The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had an interesting conversation with my grown daughter yesterday. Background, I have been having bouts of high Blood Pressure over the past few months. I know they are related to my stress with my spouse. I feel it go up if we fight and when I lose sleep due to issues we are having. I finally went to the doctor yesterday after I thought I was going to pass out at my al-anon meeting at lunch. I told the Dr. I thought it was anxiety related and her dilemma was whether to treat the anxiety or the BP. I was on anti-depressants for many years but got off of them 2 years ago. Then I started to see all the things I didn't appreciate about my AH, how he treated me and handled the family things. I started standing up for myself and changing me and then the real problems began with his pushback. I dont' want to get back on Antidepressants because I don't want to get complacent about standing my ground. Anyway, I digress. Doctor gave me very low dose of BP med, and said when things change maybe I can get off it. But when I told my daughter, she said 'maybe you should work on what is causing the anxiety'. She hasn't lived at home for the past 5 years and hasn't seen all the crap since I got off Anti-dep. , but we had a good conversation about how I have 'allowed' her dad to treat me that way (her words) and maybe I should stop making threats to leave and do it. I told her I am working on me, through al-anon, self help, changing my lifestyle by finding friends and interests. And that if I change for the better, it will only be for the best regardless of what happens. I also expressed my frustration with not having a partner who will work with me. This is my child who is most like her dad and I always feel like they gang up against me when they are together. At the end, I got the feeling that her biggest fear is that I would become some hermit if we divorced and not ever have any interests and friends. She was more concerned about me being okay emotionally than financially. And she says my AH is a Type A personality and that's why we don't get along. She said that whenever we get into it, I get emotional and he is so detached that he wins every arguement. I'm not sure about all the Type A Stuff, but I see her point. So, I don't really have a question, just wanted to share. After all these years of thinking she only saw her dad's side of things, I see that she sees me too and can empathize with me. It was encouraging. And it felt good to tell her what I am doing to try to make things better and hopefully save the marriage. I hope this lesson will help her in her future in chosing a husband.
I think it's always interesting to hear what the people who are most close to us, how they think about a situation and what our perceptions of how they think are always seems to be two sides of the same coin. :)
I'm so glad you are having such a great visit with your daughter!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't want to get back on Antidepressants because I don't want to get complacent about standing my ground.
My own experience is that depression can be a chemical lack in the brain, if this is the case then staying on the anti-depressents can be a very important aid to assist in coping with the pain with how the spouse is treating one, the dosage can be experimented under the Doctor supervision until it suits one, this can take some months.
Anyway, I digress. Doctor gave me very low dose of BP med, and said when things change maybe I can get off it.
I did this and 8 mths later after my BP was back to normal, I went off the tablets then I had a mini stroke. Another Dr said I should never have gone off the tablets.
Re your daughter.
I have learned to not discuss my relationship with my husband with my adult children.
I did try when they were in their late 20s but discovered they didn't want to know. Also they obviously did not like me sticking up for my point of view when my husband and I were visiting them, they saw it as me deliberately starting an argument.
I soon learned that to say more than 'I don't agree with that' to my husband in front of them caused them to be uncomfortable and generally cross. Of course they only generally see their Dad as being pleasant, they usually do not see his hostility.
To my daughter I sometimes say off hand, "Dad is driving me mad", then I change the subject to something else I have been doing, for myself.
I talk about their lives and interests to them and in the past I mostly kept my frustrations to Al-Anon friends who have some understanding of what I am talking about.
Keeping it like this means we both have a reasonable relationship with our adult children.
I am glad you feel that you had a good conversation with your daughter.
