The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had f2f meeting tonight, she had a AA meeting in the same building. She drove. (The car I bought for her) She was being pretty revved up today. After the meetings we argued over dinner plans just like most nights. She was very angry and was driving very dangerously. I tried keeping my mouth shut to keep her as calm as possible. I actually prayed to god to get me home safely. Not only has she destroyed my life and health. I don't need this person to kill me just because she's crazy. All I would have to do is say LEAVE! Please get out! How come I can't do it? I don't want her.
One thing to remember is even if you cannot separate from her in a larger sense right now, you don't have to get in the car with her. Please take good care of yourself and do not get in the car with anyone who is impaired!
The question I would ask myself about being unable to leave a person is: what do I fear will happen if they leave? Generally it's not mainly a fear of something external (like, I'll lose my job, I won't have a place to live, etc.). Instead it's a fear of overwhelming emotions. What emotions would you feel if you separated? (I'm asking this for you to think about, not that you have to reply "out loud.") In my case I always wanted to stay with my difficult partner, and I'd fear that if they left I'd be so paralyzed by abandoment that I couldn't cope. I read once that we're given a sense of clinging to our parent so that as small children we don't endanger ourselves. If we're three years old and can't find our mother, we panic and don't stop until we find her again. And people who haven't been nurtured properly in their childhood still have that sense that if their partner leaves them, they'll die. That's the kind of panic I felt.
I know that some other people feel they can't let others down, and so they must never disappoint anyone or make them unhappy, because then they will feel an enormous overwhelming shame, as if they don't deserve to live.
My ex had a mother who would lash out and scream at her kids all the time and terrify them. So he couldn't understand the slightest bit of anger, because it would feel the same to him: like he was a tiny child and his mother hated him and might not protect him and might leave him and he would die.
I wonder if one of these three things is something like what you would feel, or if it's something different entirely?
What's helped me is to realize that I am grown up and that, as Al-Anon says, "Feelings aren't facts." It may feel like I'm going to die, but I am not in any way going to die. I can do just fine without someone who's harmful to my emotional health. Sometimes I have to talk to myself a lot to remind myself of this; sometimes it comes more easily.
Take what you like and leave the rest. And take very good care of yourself!
I don't know if you have read the book Getting them Sober, Toby Rice Drew, it's a big help in dealing with situations like the one you described. It's not a thick book at all, I suggest the book only because I know it's helped a lot of people.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Take a deep breath. Stop and "Think", what do you need to do to take care of you? I think both Mattie and Pushka have very good suggestions. You don't have to make any permanent decisions right now. You can give yourself time to heal and focus, before making any life-changing decisions.
I think the most disasterous decisions that I have made, have been in the throws of emotion. Sometimes we have to seperate ourselves physically for a time to get our heads straight. That doesn't necessarily mean that the seperation is permanent.
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Dear onewholovesrock, your post triggered a memory of a friend (of sorts) that I did a lot of work with in a community theater group many years ago. She had this behavior of lavishing buckets of attention and gifts on everyone she came into contact with---until they were sucked into her "magic spell"----then she would become very annoyed with them, complain loudly to everyone that they were annoying her, and insist that she was "trapped" by them because she would rather die than do anything to make them feel rejected or hurt their feelings. She was constantly in this crazy cycle of rescuing someone then becoming their victim. She seemed to get a lot of attention from each role---admiration for being such a "sweet" rescuer----and a lot of sympathy for her victimhood! She also used each role as convenient excuses for anything she wanted to do/or not do.
One day she dropped over to my house saying that she was so "trapped" and wanted my advice. She was full of tears and saying she was at the end of her rope with her live in boyfriend. She had rescued him and tended to him like a pet----he became "head over heels" over her and wanted to move in with her. She reluctantly agreed but felt that he would be "crushed" if she didn't let him. She said that as soon as he moved in, she found him to be a "control freak" and there was very little about him that she really liked. So, she told him she wanted to break-up. ***BUT, she wanted him not to be angry or upset, or sad, or anything negative. So, each day she went to his workplace at noon and took him flowers and a gift basket---with homebaked muffins, clothing, and gift certificates.
Her question to me was "How did I get into this mess, and how can I get rid of this guy without him being mad at me?
Long story-short: I told her how crazy her behavior was and encouraged her to stop the gifts and get into therapy for herself.
I haven't seen her for several years, but I heard that she was arrested for passing illegal prescriptions and did jail time, and that she is struggling with very active drinking. (I had not known her to take drugs or rarely ever saw her take a drink).
I know this was a very long post (my apologies), but for some reason these memories came flooding back to me.
Any "messages" here, I don't know....
Very sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 10:13:31 AM
You've gotten great responses, OWLR. I'm not sure I can add much - I totally understand because I've been there. I used to feel that way riding in the car with my exAH. I knew I could get out of the situation if I could just open my mouth. But my mouth felt like it was glued shut. I could scream the words in my head but nothing came out that anyone else could hear.
In recovery, you can find your voice. This was a BIG part of my recovery - a part that makes all the time and effort so very worth it. You're on your way - just keep with it.
Mattie, I love the analogy about the 3 year old and panicking when we can't find our mother. My 2 year old does that, so it's behavior I'm very familiar with. I can TOTALLY relate that to my own behavior in particular situations, too - tunnel vision, all-consuming panic at the thought of being left.
It is very common that people will take a crappy relationship over no relationship. I have done it at times... Many factors involved and some listed above. You already asked this same question in your last post. What is the definition of doing the same thing and expecting different results.
In order to get better, you are going to have to go against your first inclinations (which are not healthy by your own definition) and you are going to need to do some things that you feel uncomfortable with.
I was going to suggest you go to f&f meeting, but I see you had been to a meeting, do you have a sponsor? I'm not sure what your issues are, prayer always help me, the serenity prayer is a good place to start, what are the things I can change? Sometime I have to ask Him to show me what I can change, I can allow my mind to get real crazy where I don't know what end is up, but I"ve learned to get real quiet and listen, and He never fail to speak/show me what to do. I've learned He want me to love myself and take real good care of myself, also He loves me and want me to love myself, it gets really sick when I try to love others and can't love myself......With love...Ruby!
Great replies! Thanks everyone. Just to answer a few of your questions. I have already made a decision. I want this over with. I made that decision 2 yrs ago. I just can't get myself to get the job done. What was in my head buying her a car etc. I thought maybe if she had wheels she would leave on her own I think. I don't know why I buy everything else, I hate every second of it but I still do it. I never, ever buy her gifts or anything like that. Oh yeah, I just paid for her hair today. lol. I agree, I better put the car in her name ASAP. I don't think I dislike myself at all. I think I'm a great guy. I definetly don't need to be in a relationship. I love being by myself. I was single for almost three yrs before this. Loved it. How would I feel if we seperated? AMAZING! I have no issues with abandonment. I for some reason don't want to break anybody's heart I quess. And for some reason that's so deep in me I can't get rid of it. All I'm doing is killing her and me. What a horrible combination. I'm with someone who is extremely addicted to relationships and drugs. I believe way more addicted to relationships. And I am the way I am. WOW! Two people that should have never, ever crossed paths. Thanks again, Hangin in there.
"Breaking someone's heart" is a very romantic way to put it, but relationships do break up every day and people move on to more suitable things. Remember that it is never the external thing we're scared of, it's our internal thing -- our emotions in relation to the external thing. So it may be that "I can't stand to break her heart" translates to "I have a hard time with someone who's upset." My ex had a lot of trouble with boundaries (don't we all), and he couldn't stand for anyone to be upset because then he was upset. He wanted everyone to be happy all the time because that's the only time he could be happy. It's like emotions leaked over from everyone into him. (I think I have the opposite problem -- I get upset when others are upset but the happiness seems less contagious!)
Anyway, I think the challenge for many of us is to be okay in ourselves even if other people are upset, drunken, dysfunctional, etc. I wonder if that might not be the challenge for you.
Totally agree with Mattie...Break ups are difficult but necessary. The pain is temporary and people move on and get stronger. People get into adult relationships knowing there are no guarantees on them lasting forever. It may be time to throw out the notion of "not being able to break someone's heart" because it's not logical and it's not suiting you (or her).
I would like you to consider if the life you are living now is happy for her. If you do not want to break her heart... is what you are doing now making her happy with an intact heart?
Every time I have an argument my heart breaks. I am hurt and feel hurt.
I am reading that you may be trying to take the bandaid off slowly so it doesn't hurt as much, but in reality, sometimes one big quick rip hurts less for a lesser amount of time.
I can't really give you much more because for me, the pain of separating from my husband would be way too much to bear for me, just the thought of not having his wonderul times makes me want to cry. Perhaps you are aware that you would feel amazing afterwards, but the pain of actually doing it is hard.
I want to be a size 12 too, and I KNOW I would feel amazing and be healthy and it would be EXCELLENT!!!! but its apparent that the pain of exercising and giving up bread is too much for me at that moment.. the time is approaching however. this size 22 business is getting my down.
Anyway... I was just wondering how much you believed that your current life together is not breaking hearts.
Like Dr. Phil say " if it's working for you, no need to change" I'm beginning to think you are getting some of your needs met, and there is a secondary gain in it for you. Keep going to meeting, but don't get in the car with her if she is under the influence of substances. Good luck and God bless you!....With Love....Ruby!
It's not the substances I'm scared of. She's been sober 3 weeks now. She just flies off the handle. Gets very very angry and act's completly crazy. Nothing I've ever seen before, and I've lived with someone that was bipolar before. She was an angel compared to what I deal with now.
