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Well I never did get that opportunity I had been planning to confront my dad with the divorce document since the court registry would not give it to anyone other than the plaintiff/defendant or the executor of my mothers estate. So, I never met with him personally during my 19-day stay in Canada. Went to Al-Anion meetings, which were great, and bought a few books.Spoke with my a few people about some of the feelings I had about my dad. One friend suggested I try to call him, and just ask him on the phone why I was the one out of the 5 kids chosen to leave the home, or cited on the divorce documents as the reason for them marital problems
So I did speak yesterday morning. Called him from here in Japan. I asked if he could indulge me for 5 minutes. I mentioned that I would have like to have seen him last week, but since he lives in a retirement community about 45 minutes from where I was staying, and he no longer drives and I do not have a Canadian license, could not meet him due to transportation issue. I then brought up some issues from the past, which I know if never a good idea, but taking my friends advice, thought I could conduct myself in a civil manner and engage him in a healthy conversation. I mentioned the fact that the reason I suggested he come to Japan (I offered to fly him over here last winter) was to meet his grandchildren, which he quickly interjected. I did meetHana in 2008." (my daughter). I mentioned that I can understand the fact he never had an interest in the country (i.e. to visit the temples of Kyoto), but the purpose of my offer was to meet his grandchildren. I then told him that I was staying at a friends home near the group home my sister is at. She suffers from schizophrenia. In 2008, when my wife and daughter were visiting Canada, I suggested we might visit her. He told me that would not be advisable since "her memory tapes are erased and she would not remember you." So I called someone from the Canadian Schizophrenia Society who told me people with schizophrenia rarely suffer from such memory loss problems. I brought this up on the phone and said I respected his decision not to meet my sister. I then began to try to tell him how confused and lost (emotionally/mentally/psychologically) that year in high school when it was decided I move out of the homebut he just hung up on me. One thing I did congratulate myself on is not furiously trying to call him back, something I did way too often when this happened to me, but accept his decision to end our conversation.
One important message I heard over and over in the Al-Anon meetings I attended was the concept of detachment. Something which I am slowly coming to exercise. I mentioned to a senior Al-Anon member a meeting I went to that my dad had quit drinking way back in 1986, so if he had 25 years of sobriety, then how come he still acts this way? She told me that alcoholism is a disease and not related to one not drinking; that is; your thinking is still messed up.
Yesterday after the phone call I did try the inner-child letter writing exercise (left for the letter to my father and right for the one as an adult to my father).
The only way I can describe detaching is knowing what the other person did or does is not about me. They don't do it "to" me. When I could stop taking their issues personally ( I do get the well it IS about me because I feel this way, or it's my marriage, it's my parent aspect of things, those are feelings and they don't define me), I could look at them through different eyes and see as an example my A's illness. I do look at alcoholism as a mental illness, that's how I have come to terms with alcoholism being a disease. It's never my A speaking to me when he acts in ways that I know are not him, it's the alcoholism. Someone shared a post about Detachment today I believe and it has some good stuff in there.
What you did with the phone call, you detached from the situation and accepted that was all he could give you, made the decision not to pursue it by calling back.
I'm very glad to hear that are trying to do the letter writing exercise and I would encourage you to share that with your sponsor if you have one. Then for letting go, burn it in a God box or something alone that lines. You are not alone.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have struggled with accepting alcoholism when my partner got sober I thought things would improve and they did but he was still ill and my expectations were to high. He was still a very ill person. I was dissapointed I wanted him to be a partner and took it personally when he could not be the man I wanted him to. When I confront him on how I feel or what I have been through he can not cope he feels guilt this is why he hangs up, it is not he doesnt care he hates himself for not being the man I want and need. My ex husband who my children are too is a compulsive gambler and his illness has really progressed. I put the alcoholic head on him whe he lets the kids down I tell them he loves them and that he would love to be the dad he used to but he is ill. My son get angrey but my daughter is really hurt its hard to see their grief. I try and help them by changing my attitudes in al anon and by explaining he is ill and it doesnt mean he does not love them.
