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I got a text a bit ago that AH (who has been sober for quite some time now) stopped off for a beer with the guys. He's previously told me he thought he'd eventually drink again, just in moderation this time.
Maybe he will.
I feel like I am being tested.... "How is she going to react?" "What is she going to say?"
I just want to stay out of it, but I feel like he's going to drag me into it.
I know when my husband has a smoke, I feel like he is testing me.
He says that it is my reaction which makes him feel guilty about having a smoke. It is my reaction that makes him lie to me about it.
Funny that even when I have been ok with it (in my mind), it hasn't changed his behaviour.
doens't matter what I do.... he will do it anyway, or he won't. The only thing I could do would be to show glee and happiness that he is smoking and he is stoned. Join in with him and have a ball!!!! Unfortunatley that isn't possible becasue I am not addicted to the stuff.
You do what is right for you when/if he comes in drunk or has had a drink. Don't react to his drinking.
he may look for a button to push in order to get you to react and then guess what.... I would bet you wil lhear the words "I knew you woud react like that" "See I may as well as gotten drunk"
I am not sure I am helping but I guess I am trying my damnest to learn what the people here say and .... DON'T REACT.
I don't have any ESH on this issue, I can give you a big cyber hug and promise there will be a new day tomorrow.
I will say something I've heard on the boards over and over again. He either is or he isn't going to drink. What are YOU going do?
Sending you love and support during this time, Hugs again P
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
What I want to do is put his drinking in a drawer, close it, and not open it. But I don't think he's going to let me.
What will probably happen is that he'll want to talk about it, and then when I don't he'll accuse me of not wanting to communicate, putting up roadblocks in our relationship because we're supposed to be able to talk about anything. Or he'll ask me how I feel about it, and that is sure a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. How do I feel? I don't like it, but it's not my body so go ahead and do whatever you want with your body.
What will probably happen is he'll push me into a corner, and force me to discuss it. If I tell him "It's up to you what you do" then he'll say, "Well your body language is telling me you don't believe that."
Very recently I have thought to myself.. I am not currently talking to my husband.. I am talking to the addict when we discuss his smoking. There is no reasoning, no logic, it is all confusing.
I have heard people on this board say, "say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean"
There is nothing wrong with engaging in my opinion and talking about it. He opened the drawer not you.
There is nothing wrong with saying that right now, you are not sure how you feel about it.
I would like to you to consider how much you are projecting. I find I think about the 'He will say, then I will say, then he will say, and that will be annoying..."
Before you know it, I have had the argument before he has even walked in the door. When he does walk in, he is walking into an argument that is half way through, and he wasn't even there for the beginning of it. Of course my body language is negative. I am arguing with him in his absence.
In the last few weeks I have thought.. if he has smoked or not smoked, I am happy to see my husband. I smile and say hello and give him a kiss. Did you have a good day? (still in my head I say... did you get stoned?).
Living with an Ah is not easy and it takes strategies to cope on a daily basis. What works for me is to have my own agenda and have things to keep me focused. If he comes home sober, I'll make time for him and fit him into my schedule and enjoy the moment. When he comes home drunk, then I give him all the space he needs and stay out of his way. I have my own room and my sanctuary. Having my own life and agenda keeps me out of trouble and allow him to be himself.
That seems to work for me. My Ah knows the rules. So, when he is drunk, he just goes to his room and stays there. Lately, he has been having more sober days and we just enjoy each day not projecting what tomorrow will bring. We just live in the moment. Our wedding anniversay is coming up and that will be the 36th year for us.
I earned a degree online just by keeping myself doing constructive things while my Ah drinks. Keep coming back.
Based on my esh, best thing is to be honest in a kind and loving way. You can choose when to discuss it. You don't have to allow him to bully you into a conversation when he's impaired, tired, angry, hungry, looking for a fight or when the time isn't convenient for you. Your description of his behavior reminds me of how some of my high school students behaved, when I was a teacher. They push push push and try to wear you down. They bully you. Their behavior is immature and hateful. It's immature and hateful to push someone in a corner (bullying), force someone to communicate (bullying), accuse you of this or that (bullying), and then dismiss what you have to say (disrespectful).
Based on my esh, maintain your composure. If he starts bullying you, tell him that you expect him to treat you with respect and dignity at all times. If he doesn't, you leave his presence and go take care of yourself. If you feel yourself losing your cool, i.e. being triggered by his insanity, you have the right to say that you're feeling uncomfortable, need a break, and want to continue the conversation another time. Then if he does what you describe, that is, bully you, this is another perfect opportunity to take care of yourself by telling him that you expect him to treat you with dignity and respect and you leave his presence.
At this point is what he's thinking or feeling or doing your business? Is it your business to take care of yourself?
His drinking has nothing to do with you ,he drinks because this disease says its time and with out support it will always win .. do the opposite to what you normally do and it will work out differently.
I keep remembering the saying - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So, when I start feeling crazy or want to respond like I used to, I ask myself - why would I contribute to my own insanity? That makes me stop and think about either how to handle it differently or if I should just not handle it right then. I kwow it feels like they are TESTING us when they drink. But I have to remember ' it's not about me' and 'don't take it personally'. Even if deep down it has something to do with how he feels about me, he ultimately has to be the one to get the help and want to change his response. So I am not going to take credit or responsibility for his actions.
