GUILT TRIPS--I CALL THEM LIKE I SEE THEM! - Al-Anon Family Group

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

GUILT TRIPS--I CALL THEM LIKE I SEE THEM!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs HN,

I"m coming from the standpoint of I have a strained relationship with my own mother. I love my mom the best way I know how. It's not the most ideal relationship, I support her how I know best and that is far far away. I'm hoping as I heal through alanon I will gain more coping skills so I can be in the same room with her and not feel like I need to hypervenilate into a paperbag. Someday, .. maybe, today not so much. So I listen to her go on and I am able now to not take every phone call as a personal call to do this or that. I also deal with some pstd and attachment issues with both her and my dad.

I would suggest that if your aunt feels it necessary to offer unsolisited advice about what you should or should not do (my mom's girlfriends have called me and made "suggestions" .. lol) my response was/is .. you know what that sounds like a great idea why don't YOU go out there and do that with/for her. After much back peddling and I am totally silent as they go through this .. I hear .. you know what, maybe that's not what needs to happen. I don't say anything else except thank you for your concern, I will let you know if something needs to be done.

You don't sound selfish (to me) and maybe you can put it in this way, AH and I want to spend some time alone to work on our relationship this is an opportunity for us to do so. I hope we see you at the meeting. End of story. I'm amazed at how I have always felt the need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain) why I do or don't want to do something. The reality is I don't owe anyone an explination for why I do or don't feel a specific way (neither do you!!). My relationship with my mother is no one else's business and I love the fact that it is none of my business what other people think about me. :)

The only way you are going to feel guilty is if you allow them that kind of power over you. OMG, .. sometime I will share some of the seriously hysterical stories that I have about situations with my mom, grandma and great aunt. When people have tried to guilt me in the past I would look at them and say good grief do you know who I grew up with?!?! Soooo not going to happen, I have been guilted by the best and they couldn't do it trust me it ain't gonna happen. LOL!!!

Regardless of what your mom has or hasn't done for you in your past or present, you have to define what kind of relationship you want to have and where your boundaries are with that relationship. I have had to tell my mom that there are some conversations I can't have with her. She is better off calling a girlfriend who will support her because I am never going to agree with the stance she takes. They are conversations that were inappropriate when I was 9 and they still are at my grown up age. She's been surprised maybe even hurt, you know what, I don't see that as my issue.

Again that doesn't mean I want to see my mother writhing in pain on the floor, spit on her, step over her and never look back. We don't have a huggie huggie relationship either. I try to respect her the best I can and ditto for her. I think considering we do ok. It's a LOT of boundaries on my part and trying to remember there is a difference between a boundary and a wall.

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I wish I could say something to ease your mind.

I expect nothing from my kids. Only I really know how hard I worked as a widow raising them. I would not want them to feel obligated to me. If they come of their own desire, that is such a huge wonderful thing!

My mother bless her funny self, loving self, all nurturing self....NEVER made us feel like we had to do anything for her and the three of us would do anything for her.

ut My thought is until a person makes boundaries about things that are important to them, the same tension is going to come up all the time.

To me it is natural to want to spend time with a husband alone.So if it was his mom, she as a pill too, I would make it clear if we wanted to be alone there was no questioning it. A husband leaves his parents and stays with his wife, and visa versa.

Whether she talks to sis or not to me does not matter as that is her right. I guess my though again is, we teach others how to treat us. If I say I am going to do something, I am an adult, and will not allow anyone to question me. so they don't.

It's up to us to set the rules with others around us. I don't have to explain my position. it is what it is. Our family did not gossip back and forth either about another family member I am talking mother daddy my brothers and some cousins gma an gpa.

So again it comes to us to decide to have it one way or the other and not be wishy washy or get into this position.

Its a simple, ok mom we are going blah blah. Hope you can make it. love you!

I like taking care of me. You sure did turn out independant even though she musta not wanted to cut the strings!

hugs hugs and have a good time! love,deb

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Kath I learned to keep it simple...think it out and then make my decision based upon the consequence I wanted to have...then live with the consequence. When I did it that way I didn't allow myself to be guilted or shamed into the decision. Say what you mean and don't say it mean was what was mentioned again at this morning's meeting. Of course you will also turn it over to HP and be quiet while you listen (key). I remember a little similar incident involving my Mom and Step Dad when I was leaving their place and their continuous arguing and yelling. When I got to the front door and grabbed hold of the door knob I said this prayer; "Lord if there is anything here that you see I can do tell me now or I'm out of here." HP responded "Well you are a counselor aren't you?" and yes at that time I was working in that profession and so I turned around and considering my Mom and Step Dad as clients I did a half hour session where one condition was that they were to listen only and not speak while I gave them my "stuff". Who could have told except HP that on the next day they would confront me with gratitude and tell me that what they heard was the truth that had never been told to them before and that they were very grateful for it.

Ask your HP and then go quiet while you listen. ((((hugs)))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

For me in situations and people that are challenging, I often ask myself before I make a decision as to whether or not to act, I ask myself:

Is It In MY Best Interest?

On the back of our birthday coins in our home group it says "To Thine Own Self Be True" The question I ask myself before I act is in keeping with that slogan. Then I make the decision, whatever it may be, and be responsible for choice (not reaction) I made.

Also, with people that seemingly grind against my soul, it helps me to think of one good thing about them. So often I can focus on the negatives and completely overlook the positives. When I concentrate on the positive qualities, I often can find more. In that regard I am able to interact with them in a more meaningful, healthy, balanced way. When I stick to the negatives, it shapes my attitides and actions when I am in their presence. Therefore, I have found that the negatives distorts my behaviors, limiting me from being courteous, kind, peaceful and understanding.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.