The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I make a good living. My A does not until recently. He got tired of making little money and got a new job. My sister lives with us and does not work, smokes our cigarettes and eats our food.
My A will not take part in our bills at all. He will not help budget and I got tired of the issues. I removed access to my bank account from him quite a while ago. When he has access to money all the time he just spends what he needs. When he doesn't have access, he just tells me what he needs and when he needs it....usually last minute. What if it isn't in the budget that I do.....he doesn't think of that.
This morning he wanted money for gas to get to work. It isn't really about the money, it was about having to transfer money whenever he wants it, or he throws a tantrum. It is about feeling demands of others on me and the expectation that I comply, while they do nothing to aid their own situation.
I had a bucket with plastic dishes in it and I slammed the things from in my hand in the bucket in his presence. He threw something immediately in my direction and I felt fear right away. I am very upset this morning.
He freaks out often. I just do my own thing and leave the room when he does it. I am under a tremendous amount of pressure running my business, starting another so I can quit the other one and have more time for myself in the near future, doing all the bills, cooking, cleaning and organizing our whole house and home schooling our son. I am not super human. If I slam something once every six months I am not going to beat myself up or think I am not doing well. I am.
I do realize though that holding him to boundaries feels impossible while taking on so much.
Dear clep, you don't HAVE to do it all. Why do you do it all? Who told you that you have to do it all.
You don't have to answer these questions to me (unless you would like to), as they are questions that you could ask yourself right now.
Don't beat yourself up over the plastic dishes thing. You didn't try to hurt anyone--and no one was hurt. However, fear when things are deliberately thrown at you is a different story---in my book. It sound like there is a lot of anger eating at you on the inside. It will eventually come out in SOME form as well as doing a job on your mental and physical health.
Fear is your natural reaction that tells you there is danger/potential danger in your environment. Listen to that warning.
Clep, I know you are a "regular" on this site. Please continue to be so.
In support, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Monday 29th of August 2011 11:04:06 AM
I fully understand where you are coming from in the feeling of having to do it all. The nice thing is you don't. You just need to figure out for you what it is that you are able to do and start giving things to others in the house TO do. It's kind of scary at first at least it was for me because it was a whole control thing I had going on. If I didn't do it who would? Plus they wouldn't do it the way I wanted them to, so why bother asking.
I started slowly for me it was driving my AH every where and not doing things I needed to be doing for myself. Now if he wants a ride home from work and knows I'm going to run a little late then he has to wait or figure out a different way home. I don't view that as my issue anymore. I always give him a heads up if I know there is going to be a conflict. So he always has time to figure out something. If he chooses not to then that's on him.
I've also started holding him accountable for things such as bills that need to be paid that I'm NOT going to pay. Again for me this is his DUI stuff. He is responsible for calling and making sure those payments are being deducted from the account. I don't ask, I don't get involved if it gets paid then that's great! I do budget for them however he does the actual phone calls. I also give him other bills that need to be paid so he can write out the checks. It helps give him a better idea of how much we are spending. Trips to the grocery store recently have been shocking to him, when the food just magically appears in the fridge he has no idea how much it costs to get it there.
When it comes to critizing things around the house if my AH doesn't like it I hand him the mop and the bucket and I don't say anything else about it. I don't do it in a mean way, with a smile on my face it's here honey thanks for the help. We have young kids, so if he's home at a reasonable hour, he helps with their homework. Ironically he's gotten notes home from the teacher correcting him on overhelping .. LOL .. what's nice is I just stay out of it. He should and needs to be involved if I do that part of things then at what point does he have to be involved?
It's amazing what has happened in our relationship when I started allowing him to be responsible for things that he could do. I don't expect him to do the whole house budget by himself. I also don't expect him to be able to run specific errands the way I can, because it's not realistic at this point and time. He doesn't drive. He can participate in different ways.
This is my personal opinion however you stated your sister is living with you with no job, .. ummm .. why isn't she doing the majority of the housework? I mean if she wants to do less housework .. get a job. Sorry that's my take. I also am reading that he's still commingling money with you? While he may not have access to the house accounts if he has his own money once it's gone it's gone. He's just going to have to figure his own personal budget. He can scream all he wants if it's not there it's not there.
On the above take what you like, it's just I have to watch myself and my motives if I am feeling overwhelmed by my own situation and what is of my own making and what is it I can have others take care of.
I try and allow my family to now do the things that they can do for themselves, I do not have to do everything because there is actually help. Maybe there are some things my AH can't do or things my kids can't do either, however as a family we all have to help each other. It's been a good lesson for me about asking for help and then learning what others can give in the situation. It also shows my kids and AH, I'm not the hired help, that just because they choose to make a mess doesn't mean I'm gong to be the one cleaning it up. Most of all I feel like I'm giving my AH back something akin to confidence that while he may not do things the way I would do them, he CAN do them and they do get done. I know it's helped him as much as it's helped me.
Hugs P :)
PS - He actually complimented me over the weekend about the house and said he knew how hard I was trying. For the first time there was no sarcasm, no back handed compliment attached he was very genuine. It was a really good feeling to be acknowledged. It also reminded me that I need to be sure to thank him for the things he does do and be mindful of my own attitude when it comes to giving positive feedback.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I see what you mean Otie and I have tried not to do it all many times.
If I don't pay the bills, they don't get paid.
If I don't do our son's school work with him it doesn't get done.
If I don't work, the bills don't get paid.
If I don't register our son for cubs and swimming he doesn't do them. etc, etc, etc.
It is as simple as that. I can't make my A do anything. Just because I provide the opportunity for him to pay the bills doesn't mean he is going to do it. To him that means he has money to play with while he avoids the bills until the utilities get cut off.
He has a large amount of bills that are in his name that he just doesn't pay. If he earns the prize of poor credit or court action he really doesn't care.
I run my business out of my house and I cannot go without internet, exectricity or gas. That is simply not an option if I want to keep my business going.
I have a responsibility as a parent to our son. That has nothing to do with what his father is doing. I will not neglect the needs of our child just because the other parent is, so I do it alone.
I am not concerned about the dishes thing, but I am concerned about his reaction with me finally getting angry with all of this. You are right, I am angry. Even with my program, I am angry now. I am deserving of better than this from him or anyone else.
I don't care if he does things the way I think they should be done. I realize my way is not the only way to get things done with our home or bills.
I do care about that though when it comes to our son. I am not okay with my A creating situations that will diminish our sons self worth or create negative coping skills in our son to deal with his crap.
His bills are unpaid that are his own and his credit is shot. Not my problem, nor do I make it mine. The bills that are household bills I pay and take care of. I have tried to allow him to do it before, but the utilities just get cut off and then I have a crisis situation on my hands to restore them so my business doesnt' suffer.
With the house, if it doesn't get done I don't really care. He is the one that cares and does lots of the housework. According to him, that is his only job in life. Jobs that don't require any mental work.
When I allow him to be responsible for things he can do, he just doesn't do them. I can't make him do them and providing the opportunity for him to do them doesn't magically create interest in him to do them.
As far as my sister goes I couldnt' agree more. I am going to have to have her move as she will also not do what needs to be done in life. She sleeps all day and stays up all night. I provided her the option of renting our room or I would rent it to someone else. She has said nothing and there is a few days left till her rent is due. She still does nothing.
I have provided him his own money after bills are paid. He still complains for more. I even asked him to let me know what he needs and that is what I gave him. There are constant tantrums for more and justification for why he needs more. Life is still chaotic unless he has an open bank account to spend what he wants, when he wants. I email transfer the money to his account every two weeks.
I ask for help all the time. Both my A and sister will be more than willing in words to help, and then just don't follow through. Then I am in a crisis situation.
Lots of this is due to my business and the nature of it. I have decided to change my business to aid myself in this situaiton. I have more work to do now in getting my other business up and running until it replaces my current income. After that happens, my life will be a tremendous amound easier. Until then, I continue to do everything.
After the change in business, if there are no utilities in our house I don't have to care. I can take my son somewhere else to live for a short period until my A has the utilities restored. :) It can be his problem then.
He knows I need certain things for my business and takes advantage of that. Hopefully in six months with a great deal of hard work, things will change in some signifigant areas.
Not sure if you have a sponsor right now, but maybe she can help shed some light on this with you? I know for me, when I call my sponsor, I feel better and have a better idea how to handle things. Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Yes I have a wonderful sponsor for the past two years. She cannot shed any light on this matter, nor can any of the other long timers I have spoken with. They keep saying to keep the focus on me and do what is best for myself at the time. Keeping the focus on me is what I have been doing for the past year and making decisions that edify me. That does not change the behaviors of others and having them leave my life seems more and more like what will have to do for myself. That is unless I can get my other business replacing my income more quickly to change the situation.
I am not sure if my shed can give you any light, but I can relate to your posts from past relationships
These feelings for me have flowed over into my current life and relationship. i was doing everything and he really didnt' care. why would he... he was happy doing nothing.
I thought.. this isn't fair.. he really doesn't care and no matter what I do... he won't do anything... is he blind stupid selfish or all of the above????
I decided... write a list of the things that I can't do without. A list of MY needs. for you this may be the utilities bills, your sons schooling, your business needs, your sanity. (for me I included a clean bathroom.. can't stand showering in dirt). I also added, making sure the animals were fed every day.. I didn't do it, I just waited til he had gotten comfortable in bed and reminded him he hadn't fed his beloved dog. This list was the things that I would do because I needed them so I did them for ME.
I decided... I can live with dirty dishes (I actually bought paper at one time because the plates hadn't been washed). I can make do with no lawn if he hasn't watered it. I allocated a night a week that I did not cook and food was his responsibility. At first I was really annoyed that he bought take away and didn't cook like I did every other night in order to save money... then eventually I thought.. oh well.. I am not getting it or having to do anything about it so.....I can live wiht that. One night it was nearly 8pm and we stil hadn't eaten. I made myself a snack.
I left his clothes on the floor, they are not mine, I can make do if he has no clean clothes. If he has not money for petrol then he can walk or get a lift or whatever.
Just remember to take baby steps with this.
I suggest these things for myself as I no longer live with violence. If you are doing everythign out of fear of the repercussions, as I was many years ago, then you must start small. Talking to him about it may not work. its the actions he will see.
Perhaps at an appropriate time, ask your sister to do a couple of jobs and give her a time frame to do them in. If they are not done in that time frame, then there would be a consequence. I remember my mum once serving my dinner up on the table, without a plate, because I hadn't done the dishes. she was working her Al Anon. I noted she had a clean plate!!!! Perhaps you could task her to cook dinner one night. You eat at another point in time of the time so if she doesn't do it, you are not hungry. Have a back up plan for your son. Either way you and your son won't be hungry.... but don't cook for her because she didn't fulfill the task...
These are just ideas that I have they maynot be appropriate for your situation.
to put this into perspective, it is not because I have never been scared of doing these things, so I know how daunting this is. the first man I lived with, if I did not hand him the ashtray (that I may ad was sitting next to him and on the other end of the room to where I was sitting), if I didn't get it to him when he demanded while he lay on the couch, he would then butt the cigarette out on me. it was my fault becasue if I dind't want him to use an ashtray, then he woudl use me as one. It hurt. I was confused. I was 17years old. I would often still refuse to do those things for him... was I stupid or stubborn or both??????? who knows. I know I was bruised inside and out.
to this day, I am never sure if what I am doing, or the boundaries I am making are appropriate or far fetched.. too much or too little???? I find I am never sure if I am just being stubborn to the point of making myself get hurt. But thats my issue.
You DO have this strength in you. Do what is SAFE for you and take what you like from this and leave the rest.
I have done all those things and minimized my jobs to just what I have to do. I didn't think of the paper plates though. Great idea.
We have a multitude of pets, mainly reptiles. When we got them I did let him know he would not be able to count on me to feed or care for them. I have stuck with that of course.
You have really hit an irritant on the head for me actually. I have to cook for numerous children every night. If I don't cook enough for the family and the children, the family will just eat the children's food and I won't have enough to feed the children. That drives me crazy. I also need clean pots and dishes, but my A is pretty good about doing those. My sister will not cook, and I mean will not cook. She will eat all of the chocolate chips, leftovers cold or whatever she can rummage up. She will eat regular meals only if she is cooked for. If I was to serve her food on the table, she would leave it there and let me know I now have a mess to clean up. She is quite intelligent and uses that to her advantage. She isn't very smart though if you know what I mean.
More and more I realize I need a new line of work, or these people out of my life.
