ESH on breaking up/moving out? - Al-Anon Family Group

rara avis · Senior Member

ESH on breaking up/moving out?

oldgraduate · Senior Member

I don't have any advice on this except that I got to the point where my counseler asked if I could make it one my own and was prepared to do it. I was, but feared reprecusions of my then angry AH and so she suggested we set up different bedrooms where we could coexist in the same house and see what progressed. I haven't done it because my kids took their mattressess when they moved out, but my AH often sleeps on the couch. I have claimed the bedroom in those times and don't want to give up my master bedroom for now. And it's fine with me if he doesn't come to bed when we are not getting along anyway.
I totally understand the black cloud you are describing. I feel it too. Mine is a passive agressive ignoring me and then blatantly leaving me out or keeping me uniformed of his plans. I try now not to confront him on it and jus stay busy like you are doing. I would say that you can't worry abuot him blaming you for anything. They are always going to blame someone else for everything because they don't want to take responsibilty. In time, I think he would see his role in where you are at and the consequences. And if he doesn't, that's not your fault either. You just have to take care of you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I was in a similar situation and did end it. Yes it was ugly and it sucked, but i got through it and got to a better place. My ex is doing better now too now that he doesn't have me to blame for all his problems.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

He will blame you because that's what alcoholics do -- they blame everyone outside themselves. You don't have to avoid being blamed, however painful it is. It helps me to do that thing where you visualize the word SICK written across their forehead.

You say that you don't fear physical violence but that he is big and scary. I'm not quite clear on how possible physical violence is, but it sounds worrying to me.

Do you own the house? If you have the resources, you might contact a lawyer on how to evict him. It sounds as if you might need some support and help -- if there is absolutely no chance of physical violence, then maybe some friends (friends from Al-Anon?) or family members who will stick by you and be there while he moves out. Or if he might be threatening, possible the police.

My exAH went peaceably. I said, "We both know this is not working out. I think we'd better separate. I'm going to ask you to move out. The end of the month would be the right time." He could sense that it was coming. We were both miserable. So he went without a fuss. That doesn't work for everyone, of course.

Hugs.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

When I asked an ex partner to move out, I helped him back a bag. We cried and cried but it knew it had to happen. I dropped him at his mothers. It was terrible but it had to happen.
Another time, Iactually went on holiday and told him a date that he should be out by, and I owuld take over the house. that was a shared house/mortgage though so slightly different.

It is a horrible time no matter what you do.. try to do the best you know how. There is no instruction manual for this.

rara avis · Senior Member

Thanks everybody.

Yes, I have even been talking to an RA friend of mine who has said just what everyone here has been saying. There seems to be no non awful way. I am going on solo holiday and I think that will be the 'best' time.

He keeps saying how much he loves me, but all day today he has been shut up his room. He wants to show me he's mad because I cleaned up his mess in the garage and he couldn't find his things. Never mind the rusty nails and razors and trash on the floor of the garage that I bought. I feel so demoralized and so sad, I'm sad for the dog too, who he has been completely ignoring. Even if he turns himself around, I don't know how to overcome how beat down I feel.

Ugh this is so horrible. And he's isolated from everyone, it's like he's tried to make me responsible for his life. I can't do it. :(

Thank you for your support in this stressful situation!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You said it all with "it's like he's tried to make me responsible for his life. I can't do it. :(" It's exactly like that in many cases.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I was told here that when I work the steps with a sponsor I will better be able to make these kinds of decisions. If you are in any danger, get out right away, if not, take your time to work the steps and make a really good decision. Often times I make rash decisions and then go back on my decision and keep going back and forth. Alanon can help take the pressure of little by little... You have to do what feels right for you. I get very resentful sometimes. And it sounds like you feel really resentful, and maybe you had expectations that were not met? A boundary is to protect you, like "if you are going to do that here, I am going in the other room and do that over there" without an attitude or whatever. An ultimatum doesn't work in these situations from what I have seen and heard here and in alanon. Its back to step 1 when I make an ultimatum. I think I am powerful over it and I am not. I can only change me. Wherever I go, there I am....

rara avis · Senior Member

Oh, no danger. And I'm not a yeller - though I've shown negative feelings in the past, and have made improvements in that area!

The expectations I have are based on promises that the RA keeps making, and breaking. Things of his own accord - being home at a certain time, doing certain things, etc...some of these things are related to self care and also 'us' time. To protect myself I don't believe anything he says anymore - I can't, because that leads to disappointment. It's no way to be in a relationship, knowing you can't believe what they say. That's not a partnership. :(

This morning he was supposed to meet w/his sponsor and go over some final papers regarding his ex wife. Because he was up all night the the day before, and has been in bed for 24 hours [!] he didn't do the papers he was supposed to bring in. This has been really important to me, clearing up the ex stuff, and I've gently said so but keeps putting it off. Well, he didn't get up today, then told me he'd call his sponsor to cancel. Said his 'back hurt' and that was why he wasn't going. That's a lie. I didn't react, just said, hey, take two advil and do some stretching. He didn't call his sponsor either, blew him off. That's two lies.

I know I'd feel better if I expected nothing! But this is a grown man, not an infant.

On the plus side it's making my decision very clear. Thanks for listening, everybody!!!!

xo
rara avis

onewholovesrock · Member

I know all about that black cloud at home. It hasn't been sunny at my house in 2 years. Stormy everday. Miserable existense. Yet she won't leave and I won't make her leave. Hope you have the tools to do what you have to do.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

Sending you support and love during this difficult time.

Hugs P

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