a little over 3 months. He's had many attempts at recovery before (he's 60). This time is very different. For one thing he is open & honest with himself (self-honesty is so important) and me.

He now tells me that my past nagging didn't help any. When he drank and I nagged and lectured, it only compounded his self-hatred and it caused him to drink even more. What I did gave him no hope. This went on for years.

I now know that the best thing I could have done for us is to take care of myself. For too many years I believed that I could only be happy IF he stopped drinking. Now I realize it's so untrue. I'm responsible for my happiness, regardless of what he decides to do.

Again, good job. I know it's so disheartening getting a glimpse of what he was like before. But keep your chin up and do the next right thing. It will get better for you regardless what he does. Believe that.

Take good care, Gail

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks GailMichelle, I think I needed to hear that today about how our nagging actually makes them feel bad. That is not what I want to achieve at all.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks again, to everybody for the esh and support. It was just what I needed. I AM going to be OK.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had many many similar moments. I think they go along with dealing with alcoholism. I don't think its about when will we learn. Expectations are a normal part of living. I have to constantly check mine all the time.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.