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I had a long phone conversation with my sister and she was bemoaning many things about our mother. This made me think of the many discussions here on the board.
My sister is under the impression that her personality bears no similarity to that of our mother. WRONG. I see soo many characteristics that they share. To me, these are very clearly apparent!!
When I gently suggested that she might be like my mom---she recieved this news as if I had said that she has a third eye on her forehead. !??
I am just so amazed that she doesn't see it at all. This brings to mind that we just don't see ourselves as others see us so much of the time. I guess we all have our own blind spots about our behavior.
I just felt moved to share this thought for Monday morning.
By the way.....I am absolutely NOTHING like either of them...really (LOL)
I have observed this in others as well as myself. My mother had a personality disorder. Consequently, I picked up some unhealthy ways to navigate my life as a child. When I first discovered that, yes, I had some of her ways, it was a bitter pill to swallow.
But facing this fact helped me (with the help of my then counselor) I learned new, healthier ways in which to live.
Even now, I do see a little of my mother in me today. I've accepted myself for who I am. The more I do, the more able I am to change what I can and do want to change.
Make sense?
Thanks on the opportunity for me to reflect on my growth. Forever growing
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
LOL .. Otie thank you for the post. Wouldn't it be nice to have a truth mirror about ourselves? Go look and have it say ok .. did you see this today? Let's talk about where that came from. That's what I like about therapy and alanon you only have to be honest, open and willing to allow things to start changing even about ourselves. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
A few years ago one of my sisters was pounding on me trying to get me to agree that her side of the arguement was right - I finally had enough and just stood up and stated that I just didn't find the subject worth discussing it to such great lengths and left the room. The next morning she apologized and out of my mouth came something I hadn't even ever thought actively before - "That's alright, you argue like Dad did, he just kept pushing until you agreed with him" (you agreed with him to shut him up and stop the arguement, not because he'd convinced you and changed your mind). I"m not sure what she took from that statement but since then I've seen the same behavior from two other sisters. Out of five kids, three argue like dad, the other two of us, I assume, give in like mom did just to avoid the arguement.
We can't help it, we are products of our childhood, I'm sure in some ways I mirror my father's personality, mom in other ways, a favorite relative in others as well - we can work to not mirror what we perceive as negative traits, but they have to be recognized first.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I can identify with your sister---- I intentionally did everything Opposite to my Mother thinking "I would be different" Not so I was just the flip side to the same coin.
I know I lived in a great deal of denial and pretend before alanon I thought that those tools were genuine and were tools used by my entire family. Arriving in alanon and being asked to "Examine my Motives" opened up a whole new awareness for me
My actions appeared noble and kind, my motives were to manipulate, force my will and look good . What a difficult thing for me to see and acknowledge I am so grateful that I did I was then on the road to developing alanon tools that enabled me to treat everyone with honest motives of respect, and have serenity, courage and wisdom in my actions. Living by principles above personalities (even my own) was/is such a gift
Alanon did enable me to finally see myself and change waht did not work for me.
Otie-what a thought! My mother and I eventually became very close and were the best of friends. But there were a few years there when I was young that we couldn't spend any time together without anger, arguments, etc. I used to blame her until I realized the problem was that we were so much alike! Wow, talk about a lightbulb moment. I've also believed that my sister and I are completely different. And while we do have many differences, your thought got me thinking about the things we have in common due to growing up in the same family. (Although I'd bet money that if I told her she would disagree.) Thanks for a thought provoking share.
This reminds me of the sign that I found, bought and hung in my hallway. I bought it to remind ME to be anything BUT similar to my Mom....
My Mom saw it and promptly got mad because she thought it was an insult directed at her from me, because it was displayed!.... without even asking me why I bought it in the first place!
it read:
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall....I am my Mother, After All!
~!~
-- Edited by lacewing on Wednesday 24th of August 2011 01:21:51 AM
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
I had a long phone conversation with my sister and she was bemoaning many things about our mother. This made me think of the many discussions here on the board.
