not in a good place today - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

not in a good place today

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda,

Hugs, it kind of sounds like you are healing to me. First off if you were playing the martyr card it would be about what he DID to you, not about what you wanted to do and then made a conscious choice NOT to do. Of course it feels strange you aren't used to the behavior, it's going to get better and the new behavior won't feel so strange and it sounds to me like it's already kind of turned that corner.

Something that has helped me in dealing with the childhood stuff is, I don't want to sound like this is dismissing it, .. it's not, however I have a weird take .. lol .. what else is new, my point being, yes, I was helpless as to what happened to me as a child. It sucked eggs in a big way. Some of it was minor, some of it was major and all of it affected how I behaved as a young adult. All of it was not horrible, much of it was not pleasant. That is my reality and my perception of my childhood. It belongs to no one else except me and it's not wrong, it's my reality. Key thing I said there was young adult, I am now a grown up. Yes I have hurts that flare, being angry about them isn't going to change the fact they happened. My relationship with my mom as it stands right this min, is not healthy. It' not horrible it's just not normal and I'm working on that part. Forget the one with my dad, there is none and I doubt there ever will be he's on the whole ohhh hell no on my step 8 list (yes, I'm making a list on that even though I'm not at that step it helps me see where I'm going when I get there .. lol). I can't change the past any more than my parents can, I have a bonus being adopted I know whatever crazy they have going on .. I have my own crazy from my biological family. I just have never had much opportunity to explore it .. LOL. I'm ok with that too.

My parents can't hurt me anymore, or maybe it's better to say past events can't hurt me anymore, unless I allow the past to do so. I can feel them, they no longer define who I am. I can tell you that surrendering to that fact has been uplifting in ways that boggle my own mind. I am sooo much more calmer although I swear today my eyes were wide and my smile was big .. lol .. I'm sure I looked like a freaked out version of the Joker without the makeup!!

You are working your program and you are getting better. Be easy on yourself and know it's all about baby steps, progress not perfection, this is not a sprint to the finish line it's a long marathon with no finish line in sight. It all takes a lot of time. I truly hope some day there is a face to face meeting in your area because that is really where I have learned sooo much about myself through other people. It's an amazing gift.

Hugs again, P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks pushka

I do like what you say about the childhood stuff. I have those thoughts too. Intellectually. Unfortunately I think becasue I am only starting out here, alot of my automatic responses are because of what I ahve been thinkging and feeling (or not feeling more to the point) for so long that I am trying to separate the chaff from the hay. I don't know what to change because I am unsure what is a healthy response and what is just comfortable because that is what I ahve always done... do you get what I mean??

the martyrdom is more becasue later in the night I brought up a discussion, as we were falling asleep which is typical of me, about how all our energy and money etc etc go on his hobbies and work.

His fishing and hunting and camping, I don't like it, we have a boat and a 4 WDand he goes out on his day off. He wants to own a business, I don't, so he is looking into buying his current place of work, I told him it won't be a family business becasue I just want to have a job.. again though, it is a life changer. His other job is a professional job in the public eye (won't go into it on here) but that is a 'lifestyle' job that effects both our lives also. His smoking, he wants to do it and I am learning to 'let it go', but again something I don't like.

I will make it clear again, I do not, at this point in time, wish to leave my husband so yes, I have to learn to deal with it all.

I know I know I can hear you all saying it in unison... get something you like to do and persue it Linda.

The fact is... I never have. There isn't anything I am passionate about that I want to do. I am studying my Graduate Certificate and I have to get my finger out about that.

So the martyrdom was.. our life is all about what YOU want to do. I feel like I am living your life. Of course I say this to him as he is half asleep I don't even know if he heard me. Why woudl I say such a thing to him??? It is only being hurtful to him, he is not doing this on purpose, it is my perception and I have as many choices to do whatever I want in my life, he would never ever dream of holding me back.

I felt very much like a child in the playground "Feel sorry for me please.... make me feel special please.... play with me because I am your bestest friend... give away all your other friends and be MY friend..."

Of course I only thought of that this morning.... last night I had NO idea what was going on in me. I had 'feelings' I couldn't explain them. I had no idea what they were or what they meant. I just wasjn't happy. I can only think 'something' was stirred up over on the ACOA board

Any interpretations on what these feelings may be could help??? I know that woudl sound like an odd request to any other set of people except on this board where I am hoping there is at least someone or two who can relate to what I am saying.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda I think when we get married, we naturally have a dream. We feel so happy, content, in love. We just cannot imagine that our feelings will ever change.

Sadlyl I have seen when we get involved with an addict, it is only a matter of time.

As we know their disease gets worse and worse. Every A is different on how quick or slow it progresses.

Our body, our mind, our heart all know when they start to naturally pull away.My AH and I were two peas in a pod. So so close. We knew each other and had been involved since we were kids. He came back and wooed me like crazy after being sober, on program for years.

I was ignorant to it all. All I know was the man I wanted most my life was wanting me.

Took me a long time to realize and want him back. He had hurt me badly a few times.

It's hard to describe how close we were. It sounds like you guys were too. You two melt together. Really are one.

When he went to brain surgery, he went in my husband 100%. He came out someone I didn't know. Took me a long time to realized what was happening. I was in denial. It was horrible. I didn't understand what was happening.

It's not only losing them, it's losing the dream, the hopes. I think most of us want one person to be with till we die. someone who is our friend,lover, spouse,confidant. We can tell when it starts disinigrating. We fight it, question it, do our best to hang onto it.

When they use, it deadens them to love, to us. They in no way are the person we loved. We see them, they look the same, but inside they are turning into someone else.

I call mine a monster. He treated me like glass Linda. He wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. We were best friends to each other.

Next thing I know he has flipped me over his shoulders and my shoulders are torn for the rest of my life. had one surgery, but cannot do anything like I used to.

He is so braindamaged from the surgery and using everything in site, that he feels nothing. Even when he is stark raving sober in prison, he felt nothing. he was no one I would want to know anymore.But he looked like the kid to man I knew all my life.

Of course you are confused and sad. It's horrible to see it happen before our eyes and we do not want to believe it, or face it.

No we don't have to leave until if and when we are ready. It took me years to be ready and sure. I divorced him. but I took all the time I could to be with him, learn to be ok with him drinking and be ok.

But the abuse was the final thing, and knowing he would never be back. The only thing left of him is in my heart. The disease killed my husband.

I see you suffering. Sadly it's part of it all. The thing I learned was even if he got clean and back on program, the chance of relapse is huge. I could not go there again,no way. Its a living nightmare to look at the person who was your other half not be who they were.

Keep coming and letting it out. The only answer is to share how you feel. do your best to do what you need to do. Graduate school is not easy. If you can, enjoy it, it will be all finished sooner than you think.

When people are so caught up in their A's disease, it makes them sick. things aren't the same anymore. Things you loved just don't seem to matter. I didn't plant a garden or get the cobwebs down. My heart was breaking.

Some people do just leave. Then they go into horrible grieving.Which I did about 3 times when he would leave and go to mommys to drink. then come back. I wanted to glean all I could. Honestly the last time, I was ready so it was not so horrible.

For now if you can, what I did was enjoy every moment I could. Let go of all the is he, will he? His disease is his own. His choices are his own. All I shared was the love I had for him.

hugs,debilyn

hawaiilover · Senior Member

Linda, living with an addict isn't easy. Loving one is even worse imo. One has no solid foundation when married to an addict. It is a true rollercoaster life. Yes, what you feel is valid. I rather know what is going on so I don't get my hopes high. Yet, I would be hesitant to continue to look for things because it will only upset the situation. Speaking from my experience, I won't check up on my Ah anymore. I know he drinks and wont stop until he is ready to stop. Nothing I do or say will change that. I have a choice to stay in the relationship or leave. He will not give up his liquor. Since I still love him, I decided to stay. However, I know what I am up against: a cunning, baffling, deadly disease. I come to Alanon so I can learn to take care of myself while living with the disease. Not easy. Not impossible. One day at a time. Happiness comes from me now. Have no true expectation from anyone else.

hugs.

Hawaii

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda, you mentioned in one of your posts here that you don't want to find a hobby but I urge you to find SOMETHING you can do for you. Even if it's picking weeds out of the grass in your yard, it's mindless work that can distract you or give you 'something to do'. I find the greatest release in doing housework. I know, I'm a glutton for punishment but when I see a clean room, I feel that I accomplished something and it gives me something to put my negative energy towards. I do have hobbies, too. I used to teach yoga but I take classes now and I just joined a tennis team which I'm really just enjoying being with other women even though I don't know them all very well yet. I used to knit, but I haven't done anything in 2 years but I still kept my stuff in case I want to go back to it. I'm not much of a reader but every once in a while I can lose myself in a good book(one that isn't about self-help or Co-Dependency, LOL). Anyway, I'm sorry that you're suffering but just remember that you CAN improve your side of the street!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have many labels... PTSD, major depression, general anxiety disorder, ADHD, codependent... I have been labeled by doctors, therapists, etc. I have been through so many years of therapy, I wasted so much money on it, and I never got better there. I wasted time and money on perscription medications. Zoloft, Klonopin, xanax, trazadone, abilify, what have you...I was on Klonopin (an anti-anxiety med here) and it caused my major depression to worsen into suicidal thoughts. I almost took the whole bottle. I was lucky enough to be sent somewhere where they got me off the meds and into detox. I detoxed for a month from that. Just like an alcoholic does from alcohol, the benzo's do the same.

Where am I going with this? I can tell you that I have been where you are. I have had days that I just feel like I can't explain my feelings to anyone. These are the days when my disease is trying to get me. I start snooping, checking, calling my A, looking for clues (I am a great detective by the way...) or wallowing in self pity. These are my self sabotage days. I stop living in a positive way and get all down and out. The pity pot is where I sit.

I have learned now that I can use the tools I have been freely given at meetings. I can call my sponsor. My sponsor, if she doesn't answer will usually call me back soon. We can talk and she can get me out of my own head with her words of wisdom. I can only suggest meetings, and getting a sponsor to you, because that is what is working for me. When I begin to accept, I begin to have peace. Having acceptance, understanding and surrendering are what help me feel better. I am not saying that its ok for my A to do what he does, I am saying I accept me for me and where I am at right now. When I learn to accept me, my disease diminishes.

You keep working it out, coming on here to talk it out is great :) Little by little, things can get better. Having a sponsor and a meeting is what works for me :) HUGS!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks youfoundme

In a couple of weeks my situation may be changing and I may find it plausible to go to a meeting.
I am also considering who as a therapist I can go and see but its hard in my line of work in a small town

Im glad you understand how it is Iam feeling. You hit the nail on the head. Its my pity pot and I know it, I just don't seem to be able to get off it sometimes. I can kinda feel myself pulling out of it a bit this morning. You know that feeling when you can actually hold your head on your own neck again I have been suicidal and medicated many times myself. Generalised anxiety disorder, depression etc. what can I say, I work in the filed of dual diagnosis... of course I am messed up ahhh hahahahahaha

rara avis · Senior Member

Hey Linda,

Well, not much esh from me as I'm a mess right now! However - hugs, and one mood thing I like to mess with : Music. Sometimes I have some 'go to' music to uplift me. I do this in the car a lot. And sometimes, when I'm feeling, sad, I just say to heck with it and pull out the stops! Put on depressing music and deliberately dive in and mope. For some reason, by completely diving into the mood on purpose, it almost makes the sadness..silly and enjoyable?

And then of course and sometimes I put rock music on and go nuts and clean an entire garage. If you had the right tunes and a teleport machine I'd offer to clean yours ;)

Seriously though, hugs and support

rara avis

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

hahaha.. yeah music is very cathartic.. thanks rara

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