The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been an al anon member for about 3 years, and am currently working the steps with my sponsor. For the next month I'm travelling for work, and my sponsor is sick with her own issues anyway, so I am very glad I found this message board!
I just want to share something that happened to me last week. I grew up with an enmeshed family, in which there were no boundaries. My granma, who lived with us, was the main drinker, although my dad's drinking has also caused me pain. In any case, my mum was an enabler and often martyr - bringing up 3 young kids more or less on her own, (as dad was pretty much the typical breadwinner of the day, and emotionally absent much of the time anyway) in a foreign country, where she knew no one at first, while simultaneously working at any number of projects and jobs (she sewed all our clothes, baked her own bread...etc), and to this day she still treats my younger brother, at 35, as though he is a child.
In this past week, I have spent time with an old friend of 20 years, who is my brother's ex-wife. Since I joined al anon, I thought it was safe to be close to her, as my boundaries about talking to my brother about his ex and vice versa are clear, and I don't gossip anyway. In the last 5 years, my bro and ex have both moved on and are happy with new partners. So I thought it was safe to resume my friendship with her, as she has been dear to me over the years.
This trip, a chance question I made led her to disclose a secret that rocked me to the core... that she once, many years ago, before she married bro number 1 but while in a relationship with him, she had a fling with my other bro. Bro 2 told bro 1 just a year or so ago. What was even worse was that she was completely in denial about the seriousness of it. As though it was no big deal.
I can't believe how sad I am about discovering a whole new level of family dysfunction and dirty secrets, just when I thought I had come to terms with the worst (when I first started al anon, I was in denial about some of my childhood). I am just shocked and sad, and it explains a lot the tension between them, when they were always so close throughout our childhood. Actually all 3 of us were close and enmeshed, and both my younger bro and me looked up to our older sibling to take care of us, given the family situation.
Wow I feel sad and angry right now and I am havign trouble trusting the higher power about it. Trying steps 1-3 with all my might and it has helped somewhat.
I know what it's like to have a busy sponsor so I keep other fellowship numbers stored in my phone, it helps when I'm "getting on the highway.... and picking up speed," lol
From where I sit, this has nothing to do with you, sweetie, it's none of your business. I've been enmeshed too, and I cannot begin to describe the YEARS of drama that caused me to suffer. I placed myself in a position to be hurt.
I have choices in recovery. I can turn things over to HP, which is an enormous relief. I don't have to judge because I can't fix anything anyway, and it just shuts me off from my Higher power. That is my dis-ease... my separation from my higher power.
Perhaps the stories that you are telling yourself is what is causing you to hurt so much... the story that none of this should've happened. But how could we know that to be true? I know in my own crazy family, when I tell myself they shouldn't act so crazy... but they do, that is the reality... but if I keep telling myself that they shouldn't..... I go down hard because I am resisting reality. Crazy families should indeed act crazy. Right?
They have their own higher power. And you have yours. Go there instead. Quiet yourself and get still again. Turn it all over. Don't let this cut you off from the sunshine that was meant for you today. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 1st of September 2011 07:55:52 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Well - 1st it happened along time ago and before she was married to your brother. yeah it is the pits when we find out our loved ones are not perfect only human . This has nothing to do with you its between the two brothers - they will work it out . It is unfortunate that she chose to share this with you but as you said it does explain the anomosity between the brothers . Live and let Live
Staying to my own side of the street with the family drama helps me keep very sane and my life very simple. It did happen along time ago, it didn't happen to you. It's your brother/s and ex sister inlaw's issue to deal with. If they want to and how they choose to do so is truly none of your business.
Please stick around, this board is an amazing place of different people with different experience, strength and hope. The best thing is we can take what we like and leave the rest. :)
Hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes, its nothing to do with me, except that I now have lost her as a friend.
She has been there at many of the significant moments of my life. I didn't expect her to be perfect, ... but at least I believed she was a sane one...
and now I see that was not true. Not so much because she did it, but because she believes it was no big deal and seems to have no compassion or self responsibility . Yes it was a long time ago ,but she kept it a secret for 16 years, through their entire terrible marriage, that was painful for anyone who cared about either of them to watch.
I know its their issue. Right now I just want nothing more to do with these crazy people....
for what my point of view is worth... if a person I considered a good friend, and a someone I had been through alot with, disclosed that to me... a secret she had kept for 16 years which she told NO one about... I would say that my friendship was at a different level now. She felt safe to tell you after all that time. Maybe she minimised it when she saw that letting the secret out upset you? Just a thought... I don't know as I wasn't there but just it may be a possibility.
As the others have said, it happened a very long time ago, within a dysfunctional family, it is an issue that really doesn't belong to you but yeah at least it now explains alot of the anamosity between the brothes and you don't have to worry/think about where that is coming from now.
Please take what you like and leave the rest. I'm just looking from a different piont of view, doesn't mean it is the right point of view.
I feel sad that your relationship is destroyed because of her loose lips.... you had no reason to know any of this information. Surely, she must regret this.
I have page 289 highlighted in my Courage to Change book, do you have it?
"The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe another's slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone "not guilty," I think of forgiveness as a scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind ME to a problem or a past hurt. By releasing resentment.... I set myself free.
...Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive.
When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go.
Today's reminder: Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead."
"A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works." ...In All Our Affairs"
In support, my friend (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have been thinking a little more about this situation and realise I am also bothered by it for another reason. I too have been through the (excruciating) pain of infidelity in my relationship. In my experience most people take a year or more to recover from the pain, and I myself joined a support group for a couple of years to get over it. There were people in that group suffering so much about a situation jsut like this, ie a long concealed affair. Its very triggering for me that she is in such denial. Just like my alcoholic relatives are about anything that have doen to hurt another.
I also regret that I told my friend some intimate details about myself, that I had only previously shared with al anon friends... about my childhood. then, in her self-justification, she used it as an excuse for her behaviour ("the men in your family..." ). oh god.
I have lost so much trust. I know I will forgive eventually. But I feel so sad that what I thought was an intimate friendship can't be the same now. I think its my own denial - I somehow just miss the shadow sides of people very often, and I put them on pedestals.
The slogan "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional" comes to my mind. We have all been hurt and wronged at different times of our lives. What keeps me moving through life without feeling like I am a victim and have to suffer any longer was in reading "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I am also reading "Perfect Daughters, Adult Daughters of Alcoholics" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. In reading these books I have learned to feel the hurt and move through it. I have learned to truly forgive and let go of so many things that used to chain me down into the misery of my making. I have released myself from other people's inappropriate behavior and set boundaries to protect myself and it was hard at first, but now it comes naturally. I have only been able to keep a few old friends since starting Al-anon in January, but I think when I get healthier I will be able to be around them alittle without having to be overly vulnerable to them or judgemental of them. I see it as learning to dettach and have healthy boundaries and I am still learning this lesson little by little, at first I totally isolated, but maybe I had to, to get to the point where I was strong and no longer oozing. It sounds liek you have great awareness. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks so much for that lovely post. That book about daughters of alcoholics sounds great.
I am already feeling in a much better place today, and so much more removed from this situation and also from my own pain which was triggered. I had a good cry about it 2 days ago and today I woke up feeling much freerer.
In my FOO, I am the only one in any kind of recovery. Everyone else seems to believe to this day that we are a very close family with no dysfunction of any kind. That was very isolating when I was a child, and I learnt not to trust my judgement, as it was so at odds with what seemed to be the universally accepted 'reality'.
Since I started al anon I have learnt to trust my judgement. I have stepped back quite a lot from them. I will (and have already) keep building a good relationship with my parents, but right now, I need my own space for a while, to take care of myself.
