The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday my AH and I had our first real marriage counseling session. I liked the counselor well enough, and she has experience/background in addiction issues. We basically laid some groundwork, and gave an overview. My AH was much more calm this time, and happened to be in a good mood (the last counselor we tried to see was when he was so angry that we couldn't even communicate in the session).
I am grateful that we are there. I am also feeling a little like something is off, and confused. I feel like things were downplayed, I didn't come out and say "my AH is verbally/emotionally abusive, and bordering on physical - and has gone from daily meetings to maybe one a week." It was sort of like: my husband is an alcoholic, things have been tough, I think we both have a history of PTSD, and it's been a tough transition since he started recovery 2 months ago."
I'ts not just "tough" though, it's unbearable a lot of the time. And, he was complaining that I am too emotional, and I repeat myself too much which pushes his buttons. Hmmm - let's see, when did that begin? Me being too emotional basically looks like me standing up for myself, or daring to show that I don't like what he's saying, or that I'm angry. His being emotional looks like a tornado in my living room. What's wrong here?
I think maybe it's fine, because we're just beginning. We have another appmt in less than a week. Is this merely a time for Patience?
Thanks.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
K - They recommend treating each other "cordially" in the early phases of recovery. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing this because he isn't going to enough meetings and isn't involved enough with the AA program. As for you, well....patience is not the answer as much as detachment I think which is a huge encompassing goal in alanon.
I can sense you down played things because you are trying to compromise and make peace when really you have much stronger feelings. Also, I know it must be maddening to be called on your behavior by someone who has absolutely ZERO ground to stand on with regard to acknowledging their own behavior and taking responsiblity over it. That is the typical pattern of an active alcoholic or one in very early recovery. "Egomaniac with an inferiority complex." In essense...they claim how everyone else is so bad and awful and should do things they way they do but when it is pointed out that they act in a wrongful way, they cannot stand the feedback and come back at you all defensive, angry, and wounded. That pattern will only break with a serious "AHA" moment or a spiritual awakening for him. Until then (if it ever happens), I just suggest taking care of #1 (which is you of course). Maybe your own therapy to help you become empowered and to give you a place to strengthen your own voice (though I think alanon can also function in that manner for free).
**I will caution that this feedback is really not alanon based but from my AA experience - only about 1 in 20 people who start in AA achieve lasting sobriety. When I read about someone cutting back to 1 meeting a week after 2 months in sobriety, I would put that person's chances at about zero. I see this on the AA board and in AA meetings all the time. People will say they want to stop drinking...they want all the benefits of sobriety (a better marriage included), but they continue to think they are unique and do not have to do all the work that the rest of us had to do in order to get sober and stay sober. Only when he becomes so miserable from his drinking that he is desperate enough to do whatever it takes in AA, that will be the point at which he may start getting sober. It won't happen while he still has all the garden variety alcoholic behaviors and attitudes you are describing. I'm only telling you this so that you can learn more about alcoholism and make informed decisions based on that. Also not telling you to leave or anything as others will tell you Alanon is about you and not him and his drinking. You can be okay regardless of his drinking.
I guess I wanted to try and help you identify if any of your feelings about saving the marriage are contingent upon his stopping drinking....if that is so, you might be waiting for a long time and it would benefit you more to really work on yourself in alanon rather than trying to fix the way you communicate with an insane alcoholic who is incapable of making the types of changes you really want. Have you ever seen intervention on TV? Nobody stops drinking due to compromising with them and trying to make peace. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is better for you and them.
Dear Klotus, a majority of therapists will not work with a couple as a "couple" if there is active addiction going on. The will often suggest that each person be in individual therapy until at least the active addiction is arrested. Active addiction throws such a monkey wrench into the equasion (It is like having a third, invisible person in the relationship) that most therapists recognize it as a "deal breaker".
I think it is fair to say,at first, clients may be reluctant to lay all the cards on the table (especially the most threatening ones) because there needs to be enough trust developed. This is, generally speaking.
Hugs so glad you guys are going to these appointments with someone who is versed in addiction. Give it some time. She's probably getting to know the dynamics of the relationship see what kinds of reactions are going on to the topics that are discussed. My fav statement my exA made at our counseling session was "Everything if wonderful. I love my wife and things are great." LOL .. oh yea .. they were wonderful. They weren't and the counselor clued in on that really fast. Once he got my exA's number he refused to go back. My AH's statement was "I'm a simple man. She's to complicated." I still laugh over that because yes my simple man has a very complicated life. I swear my dad used to say the same thing, it's now gone in my mental files as a red flag. Unfortunately, because I was in such pain the meetings weren't very good for us. I talked my AH sat in silence. I think we would benefit more now from marriage counseling which I may suggest, we'll see.
It's so important to do the "homework" that she gives even if your A doesn't you do it because it will only help you heal. Darn it I can't remember if you go to meetings or not, don't be surprised if she mentions alanon meetings and how important those will be for you. I'm speaking from my experience that's a good sign she's doing her job.
It's also normal to downplay what's been going on, as you become more comfortable and confident you will be able to bring that up. I can understand if you have some fear there too, after all you have to go home with your A, and after bringing things up it can be scary. Take your time. It will come.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You guys give some really darn good feedback! Thanks and keep it coming if there's more! That really put things into perspective. Thank God for your ESH!
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
