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My AH and I had our second marriage counseling appmt yesterday. I was really feeling low and out of energy from the night before, when I was feeling sick and up in the middle of the night. I was sad, more tearful than usual. I felt very weak, and usually in counseling sessions I feel at least safe and a little more empowered.
The counselor, I believe, is first trying to help us develop skills to communicate, before we get into the big issues (?). That's how it makes sense to me anyway. It's hard, because everything I say (to my AH) is "wrong," or countered by his grievances. He doesn't even get the concept that if I feel unsafe, I should be able to leave. Five months ago, just before he went to an inpatient program, he understood that I left our home with our daughter because I felt unsafe. He has somehow developed amnesia, and threatens again "you won't leave again with MY daughter." "His" daughter, who I have tried to encourage him to develop a relationship with, who I am the primary caregiver for on top of a full-time job, who he has lacked patience for or interest in.
He said I never take responsibility for anything, or apologize for anything. I know I do. I know sometimes I apologize for things that are not my responsibility or fault. I am NOT perfect, I make mistakes, but I am courteous to him out of respect for the fact that he is my husband and my daughter's father. He is rarely even close to that - his idea of me apologizing would be for being honest or speaking up for myself - not something I have done to him, just something he doesn't like. He does not offer courtesy or respect to me, nor does he EVER thank me for working and working so hard to be a good Mom. In fact, he's jealous of both. When will these things present themselves??
When I just asked if he would please not scream and swear in my face, and just try to be KIND - he said "it's not my job to be kind to you."
I feel frustrated by all of this. I feel like he manipulated our session (though I think the counselor did see things and is just trying to get us through the hardest part). Then he had the audacity to say that he's upset because he thinks I see our situation as hopeless and he doesn't. Why does he even want to be with me? It seems like he can't stand the fact that I breathe! Why be with someone if all you want is to control them?
Perhaps this just takes patience and trust.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Sounds pretty frustrating and also that you are carrying around so much hurt, anger, and disappointment that you feel you cannot even express to the one person that really needs to hear it.
Hi KLotus.... My recollection is that your hubby is (very) early in recovery/sober, is that right?? There are no hard & fast rules, of course, but generally we are both encouraged to work individually, on our own respective programs of recovery, for at least a year, before getting back into any kind of couples' counselling....Kinda sounds to me that this counselling is "too much, too soon" for you guys.... Perhaps you could make an individual appointment with the counselor, and ask them these types of questions???
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Dear Klotus, I respectfully disagree that it "JUST takes patience and trust" for him to become respectful and treat you in the way you deserve. Haven't you already been doing this? His treatment of you and your daughter comes from within him---and you can't control that if you turn yourself inside out and upside down.
As has been said over and over around here, is that the alcoholic projects blame and keeps the focus on someone else in order to deflect the attention away from them/their addiction. Naturally, you are the most convenient recipient for whatever he needs to get off his back---his anger, guilt and self-loathing, responsibilities, frustrations, and on and on..... I have no idea what his personality was like prior to the addiction. Basic personality and temprament don't change just because a person becomes sober---at least that has always been my experience. If he is not with you he wouldn't have anyone to enable him to deflect.
It looks to me like your marriage therapist has her "work" cut out for her. A therapist can't accomplish much, in my opinion, unless the client is motivated and willing to be honest. After all, the real work is done by the client--not so much the therapist. Abuse and active addiction are "deal breakers" for a relationship as I (and the majority of therapists) see it.
I can't remember how old your daughter is, but I think that living in a toxic environment musst be having a negative impact on her. I sometimes read the boards of The Adult Children of Alcoholics and it just heart-breaking to read what the addictions have done to their lives.
Klotus, I see soo many reasons that your journey to become healthy and whole is vital. I wish, for you, the very best.
I hope you will continue your own recovery and go to counseling on your own, regardless where you go with the couples counseling you still need tools and support to help you through this time. Getting better is where your focus needs to be, going to the face to face meetings of alanon makes a huge difference. If you can't get to those there are things on iTunes in the podcast area. It makes a difference to listen to what others have been through somehow that just makes things hopeful.
In support, Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Klotus, keep coming :) I think you had mentioned going to meetings before, I hope you find one to help you today. Get some phone numbers and call them. I can't remember if you have a sponsor, but she may be able to help guide you in the moment... Alanon can help those of us living with an alcoholic get serenity whether the alcoholic is drinking, or in recovery or not... Its here for the taking. Peace be with you. HUGS! You are not alone! I love the pod casts that Pushka mentioned... :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
