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After another weekend of being ignored by my AH, I am wondering if it's time to give it all up. I would almost rather be yelled at than ignored or disrespected. My AH ignores me, for example, he fails to tell me he isn't coming home for dinner on Saturday. When I call him at his parents, he is all sweet and says I'll be home in a little bit. Well come 9 pm and no sight of him. I called and said "I guess we aren't doing dinner tonight" and he gleefully says "Oh I'll bring you something, what do you want?" I told him forget it, I'm tired I'm going to bed. But he didn't come in until afte midnight and slept on the couch. I KNOW HE IS PASSIVE AGRESSIVE. I know he is wanting to upset me. I prayed and asked my HP to help me not get upset and sleep. But on Sunday I asked if I had somehow missed that we weren't doing dinner on Saturday. He says he just doesn't want to fight, but I still expect respect. I told him to change his "XXXX" attititude or it was over. He does this type of thing to me all the time and then he tells his parents I am hard to live with,... They don't see the side of him I see and so now I don't even want to be around them. I have stopped cooking for him when he goes out, because he won't come in on time or eat it when he gets home. What more can I do, short of leaving him? It hurts so bad to be ignored and disrespected?
It sounds to me like you're trying to control his life by imposing your wants and needs on him. Unless you're truly ready to walk away, maybe it would be a good idea to take a break, take the focus off of him and what he does and how it affects you, and do your own thing. Make plans with your friends that are NOT contingent on whether or not your AH will be available for you. Do what makes you happy - do not wait around for him to have dinner then when he (predictably) doesn't show up get angry at him for not showing up. Make yourself dinner, enjoy it with a good movie or a book or go out to dinner with a friend. You are in control of what you do and how you respond, you don't have to allow someone else's bad behavior to derail your entire life! Life is too short to sit around waiting for someone else to please us - we need to do what we can to make our own lives enjoyable. Believe me, I know that you'd prefer to have your significant other with you, to enjoy the things you are doing with you, to keep you company, to hold up his end of the bargain that you made when you promised to love and care for each other on your wedding day. And it feels really crappy to stand there holding up your end of the bargain while he's disrespecting and disregarding you. But if you don't give him the chance to disrespect or disregard you, you're not disrespected or disregarded! If you are not available to allow him to treat you that way, you don't get treated that way. It's hard, and you have the right to be angry, frustrated and irritated. But is that how you want to feel every day of your life? If the answer is no, go find things to do for yourself to make you smile and happy! It's what I'm doing right now while my husband is detoxing in the hospital after a 5 week binge. I've got plans with one of my girlfriends to go to dinner tonight and I'm keeping them! It feels really good to laugh and smile and it helps put a lot of things in perspective. Once he sees that you've stopped looking to him for all of your emotional needs, he may be able to turn around and look at himself and see how he's not impacting your life. He may want to straighten up. Or he may look at you and think that he wants to be happy and enjoying life like you are! You never know, but it definitely won't make the situation any worse!
Good luck and hang in there - you're not alone!!
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
MLK, you may be right, I am trying to control him. I want him to behave a certain way and I dont understand why he wont do the smallest thing; like let me know he doesnt plan to be home for dinner. I have this innate belief that people who are married should SHARE things! He tries to shut me out of all the family decisions involving money or our investments. He even hides information from me that the kids tell him, when they expect he will pass it on. I know he is doing it on purpose and Im fed up with it. I know he knows better, and so I wonder why he cant just stop. One of my biggest complaints is that there had never been a partnership in our marriage. You are right, I need a life. I am working on it. After years of his discouraging me from having friends, and his belittling every friend I have had or me, it is like starting from scratch. I am getting back into exercising and even thought of going back to school. But I cant help but want the brass ring, a relationship that is fulfilling. I am mainly just venting, but I have to stop or the anger will consume me. And you are right, that is no way to live.
Yeah, you don't need to carry all that anger around. Do what you have to do and make yourself well. I know the starting from scratch - I met my husband playing pool in a league in a bar and ALL of our friends are from being in bars. It's really hard, but I'm finding more and more that people out there are generally friendly and not interesting in hurting others. Get out there and get your groove back!
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
I am trying. Just called AH to tell him I planned to stop by a women's health club after work to get info. I was trying to be considerate. I got all the pushback about how it better not cost anything, it's always something... I immediately start hedging, which I hate about myself. But I'm going to pursue it anyway because I deserve to do something for me. I work and it is my right to take care of myself. Plus I need an outlet from him. This is what I am dealing with and frankly I am fed up with it.
Ha, no, not to make light, but if you look at my post on anger, you'll read about my completely epic garage cleaning extravaganza.
I don't have much esh here, I'm in the exhausted-and-ending-it phase :( Hugs to you on the ignoring schtick, I am there myself. But one thing I do know, if I can't detach from such heavy feelings, I prefer the anger. The workouts and house chores have been amazing lately. When I have the power, I try to harness it!
In the book Getting Them Sober, it says to start taking care of myself. So that is what I am trying to do each day. I get resentful too, when someone doesn't do what I thought they were going to do. Then I am back at Step 1 again. Every day I can start out cranky or I can be grateful for a new day to live and let live. There are some ideas in Getting Them Sober on how to set appropriate boundaries. Like if he says "I will be home at X time for supper, and he isn't home then, eat your supper and get busy, go to a meeting, take a hot bath, watch a movie etc, and feel better about you. Don't even call him. They get worried when we don't call. Thats the checking up part that I work on. If I call him, am I checking up on him or am I really calling to say hi. So don't call. Just do your thing. the book says its very hard to get rid of an alcoholic. He will come home maybe with a different attitude if you didn't call. Maybe a little curious. Then he may try to push your buttons. But don't react. Remain calm. Go to bed in a quiet happy way. Read a book. Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean... The little changes in you can help put the disease back on him.... They are called little interventions. Read the book Getting Them Sober, read One day at a time in Alanon. Read the AA big book (its free on line if you google it) and go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. Then make your decision when you have done that. Take your time, you don't have to be rash about it... HUGS! Take care of you :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
rare avis - a garage cleaing may be in order. If it just isn't so darn hot. And I will look up your post on anger.
youfoundme - I just read getting them sober, guess I need to readi t again. Am also reading Codependent no more. I am not sure I am willing to do the work required in that one as far a communication goes. But I am trying to focus on me. F2F tomorrow so will help and this day looks better than yesterday did. I think you are right about not making rash decisions. I have always been so wishywashy though and couldn't make a decision to save my life. Had I not been that way, we would have divorced years ago. Now we are on kind of a 3 year time line. I will be retiring and we will sell the house and make a move. That is a place to look to where I could go on my own if we haven't made the progress necessary, if I can make it that long. We have all the kids out of the house so we have met that timeline of staying together for the kids. So, I will work on me, see if I can make the changes to make me be content regardless of what he does. But I want so much more than just contentment in our relationship. I want a good one, with a partner whose company I enjoy and vice-versa and who I can grow old with. We'll see.
