The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am again having difficulty concentrating at work. I am again struggling to feel anything other than negative about myself. I don't really even know why. So, I check in here, I read, "listen," and write to all of you instead of sit in "silence," hoping it will help me to center myself just a bit.
I have endured a number of very, very difficult times in my life. I always "come back" to myself. I feel beaten down this morning. I feel that creeping fear of not being able to be myself. I go home, sometimes to am AH who is in a decent mood and nice to me, sometimes to what seems like a monster and (like last night) sometimes to an AH who starts out being "nice" and turns into a version of monster.
There are times when what he says makes almost no rational sense. I'll ask "why did you just say that? What were you trying to tell me?" He literally looks at me, remains silent for a looong stretch, shakes his head and walks away.
Yesterday I asked him to help me unravel some plastic wrap to cover leftovers after dinner. Somehow it turned into him muttering "I don't want to to it, I do everything." Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE. This is a man who screams at me for asking him to pick up our daughter from daycare after I've worked all day long and would have to spend an extra 1.5 hrs in the car otherwise - though he's been unemployed for over a year. He then criticizes me for speaking in too low a volume, though my left ear is plugged and I'm having trouble hearing. Oh, there's more, but I'm tired of complaining. About 6-8 months ago I started being sick of trying to be kind, loving, generous, understanding, and started letting him know that I was angry or hurt. I started pushing back. Now he thinks I'm competitive, talk too much, and am too emotional. Can I just stop the game? Time-out, I'm done. Don't follow me, don't mutter nastiness under your breath, don't put your hands on me, don't scream at the top of your lungs in my face and in my ear, don't throw my bag and kick my clothes around, don't tell me to shut up - just let me go. Please. Let everything return to pre-marriage (less than 3 yrs ago), pre-dating, pre-you-and-me. I TOLD you we'd be a disaster, I TOLD you we were better as friends. I TOLD you that we want different things, have different values, are in different places in our healing and our life journeys. PLEASE LET ME GO.
That's the point though, right? I TOLD him this - so now I feel entirely responsible for allowing myself to be wooed, talked into, convinced, trusting, and a re-ignited codependent. I was doing ok, I really was. I just needed time to continue healing. WHY did I get into this? Now he has the ultimate weapon to use against me: my own heart, my daughter. That threat has kept me spinning with fear more times than anything else.
My mind is so preoccupied with thoughts of leaving him. Where would I live? I'm the only one with a job, but could I afford everything we need? Custody issues? Would he flip out and come after me (in any sense) if I told him I wanted to leave? On top of this, these last couple of years with him have left me feeling like I have to start over in healing. While I'm an ACOA, not every second of my life was miserable. I actually had quite a number of happy, healthy memories - But this situation has only highlighted the misery in every challenging childhood memory I have. It's like being married to my husband (at times) is living in hell. Oy. And, I can't believe I just said that.
Ok ok. Thank you. I needed to let it out.
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 25th of August 2011 09:55:43 AM
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Hugs to you KLotus. Praying you make the right decisions for you and your daughter during this difficult time. We are all here to listen and help lighten your load.
So glad you took the time to reflect and share honestly where you are today. it is a terrific tool of this program and really does help to cclarify our thoughts and remove much confusion.
NOw that it is on the Board, be gentle with yourself, do not get to hungry , angry, lonely or tired, and know HP has you and your family.
Just keep showing up and doing what you are doing.
I will share my affirmation for today on Inner Peace. You can put HP in the place of God if you want: "In the silence, my heart and mind are centered in God". I have to work daily to get silent, and centered. I end up in a frenzy of anxiety or anquish if I don't. I am always asking my HP to show me the way - but then I forget to listen. I end up sometimes getting it in dreams, which happened last night and it was awesome. But I know I miss alot from not listening. It's hard to focus on our own anxiety if we are truly centered and listening to our HP. And that also takes the focus off our A in our lives. today I have to not focus on my son who isn't returning my calls. My first instinct is the fear he is jail or trouble. But I have to center and release it to my HP. So, I'll be keeping you in thought today as you center and focus on yourself. Only then will you gain clarity and not react to someone else's behavior. And in saying that, I am saying it to myself as well. Thanks for sharing.
I "hear" you. I read every line you wrote. I can identify with so much of what you are going through and feeling. I was once there, too.
As you know, none of us can tell you how to make things right for you; that's your job - your journey.
I agree with HotRod, you have the courage to be honest with yourself. That's a good start.
This part of your journey is rough, no doubt. But I'm here to tell you that things can get better for you. How? I wish I knew. But they'll get better. I live my journey one day at a time now - one step at a time............. seldom go back to the past or into the future. I used to, but with lots of practice and continued practice, it get easier and easier.
May your dispair not overshadow your sense of hope. That is my prayer for you today.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
"There are times when what he says makes almost no rational sense."
Nope, trying to rationalize with an irrational person makes no sense. Again with the jell-o analogy, when someone or myself gets to that point of either I'm the one being irrational or they are I have to picture them or me just like jell-o. You can't nail it to a tree, sometimes people are just to that point. Jiggle jiggle.
I hope you are able to go to a meeting. I know the mantra around here .. lol .. however it really does help. That is what grounds me the most during my worst moments of myself getting in my own way. If I'm reacting in ways that aren't healthy or if I'm obsessing over things that aren't going to change in that moment the meetings are what put me back onto the right track.
God grant serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have to agree with Pushka here. You know, meetings help, you can bring your baby to meetings. And someone there will be able to talk with you after the meeting, and you will feel the real time support that is offered there.
I have to say Easy Does it. Take care of you. Try some meetings. Try the women's center... Do the next right thing for you... HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
When you say, "Now he has the ultimate weapon to use against me: my own heart, my daughter. That threat has kept me spinning with fear more times than anything else" -- I'm confused about what you meant. Has he threatened to try to get or share custody? Or has he threatened to abduct her, or God forbid, something even worse? Those are very different situations. If it's the custody issue, many here have been through similar things and can provide ESH, and a lawyer can tell you what your legal options are.
If it's the other things, then that's a very serious situation. Since we are just a bunch of folks at a distance on the internet, of course we can't assess how things are for you or give you professional advice. But if this is a possibility, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (if you are in the U.S.) is 1800799SAFE(7233), http://www.thehotline.org/
Please take very good care of yourself. I was in a similar situation, with a young child and a non-working (but not abusive) alcoholic husband spiraling downwards. I didn't know how could survive. I won't say that every piece of my life after separating was a walk in the park, but it was much, much easier than I thought it would be -- and it was much easier than the struggle I faced when I was with him. This is not to say that you should leave, just that you do have choices. Stay if that's the better option, leave if that's the better option. And please take good care of yourself! Hugs.
well this certainly rang a bell with me this morning ,the confusion of living with this terrible disease , the black outs not remembering what they said or did , one day its great next pure hell . my husb could walk out of the room in a good mood return min later and start complaining about everything and every one . If you can try and remember that this is booze talk and I dont believe they are ever sober until they quit drinking completley .. Your going to be ok keep the focus on yourself dont get drawn into the drama he creates , they argue to get the focus off them selves will say and do anything to get us off thier back . You wonder if your going to be ok with out him ?? you are the sole provider for your home right now of course you would be okay with one less mouth to feed . Please add a reg Al-Anon meeting to your week to deal with NOW acoa will take care of the past. Custody issues don't worry no court would give a practicing A a child , he would have to prove that you are an unfit mother and trust me that is not easy . You will be okay if you just take care of you and your daughter .
I am also reading and hearing and visualizing the exact same situation all over again - as I have lived what you are living...and survived! The 'what if's are the hardest and scariest, those kept me stuck, those kept me being emotionally beaten down to a place where I lost myself completely...I just 'did the day' and only with my daughter's needs for a focus...she couldn't do it alone, whereas I was the adult - I can 'handle this' (or so I thought).
I found alanon, I found ideas and healthy advice from Domestic Violence Advocates, I found Legal information for the custody/divorce and all that stuff...I had a focus when these things were finally found...that focus is 'how do I do this without falling on my face and putting my daughter in (what I called) dangerous physical and emotional situations.....
I did it 'One Day at a Time'
I did it One phone call at a time
I saved money, hid it so he couldn't find it
I packed an emergency bag for both my daughter and I and asked a friend to store it for us.
I wrote peoples telephone numbers down so no matter where I was, I could call them.
I went to Alanon Meetings where I got comfort, got congratulations on my strength and tenacity and for what I did that week in comparison to the week before, I got wonderful helpful support.
I went through hell - no lies or cushions...
I still sometimes wonder 'what if' ... I stayed? Would it be easier than this? Would I be where I am now?....etc.
But, in the long run...We are not together anymore...and I may not be completely where I want to be....but, my daughter is safe, more herself and happier - and I am safe, more confidant, stronger and not as alone as I truly thought I would be through the whole ordeal.
One Day at a Time.
May you find new ideas, wisdom, strength, resources and confidence - each step of the way....
Thank you for reminded me of what it 'was' and humbly showing me what 'is now'.
~!~
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
I would ask you to read this your post as if your best friend was telling you this story.
What would you say to her to make her feel better. Not advice, not to stay or go, just to hold her and make her feel better.
You can be your own best friend sometimes. Give yourself a hug. As was said on another post, "You will be ok" I agree you must take steps to ensure your physical safety at the moment.
I have lived very violently and hear my self in your posts from my past. Safety is always parmount. Get that escape bag and a safe place.
Sometimes it does have to get pretty bad before it gets better. Your HP doesn't want you in pain like this. Don't beat yourself up for the choices you made in this relationship. Love and relationships are confusing. You didn't know it would turn out this way. It's okay. It doesn't make you wrong for having gotten into the relationship. Hindsight is 20/20 and also you have a beautiful daughter now.
You can and will make it in life. What's your alternative?
