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Post Info TOPIC: New Here - Need advice~


Newbie

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New Here - Need advice~


I don't even know where to start...   I am so worried about my father.   I am 33 years old and do not live with him....  In the last year or so he has become an alcoholic.     It is so hard to believe it since before last year he hardly ever had a drink.   His drink of choice is crown and 7.    He has become emotionaly abusive to my mother and he is alienating everyone around him.   I know he is lonely since he just recently was forced to retire because of medical issues.    He is depressed... and angry.  I have been making phone calls all morning because I am at the end of my rope.  I can't stand seeing him treat my mom like that.    I have called treatment centers in my area, i tried to contact al anon but can't get a good number..    All everyone says is "is he ready to get help?"  and my response is I sure hope so.   But I really don't know if he is.   I think my 2 sisters and my mother and I need to sit down and speak with him soon about how it is affecting our family and let him know he needs help... but it is such a sensitive thing.  If we confront him and he feels bad he will hide it even more than he already does.   He hides the liquor bottle somewhere in the garage where my Mom can't find it.   And what if after confronting him he is so depressed that he hurts himself.     I need advive... do we do an intervention??  I am so worried about him... and my mother...    My mom is now having panic attacks because of all the stress.   Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated!  We just don't know where to start!!        I guess I should note that 1.5 years ago my dad had Gastric Bypass surgery, and was hooked on pain pills after the surgery....  he is currently off of the vicoden...but is now on methadone...     He was a smoker most of his life, but because of heart problems he no longer smokes... so it is obvious to me that he has had addiction issues all his life.    I have to say that I preffered when he was an overweight smoker!   at least he was living his life.     I appologize now for venting.. and being all over the place...  I am just feeling very lost!!!   Please Help!!



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Veteran Member

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First, BREATHE. Again, in and out. You do not have to solve this today. In fact, YOU don't ever have to fix this.

I remember the frustration....thinking that I could just say something and make it all better. When I went to AlAnon for the first time, I learned the "3 C's", "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." That is kind of hard medicine to take..... Up until then, I really hoped that I could say or do the right thing and the light bulb would suddenly go off and he'd say, "Oh you are right I do drink too much." Ha.

I tried throwing out liquor, counting how much he drank, marking bottles, watching the clock. I even kept a calendar and marked down how often he drank. This didn't help him at all, but it made me REALLY REALLY crazy. I whined/nagged/lectured/scolded. That didn't work, either.

The reality is that the alcoholic won't get help until HE sees that he needs it. That 'rock bottom' is going to be different for every individual. For some it is a car accident, for some it is a realationship ending, for some it takes losing everything they have......everyone has a different 'rock bottom'.

People on AlAnon will tell you that you and your mom should go to an Al Anon meeting. You need to get your own minds healthy - THAT will be the biggest help to your father. Learn about the disease. I personally started to visualize my AH as having a monkey on his back, literally controlling him and forcing him to drink. It won't be until my AH is truly ready to have that monkey off his back that he will be willing to do what it takes.

In Al Anon we learn that we can't change other people. We can only change ourselves, and how we live with alcoholics. I let the alcoholism make me crazy. Now I am regaining my sanity with the help of Al Anon, and taking it one day at a time.

Please, try to get to an Al Anon meeting, and go with an open mind. As they say, "take what you like and leave the rest."

Remember that as a family member to an alcoholic, you too have choices. Your Mom has choices. We don't have to live by the rules of the alcoholic. We need to do what is best and healthiest for ourselves.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello and welcome , there is nothing anyone can do until your Dad says he is ready for help , interventions rarley work they just become more defensive .. Encourage your mom to find Al-Anon for herself it will help her understand  what is going on . *this is such a sensitive subject * which is why we usually ignore it hoping it will go away and when we do that we are also helping the disease to continue ,we have a saying here say what you mean , mean what you say but dont be mean when you say it . You have a right to express your fears to your dad but then let it go ultimatley the desission to get help is his alone ..  try this phone number for info on meetings   1-888-4alanon they will have a contact number for you or alocation of a active meeting , if that dosent work try calling AA info line they often have contact numbers for Al-Anon.  good luck Louise

 



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I came- I came to-I came to be



~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs and welcome, you have received some great esh, I hope you will consider going to an alanon meeting yourself the meetings never hurt and they have been so very helpful for my own healing.

3 C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you will not cure it. None of us can.

Hugs,

P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo



Newbie

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Thanks everyone for your support! I am going to try to convince my mom and sister (both live with him) to go to an alanon meeting. I am going to say something to my dad this weekend... because I have not said anything thus far... it has only been my mom talking to him. I want him to know that it is affecting us too.. not just my mom.
I will try to find an alanon meeting and go. Thanks


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Member

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Also, don't ever apologize for venting! That's what we're here for! :)

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Veteran Member

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Posts: 57
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Welcome K. Al Anon can be your own life line. I was suffering. Now I'm healing.
Change begins with you. You're in the right place for the help you need. Keep
posting and reading. This site on-line Al Anon meetings. For me nothing keeps
me grounded and sane as much as my weekly face to face meetings. I come here
every day too. You are not alone.


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Veteran Member

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This site hosts Al Anon meetings on line. That's what I meant to say above.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I think the most powerful thing you can do is to go to six or more face to face alanon meeting and then share your experience with your mother and sister.  Online meetings here just arent the same as face to face.  I think it is much more powerful should they hear from you that you are going and then perhaps they may want to join you.  Give it a try. 

I too grew up in an alcoholic family home and know how difficult it is as a child of an alcoholic.  The answers you are looking for can be found in the face to face rooms of Alanon.  I do so hope you will give it a try.  It was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

In support,

Tommye



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi keiker and welcome to MIP. Don't apologize for sharing your current situation that is what we are here for. We are here to support each other towards health. As you know when dealing with alcoholism it is stressful and insane at times and we are a group of Al-anoner's that meet on this forum to give experience, strength and hope to each other. I hope you can make it to some meetings and take care of yourself in the midst of all this going on within your family. I am sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



Member

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Posts: 8
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Hi there,

I understand the stress and pain of dealing with such a family situation. Going to an al anon meeting was such an eye-opener for me and helped me hugely. I don't know about where you live, but where i live, I could almost get to a meeting every day, and have done at times. There are also so many other sources of support - getting the phone numbers of other members, sponsorship, counselling, and just learning how to take care of yourself. You are worth it.

 



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Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:

Thanks again everyone! I plan on looking into going to a meeting very soon! I just need to figure out some daycare.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3870
Date:

Hugs Keiker,

If you call the alanon hotline in your area they may be able to tell you if there is a sitter available during the meeting. The kids are never far from the meeting as far as rooms go. My daughter has provided sitting and done a great job. Her brother actually likes to now go to the meetings because his sissy is the sitter .. lol. Just call and ask, at least you would know what your options are.

Welcome and please keep coming back you are worth it!!

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo

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