The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One day left to go and then i return to my home state .. I have watched the primary alcoholic in my life flip his last switch .. i'm just too tired and angry to watch anymore but i'm not really angry and tired with him .. i'm angry and tired with myself .. the lies i've told myself to survive .. the ones like .. he loves me .. he cares .. he'll miss me terribly if i go .. won't be able to live without me .. he'll come chasing after me and realise the second i walk out the door what a great girl i am and how he's a fool to let me go, etc.. the drama goes on ..
The hardest piece of reality for me to accept is how much i've accepted from him and from others .. growing up, i never knew what acceptable behavior looked like because none of it was .. my own behavior is the most unacceptable of all in that i'm the one who taught others it was ok to behave around me the way they did .. i've treated myself in such a harmful way and my number one amends needs to be to take care of me and get myself back to steady meetings ..
alcoholism is such a thief .. when i think of what it stole from my family .. my children .. me personally .. after all these years i'm alone and i feel like the only one who feels this way .. family is scattered and basically no more .. my daughter depends on me to support her and i can hardly support myself .. i stayed in this relationship because i distanced so much from friends and others .. everything has changed and i'm watching my life pass me by .. Ironically and sickenly i've turned to cigarrettes for a few minutes peace and companionship .. i'm not in the best health and worry everyday i won't be here in ten years .. hell five ..
i will wake up in the morning and want to die because i wrote this but hopefully noone will recognize my name .. I'm plain tired ..
I need to find a better job and wonder who will want me now and how that will ever happen .. as i learn to put these problems in their true perspective i know they will lose their power over me .. but i'm so hurting tonight because this all is honestly what i feel tonight .. my alcoholic refuses to talk to me and does nothing but dig the dagger insulting me calling me a bitch and literally pushing me out of his picture ..
even during his best of times, the second there's something fun .. he'll oust me .. turn on me in a heartbeat and on our daughter .. it's absolutely ridiculous .. i'm lonely from not having shared what i've needed and just blatantly tired and fed up .. there is nothing anyone can really say that will change this overnight or be an instant fix but i've decided if my alcoholic is trying so hard to separate me from his family in their presence by creating a random unprovoked crisis or making me the butt of his jokes .. i will give him his family time together and spend the time at home tomorrow while the rest of them go on their family outting .. this in turn will separate me even more from the alcoholics who have no actual understanding of anything and continue to blame others for their every thought, feeling, and reaction ..
fed up .. soooo much .. thanks for being here for me to vent ..
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 6th of September 2011 01:07:47 PM
You will wake up in the morning and it will be a new day. That's the biggest gift the program has given me no matter what is going on in my life the next day is a new day to start over in step 1. Sending you, love support. Addiction robs everyone involved we can only do the best that we can do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Every day is a new day to embrace. I can start over and have a good attitude or not. I hope you can find yourself in a different place this morning. Maybe take a walk, enjoy a coffee, read a book... Here is a quote from One Day at a time that just struck me ...for January 3rd, page 3...
"On this day I promise God and myself that I will let go of the problem which is destroying my peace of mind. I pray for detachment from the situation, but not from the suffering drinker who may be helped to find the way to sobriety through the change in my attitude and the love and compassion I am able to express."
It says "why do I waste my precious time and energy trying to figure out what makes an alcoholic drink....all I need to know is that he suffers from a disease--alcoholism, the compulsion to drink."
Basically what is working for me is to remember that it is a disease, and I have it too. Its a mind, body and spiritual disease. My addiction is to chaos and adrenalin which my A would create for me, if I stayed on him about things...he would go drink and I would get my chaos....which in turn feeds his disease of guilt and shame and he drinks as a symptom of it.
Would I want people mad at me all the time or would I want to be treated kindly. Remember, Don't React and Remain Calm. I have to quit taking it personally, because they don't drink to make me feel bad. They drink because that is what they do. What are you going to do? I am learning to live in the now. HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am glad that you took the time to express your deep feelings and awareness. Honesty about where I am and how I feel was a great gift of this program.
I found that Sharing lessens the pain and once I have done so new possibilities present themselves. You are right all this will not change overnight but with this acknowledgement change has begun.
Please keep coming here and sharing , find a few face to face meetings in your community , use the tools, live One Day at a Time and very soon the page will turn
Dig deep, go to those meetings and don't let your situation become a case of crippling clinical depression. There is hope and you will figure it all out with the help of your HP and alanon.
thanks to everyone who shared .. it's all so helpful to me .. hotrod/betty .. thank you .. your words hit home .. a little .. i so need meetings, i just am unable for the moment .. i will recommit when i get back to my home town.. i made it to two so far while i'm here .. one was especially friendly .. the other needs a little work with newcomers (those who came after me and were new) but it was what it was .. and both truly helped me .. I made a decision when i woke not to go on a family outting today .. i needed to stay home for me .. i have no idea what this outcome will be because it was a chance for my daughter to see some things she may not get another opportunity to see, but the truth is .. the outcome isn't mine .. the Alcoholic said the most vulgar, cruel things to me this morning before he left that i just couldn't go with ... i have to keep telling myself good changes don't come without a little chaos and discomfort, but as for this relationship .. i see myself making an amends by heading towards the exit sign in some way, shape, or form .. i've thought about it forever but never could truly leave .. basically he's always been my alcohol .. i'm worried about when everyone gets home .. but to make a detachment with love, i tried to clean the house while they were gone .. they may not notice but at least i know i did a lot .. my motive wasn't to people please .. it was to restore myself to serenity etc.. and to do something nice for someone else .. i didn't need to be rude .. i just needed to set some healthier boundaries ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 3rd of September 2011 05:54:27 PM
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 3rd of September 2011 05:54:59 PM
you did a good thing for yourself by staying home for the day. and that's who you needed to take care of...you. i know i'm new to MIP, but i feel like i've already found a home here. this helps me so much. just having others there who understand. i can feel your struggle. but i know you'll persevere.
