The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know it has been a while but things have been going on that I can not control. My husband lost his job last week! I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am so thankful for my alanon and higher power during these times. Last night I got very angry at my daughter because she was whining and complaining about her homework. I know that my anger was really for my husband. I apolized to her last night for yelling but was still firm in stating that I was not going to argue with her about the homework. She apologized to and we were ok. She is in first grade and super smart. I feel guilty sometimes because she is so serious and in ways older than 6. I am very thankful for my children and I educated them as much as I can for there age. THey know that on TUesdays mommy goes to meetings and understand they have even been with me a couple of times. I am angry hurt and dissapointed in my husband for getting fired from his 10 year job. (Although according to him he is technicallly suspended and is not yet fired) He helps with the children when I am at work and he helps when I do things. I guess I feel since he is not working he should cook dinner and pick up the house and do homework with our children. I am working two jobs and trying to make ends meet. I am about stressed to the point where I just want to give up and tell him to get out. He actually told me last night I am about to leave and I said that is the best thing you have said all day. After that I didn't argue or say anything I read the kids a bedtime story, watched a movie, then I went to bed. I left a pillow and blanket on the couch for him. We haven't spoken and for know I think its the best thing. I don't want to say something I may regret later. I am just trying to be calm and focus on me and the kids right now.
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 29th of August 2011 08:42:09 AM
Lots of emotions happening, for sure, and the stresses are real.... I really like that you are able to apologize to your daughter when you know you treated her unfairly - I have always tried to do that with my kids as well - we are NOT perfect, and I think it's 100% okay to show them that fact....
As for your hubby - that's a tough one..... First off, you definitely have a "right" to feel all of your feelings - nobody is denying you that.... I guess I would check your motives and/or expectations a bit - yes, it would be nice if your hubby acted and behaved as you think he "should" while he is not working, but I guess it boils down to how unrealistic (and healthy) is it for us to have those types of expectations tied to another person? Seems like a recipe for unmet expectations, and ultimately more resentments...
One option may be to have a discussion with your hubby, and agree to a bit of a list of things that really ARE important during this period of him not working.... It doesn't have to be a long list, but it can be the 3 or 4 key things that you really care about...
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Dear MDK, I think it is good that you have some concern about your daughter. Living in a conflicted environment is soo hard on children. They are little sponges that absorb everything--they are learning how human beings are supposed to relate to each other. what they learn will be carried into their own lives. Children don't understand many of the reasons for what happens around them but they form their feelings about it.
I have always observed that we adults frequently underestimate how much the children are aware of what is going on. I think that we adults are so absorbed with our adult worries and responsibilities that we don't have as much time to focus on the kids as they have to focus on us!
Throughout my marriage I was the one that held the steady job and supported our family and my husband rarely worked. I too thought that with him not working that as a partner, he should help out around the house. He didn't and I just did it all. I wasn't being healthy about it and became very resentful very fast.
It took me many years to learn to not speak when I was angry or otherwise unable to control what I was saying. I was the type that when I was angry I usually said things that I didn't mean or I said things that I did mean, but the way I said it wasn't the best way to say it. There was one night I came home and he had been sleeping all day and I all I wanted to do was relax after a really stressful day at work. I was hoping dinner would be done and he could spend time with our kids so I could take a nice hot shower and just get my head in check, but he stayed in bed. I brought him dinner and I just got so angry that I kicked him out. Looking back at it I should have not brought him dinner or asked him for some time to talk about what I was feeling. I didn't really want him to go, but I was just fed up. And because of the way I handled that I had doubts about if ending the marriage was the right thing to do.
A very wise woman once told me that nothing is opened in error more times than the mouth. That saying and remembering to T.H.I.N.K. before I speak has helped me to not get into so much trouble when I am working thought my feelings.
I ended up taking my husband back after asking him to leave that time. I tried using my alanon with the marriage, but due to the nature of his disease I thought it was best to ask him to leave again. It was different the last time I asked him to leave, because I was different. I handled it differently and this time I didn't have any doubts because I handled myself rationally.
That's just where I was and part of my journey.
Tom is right, your feelings are yours and you have every right to feel them. Keep taking care of you and you will know when you are in the right place to talk to your husband.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thank you for the share, I will put you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs P
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
