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Morning all, Good news - I got the job!! I start training today. Big promotion, more money, more responsibility. Good also because I won't have time during the day to obsess over whether my Afiance drinks or not.
On that note, couldn't get through even ONE DAY of no drama. I came home from work last night with good news to share and he was plowed. Disheartening. Upsetting. I couldn't even share my good news with the one person who should care the most. UGH. Feeling a little defeated about that today.
Question - he said some pretty awful things last night. I know it's the disease/alcohol talking... but do I tell him today what he said? Do I tell him today how mean he was? Do I tell him how I feel that I may not want to marry him because of these things? Any ESH would be appreciated. Thanks! November Sunflower
Hmmm... well here is how it goes for me. When I used to yell and scream at him the next morning, he would feel worse and worse and it would enable his disease and he would go drink again. Then I would feel worse and worse...
It didn't do any good to yell and scream. So the next time I would "talk at him" for an hour and complain about it. That would enable his disease and he would go drink again.
Then I got a sponsor and she suggested that the next morning, I just get up, smile and use good body language, go about my business and let his disease sit and be with him. I felt better doing that and so I kept at it. Some mornings I slip up and go back to being angry. Then I can change my attitude and "fix" myself. I can go about my day angry or I can choose to be happy and peaceful. There is a few passages in One day at a time that help me, if you have that book, check these out: July 5, July 14 and July 25. There are a few in April too. The AA big book helped me see it better as well.
You can tell him in a way that you say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean to him. You can say "you said some things that hurt my feelings last night, if I come home to you drunk again, I am going to go about my business and do things for me and not engage with you" When I did that, my A got it. He does try to get me to engage sometimes still, but I stick to my boundary more and more. I also use my sponsor to help me get through the tough times. Sometimes I forget to call her, or the phone is too heavy and I wallow in the junk. The next day I can start over with a good attitude... meetings, coming here and calling my sponsor, those passages in ODAAT and the book Getting Them Sober all have helped me so much....
-- Edited by youfoundme on Tuesday 30th of August 2011 08:32:09 AM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I can so relate to wanting to share your good news with him , like everything else its not personal he is ill. I would like to say WELL DONE!!!! keeping on with your own life career. When my A is not able to share in my good stuff I meet these needs other ways ring al anon friends or ever day friends, tell my family hope you have other people who will be happy for you and proud of you
For me with my AH loved one it would not help if I would give them a running account as to what they said to me the evening before while they were in their drunken stooper. I agree with you, a simple congrats would have been the loving thing to say.
I would be totally wrong should I try give you advice on whether to stay engaged or not because I truly do not know what it is like to walk a mile in your own shoes. What I can share is my experience that I got into recovery after I was married to an active alcoholic. I am married today, on the cusp of celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. For me to find the love, joy, happiness, peace and understanding in that relationship was to begin to work the steps with a face to face sponsor in the rooms of alanon. I have a warm, loving relationship with my husband today who is not in recovery. I am so grateful for this man because it was because of his drinking I found a seat in Alanon. The answers I needed should I stay or go were always within me. Working the steps was the key to unlock greater depths of understanding and clarity which is what I was seeking.
Congratulations to you again. I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT!
WOW WOW WOW!! Congrats!!!! What a great way to start the day!!
While having flowers and something nice to say or share would have been great, it wasn't meat to be. It does not take away from your wonderful accomplishment!!
The only thing I would ask you is are you willing to accept your AF as he is right now, because right now this is what he can give. Even if you get married, he is who he is right this moment.
My AH is not in recovery, however he is not actively drinking ( I do know, or he'd be on his way to jail, he's being monitored not by me for once). The more I look at this past year the more I am grateful for the fact he had a DUI (it saved our marriage and I found my way to alanon, I know ironic).
Regardless of what the future holds for my AH and I, I know .. I'm going to be ok. Thanks to the wonderful people of alanon and here at MIP. I am no longer isolated, no longer feeling sorry for myself, and I am seeing such great signs of healing that are going around me here on the boards and within myself. I have hope. Hope that in another year, I will have a better understanding of myself and my HP. Just knowing I am no longer stuck on the pity pot is a huge relief.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I want to say thank you to you all for your shares. I have taken a bit from each of you.
Youfoundme - thank you, I will look up those passages tonight. And you are right, no matter what I do or don't say, he will do what he wants anyway, so why get myself worked up over it?
Tracy - yes, I was able to share my news with some good friends and family members last night and those people are the ones who got me through. And knowing that I could come share on this board today made me feel good.
Tommyecat - thank you! Your words are always helpful to me. A simple congrats from my A would have sufficed for me. But you are right about not ever finding your way to Al-Anon if it weren't for your A. I feel the same. I am learning so much about myself and it's exhilirating. Scary. But exhilirating!
Pushka - My Girl! Thank you! Your posts always hit me dead on. I am going to have to get back to you on the willingness to accept him as he is today. I know I love him. I know he is sick. I think I want a life with him. Much to think about.
for what it is worth... for me.. maybe not for you.. but for me... My now husband totally relapsed three days before our wedding. If he had done that before he asked me to marry him, I would not have said yes. Once we had told everyone, it would have been harder to call it off, but I would have thought about it. I know I have the option to leave now if I so chose to, a marriage certificate is not a chain, but it does make it emotionally harder for me. that post was right. You came home to your 'husband' last night. I am coming up to my first wedding anniversary next month. One year of what should have been utter bliss has been arguments, my struggle, his defiance, and I am married to a pot addict. It makes me very sad
Hello Nov Sun - congratulations on the new job. My thoughts are running to the wisdom shared with those in a relationship to not do anything major or drastic for 6 months-1 year, referring to getting divorced or separating or leaving - the same wisdom can hold true to those considering entering a legal contract (marriage). In a lifetime of being married (which is what we all hope for), what does 6 months wait-and-see time mean?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
The wedding is scheduled for November 5. And almost every single attendee is from another state. Most of them have already made plane reservations, have taken time off from work, etc. I know that is no reason to go through with it if I don't want to. I guess I have right up until the "I do" to make a final decision. If I feel like I can't do it, at least all my friends and family will be there to support me and we can have a heck of a catered party! LOL
On a serious note, my A and I did have a good talk last night. I tried to be kind and supportive without judging. I tried to remember things like "he is also a child of God" and "how would I feel if he was nagging me to stop or start doing something?". I truly in my heart know that I cannot change him, I cannot make him do what I want, I cannot impose my expectations on him. And I am trying to learn to co-exist peacefully with that, with him.
One day at a time, I guess. That's always a tough one for me. My gosh, my job title even has "Planner" in it! It's my nature!
Again (or still) a lot to consider. Thanks! Nov Sun
Yes the mysteries from within that I have uncovered, discovered and discarded seemingly can be scary. But it will be the best journey to the heart you will ever take. Finding, peace, serenity, tranquility, love and joy in a relationship for which the other half is active in their disease surpasses all understanding. That is what I have found, one day at a time my friend. There is hope, it is possible. Alanon and the gift of a loving sponsor taught me how.
MIght I suggest that you have a serenity safety plan for your wedding day. I first husband was so drunk on our wedding night he lost his phone, and fell all over the place, he could hardly walk. My current husband was a gem on our wedding night. He was totally straight and we didn't drink much at all.
Have a plan of action is all I am saying, just incase things on the day are a bit hectic with his drinking and if that is likely to be an issue for your wedding day. I told my husband that if I even THOUGHT he was stoned when he said his vows to me, I would have no hesitation in walking away.
Who knows if I would have kept that promise, but he wasn't stoned so thankfully I didn't have to get called on it.
Thanks to you both, I appreciate your responses. I know for a fact that there will be no alcohol served at the wedding, our families do not drink. I also know that my A doesn't do it in front of me or his family. So, those are both good indicators. I have told him before that if he even thinks of ruining my day with that crap (sorry!) I won't walk down the aisle.
