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As time goes by, I'm seeing more and more examples of how I turn the focus on everyone in my life but myself. I'm encouraged that I'm at least aware of it, but I'm worried about how I'm ultimately going to stop doing it.
My wife & I have 2 kids, ages 4 & 2. They are great kids, but as with most kids this age, they have behavioral quirks and issues that we're not crazy about. My 4-year old daughter, for example, is highly emotional and will cry if anything doesn't go her way. And when she cries, she cries & cries.
I've always blamed my wife for this--my logic was that my wife's anger and lack of patience and then subsequent drinking has somehow created this side of my daughter's personality. In reality, our daughter has always been a crier, since the moment she entered the world. At 3 months of age, she was crying for hours and hours each day. I don't know why that is. Did my wife's depression and emotional issues contributed to it? Probably to some degree, but not nearly as much as I blame her for. And what about my behavior? What did I do to create this side of my daughter? When I blame my wife, I blame her completely, 100%, and I accept no responsiblity for what I may have done. That's wrong.
Today was a good example. We went to McDonald's for lunch, and after we finished eating we went to the play area with the big slide. There were no other kids in there, and our kids were having a blast. Within 15 minutes or so, some other kids came and started to play as well. A few minutes later, our daughter was in tears, running for us and sobbing. I'm not sure what set her off but she said one of the other kids scared her. No surprise really, that is how she is. I looked at my wife and with an angry/accusatory tone, I said "she's never going to make it through elementary school". What I was really saying, and what my wife no doubt heard, was "this is all your fault".
There's something that pushes me in those situations, something that makes me completely and totally turn the focus off of me and turn it on to someone else, in this case, my wife. I feel horrible when I see my daughter behave like that, and for a split second I probably feel responsible for it--but it's such an uncomfortable feeling that I immediately deflect it and turn it towards my wife.
I feel blessed to have this awareness, and it feels like a powerful change is possible and right at my fingertips. But it will take discipline and maturity and a willingness to point my finger at myself instead of my wife or anyone else.
For me after awareness finally came action, realizing I had a part in it also. It was easy to blame all my problems in my live on my alcoholic. But anytime I point one finger at my alcohoilc I notice the other 3 fingers are pointing directly at myself. Yep, I have a part in it !!
Your post put a big smile on my face. You've struck gold! Your awareness and acceptance is priceless. Terrific work!
Your entire family will benefit from your continued emotional growth. Your children are still very young. You have years to influence through your actions. And as you know, they are quite observant, always looking to others to learn how to navigate their lives.
KUDDOS to you!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
You're gonna stop doing it with the help of Higher power, that's how. If we could do this ourselves, why would we need any of this??
Your awareness and rigorous honesty is wonderful, I applaud you, but the goal is not to bludgeon ourselves with it, hehe. This reminds me of an earlier post I responded to today about being our own worst enemy and critic, maybe you can relate..... "I am a victim of domestic violence... and I live alone!!!"
But, that's what I do, I expect perfection from myself. I expect that once I have the awareness, I should automatically stop doing what I've been doing for 40-some years. Not gonna happen, I'm going to need a power greater than myself.
Anyway...
all that said....
I just want to add that I don't really see anything WRONG with your daughter, nor do I see anything as anyone's FAULT. It just is. She grew up in an alcoholic/codependent home like so many of us did... she is in good company, she learned fear well. The beauty of this situation is, she gets to see her two parents in recovery, she gets to see the solution to fear..... Love (another definition for HP.) You can't do any better than that, my friend.
It doesn't matter how God got our attention... in our case, it was through the whole alcoholic experience. All that matters, is where we are today, our willingness to grow along spiritual lines.
Early in my recovery, an old-timer passed a note to me during a meeting. I keep it as a bookmark in my Big Book....
"Have confidence in yourself, Faith in your Higher power, Do what is necessary, Do your best, and Let Go!"
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 1st of September 2011 07:45:55 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
This is my esh. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Once I had insight, then came allowance. Once I allowed myself to feel uncomfortable, I survived it!
Then came mastery over that discomfort. The first time I allowed it to just be and didn't DO anything was the hardest. I was having a full blown panic attack in my therapist's office, but guess what? It floated away!
It didn't kill me. It just made me think it would!
I was a pro at turning pain into suffering. Starting fights. Blaming. Yelling. Name calling. Starting and stopping relationships, marriages, affairs. Anything to avoid that anxiety. That was my defense mechanism... the way I deflected emotional pain. But of course that lead to suffering, and more suffering, until the suffering lead me to therapy, which lead me to this miracle called Al Anon.
Now I understand that "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional".
Nothing I've ever done in my life has helped me heal the way this program has. I regret that I raised my daughter while I was still suffering. She was a sponge who soaked it all up. All - that - suffering.
I wish you a speedy journey of healing, for yourself, for your wife, and most of all, for your precious children.
Usedtobe? Wow what a lovely first post to read this morning,and how quickly you are changing and grasping the concept of alanon, I am so happy and pleased you share your journey, because we all have to get it in our own time, and thats all it takes time and the willingness, I can only liken it, to the greif I felt when I lost a loved one, ,at the time you think you will never survive, but you do of course and although you never forget you learn to live with it, and put things in their true perspective, our children are indeed a product of both of us, I thought I knew what was best both sides, I felt exactly the same way you described, it was easier to blame my husband for our children being naughty, than even consider I might play a part too, what I am doing in my life and family diffrently now is cherishing my very own relationship with my children, and allowing, yes, allowing, my children and husband to have their very unique and special bond, it's lovely too, because instead of mum and dad battling with each other, over everything it makes you stronger as parteners because you support eachother and the kids can see it's not about who's right or wrong or better, it's just about being honest and just dealing with our part is all.
I think you are blessed my friend, your children are still so young and you have the tools and support here to see with new eyes, your getting it quicker than me, this weeks slogan that has helped me tons is? if you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you pee all over today, sending you and yours tons of (((((((((hug's)))))))) and lot's of these and some!
I have another quote that comes to mind. It was from good old Ben Franklin. It is:
"Clean your finger before you point at my spots"
I agree with you that Awareness is key. It is part of a three part trilogy in the program: Awareness, Acceptance and Action. You are holding a spiritual gift from your HP in your hands. The good news is you have free will to decide whether or not to proceed with the next two choices.
Sorry to hijack your post Usedtobe, but this quote from Tommyecat, really made me smile, another jem, these are the things that get me through and make me laugh as I try them out!
There is a flip side to everything... I used to be one of those super duper "criers." By elementary school, I was spending lots of time in the counselor's office. As a young adult I did develop Major Depression and take meds for it.
Now, on the other side, I am now a counselor who is highly empathic, successful at what I do, and my being highly emotional is part of me that is a character asset as much as it is a defect. Just like you can't control your wife's alcoholism...you can't fully control how your kids turn out. You can only love them and give them the best parenting you know how. It does sound like you are doing that.
and some!