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I set a boundary that I didn't feel healthy living with an active A in my house with our very young son. I said if my AH started again then I was done, as in the D word.
This was 2 1/2 months ago and now he's back at it, although still clearly in denial. He's now begging, saying he'll go to AA meetings (yup heard it all before). Yesterday I caught him red handed taking a swig from a 1/2 pint of vodka in our kitchen then trying to shove it in his pocket quickly. He claims it was his first slip up in 12 months but at this point I don't even believe that because that's what they do, LIE.
backstory: I had asked him to leave and he was out of the house for almost 15 months before he 'appeared' to have been sober for almost 10 months and moved back in 2 1/2 months ago, so I KNOW I can do this on my own...
But somehow at this point I feel like I'm done, I've tried all I could and that I don't want to give my life to this unhealthy path. I feel like I deserve better and I'm worth it. No more manipulation,lying and hiding, thank you very much.
My major fear (yup, I'm going to F2F and working on my fears) is how my son will fair through all this. He's only 2 and can't really communicate for himself. My AH doesn't have a single thing on record (expect he went to rehab) that prove he's an A. ( I can say that because he says he is). So in the state that I live in that means 50/50 visitation rights.
excuse my rambling here, but part of me wants to wait it out for the 'xxxx' to hit the fan and for me to call the cops or him to get a DUI before I start the D process so at least I'd have ammunition to get full custody of my son.
Someone please tell me how you did it?! (Or didn't; I like hearing both)
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 17th of August 2011 05:50:41 PM
I would strongly advise against staying in it and waiting for it to hit the fan. Your son is young enough to not be greatly affected by the split and it is possible your AH won't even pursue consistent visitation. But you should talk to an attorney or legal aid about your concerns and fears and see what they say. I am no longer a believer in staying for the sake of the children. My grown kids said that the would have rather we divorced than fight all the time around them growing up. Sad, but true. And there may be some options such as a social services evaluation/interview to address your concerns too.
AS an Adult Child, I would have much preferred my parents divorced. IN fact, I used to beg my Mum... please.. lets just go. Then she woudl utter those words.. you would be better off here wiht your Dad.. I hated when she said that. My MUm escaped overseas at one point.. me the little 3 year old, begged that I missed my Daddy... she went back home and never left again. She made a decision based on the wants of a 3 year old. I wish I had never said those words.
Don't base your decisions for your child because you think he will feel sad without his Dad. He may feel more sad WITH his Dad.
50/50 is better than 100
If you wait for the proverbial to hit the fan, then you are actually waiting for more damage to be done before you fix it. Kinda like.. yeah the car radiator has a leak..I will wait for all the water to drain out it will blow up and then I can fix it.
This is just my experience, not advice. Take what you like and leave the rest
At least you know what you will and won't put up with, good for you. I agree get yourself educated it doesn't hurt to ask what your rights are or what kind of documentation you need. I have a file. it makes me feel better knowing I have it I hope I never have to use it it's still there.
You know exactly what your situation is and as far as your son. He won't remember and maybe this will be what your A needs to really get sober for himself.
The best thing you can do for your son is not bad mouth the A. it's not always the easiest road to take, it's worth the long time gain for the kids.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I cannot give you advice because I cannot know what it like to walk a mile in your own shoes. I can however assure you that there is hope in every active alcoholic situation.
My experience has been being an active member in Alanon working the steps with a sponsor that I can be happy joyous and free regardless if the alcoholic drinks or not. I have found that by focusing on myself, working the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings, and living one day at a time that I was able to uncover and discover reasons why I chose to stay. I make that decision on a daily basis.
For me working the steps and traditions of alanon in my relationships has changed them profoundly. There is a great depth of love in my home. Rare is the occassion for fights and battles for which no one surrendered. Laughter and joy erupts frequently despite the alcoholic not finding recovery.
Failure is an event, not a person. I truly believe that. When I took a step back and kept an open mind, I began to find help. I found my answers by asking another member in Alanon to be my sponsor which began a worth while journey and discovery for which I would not change any of the circumstances that brought me into the rooms of Alanon. I am forever grateful.
Hugs to you! Your story sounds similar to mine. I am on my third week with my AH out of the house for similar reasons. He had a DWI almost a year ago, then rehab, then god knows how many relapses, blatant lies, and lots of shattered dreams...
Finally I realized, I did not want to sit by and watch him hit bottom! I had been through HELL and he was still drinking...it was baffling to me. So clearly he hasn't hit HIS bottom, but I had. I also have 2 small kids and was guilty beyond words about being the one to break up the family.
The way I am handling it is that he has moved in to his own place and we are going to "see what happens" and re-assess in a few months. He comes here and sees the kids while I go to meetings. We have not told the children--they think he is working late (an advantage of the kids being young) But I cannot hide the truth forever and honestly. So we worked this out together w/o a lawyer because in general we can talk and get along. I had talked to a counselor about things to get an idea and may or may not see a lawyer in the next weeks. Right now, we have it worked out. I haven't allowed him to drive with the kids in the car for almost 8 months...he admits he cannot even trust himself so that makes it easy. I read one website that said if the parent shows up and you suspect he is drunk, to call the police and they will give a breath-test. Then everything is documented. If he takes off or refuses, that is documented too.
The fear kept me from following through with separating for SO long because I didn't trust myself. Now I do and it is so much better. He can work on his recovery or not, it is his choice--but for now, I got off the roller coaster and can focus more easily on my recovery and my kids. It sounds like, since you have separated before, that you do not need to be afraid.
I am not sure if that helps...a lawyer may be able to just set your mind at ease. Once your fears dissolve it will all seem easier.
excuse my rambling here, but part of me wants to wait it out for the s*it to hit the fan and for me to call the cops or him to get a DUI before I start the D process so at least I'd have ammunition to get full custody of my son.
I was married for 36 years. The stuff didn't hit the fan until "after" our sons were in their late 20s/early 30s. By hitting the fan, I mean he got two DUI's within a 3-year time frame. So nothing was officially on file anywhere during our sons' growing up years.
Unfortunately, I didn't learn that my ex had driven (quite frequently) while drinking with out 2 sons in his truck as they headed for the moutains for a little fishing and camping. He also drank while operating his boat. Our sons never said anything to me until they were adults. I was oblivous. I knew he drank, and drank more than was healthy. However, I never thought he'd drink and drive. But, oh yes, he certainly did.
In hindsight, I would never trust an active alcoholic to care for children. Our older son once told me that he'd never allow his future children (he just got married 2 months ago) alone with his dad, let alone drive in the car with him. (His dad is in recovery now - but I'm not certain that would change our son's decision due to his experiences as a child.)
Can you document his drinking for the purpose of gaining full custody? I'm no expert on this matter. In my profession, documentation is crucial.
Others will come along and offer more info.
Take care of you and your young child!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
My son was two years and 11 months old when my AH moved out. He is now ten and he doesn't even remember that his dad ever lived here. Because his dad is a binge drinker, he does have long periods of sobriety (followed by long periods of total drunkenness). But anyway, this means that I've been able to let them see each other under controlled conditions all this time. His dad moved one block away so he walks over to see our son, they walk to the local pizza parlor another block over, etc. In fact that's where they are right now. I thought having it all achievable by walking would be good just in case my AH started the next binge and I hadn't caught on yet. I know I'm in a lucky situation with things being walkable.
My divorce lawyer was a huge help in letting me know how to set up custody to protect our son. A lawyer who's had experience with this knows what the court needs to know to make the right decision. So the first thing to do would be to ask around to see who the right lawyers are.
Although I did a lot of things wrong along the way, one thing I did the Al-Anon way was to separate calmly rather than in the middle of a screaming fight. He was out of town and so I sent him an email saying "I think we know this is not working out, and I'm going to ask you to move out on [date]. I am not angry and I hope we can move forward to make a good life for [son]." Of course I was angry, but I meant that I was not in a rage and was not going to hurl accusations at him. It also helped that he is not a vindictive person, which is not always the case with everybody, of course. I said calmly, "I have concerns about your drinking and I'm going to do whatever's necessary to protect [son], so I'm going to set up custody with that in mind." He does know that I would go to the ends of the earth to make sure our son is not endangered, so he didn't protest the set-up.
That's not to say he pays child support, because after all he's an alcoholic and a down-and-out and basically can't handle life. If I were fiercer, I'd go after the child support. As it is, though, not being adversarial has paid dividends in our situation. Our son shows no signs of being traumatized by our divorce. And my ex has actually saved my bacon on a couple of occasions. For instance, once I was out of town and he went over to check the house for me and found that a sewer line had burst and the basement was full of sewage. He actually handled it, called the city, got the situation fixed up, and cleaned the whole basement of sewage by himself. Whenever I feel furious at the many genuinely appalling things he's done because of his alcoholism, I think, "Well, he did clean the sewage out of the basement!" That seems a fitting way to try to make amends!
I got off topic, but what I really wanted to say is that a lawyer can help advise, and that proceeding calmly has paid off for me. Hugs.
I am with Tommyecat, and Maresie here. You can make a plan and you can stay just for today. Take it one day at a time. Alanon says in the beginning of every meeting, that without the spiritual program of alanon, it is hard to live with an active A. With the program, it is possible. Go to meetings, read Getting Them Sober. Read Alanon literature like One day at a time in alanon page for July 14. Courage to change... ALso find the pod casts online at XA Speakers (Google xa speakers alanon) and you can hear some great E S & H on what others did and how long they have been in alanon and their A met them in recovery. It was suggested to me to work the steps with my sponsor and be in alanon at least a year before I made a decision to leave. I have been in and out of alanon for a year, so I re-started my count in April. I have heard it said that some waited the year and then because of their maturity in program, waited another year and their A started AA for real. I am not saying you should, or advising. That is not what we do in alanon. We are not advice givers. You have to do what feels right for you. Taking your time to make that decision is something that was suggested to me. I never took my time to make any decision before alanon, now I am. I have learned to NOT REACT and to REMAIN CALM. I give it over to HP daily and I ask for strength each morning. Changed attitudes in me, changes attitudes in my house. I let it begin with me... and I let go and let God. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I agree with most that you should consult a family law attorney, and find a good one. I am in a similar situation and am documenting everything (how much time he spends with our young children, when he is drunk, things he has done that have endangered the kids). I don't think I'd say I am lucky, but my AH was arrested last spring for being intoxicated at a public location, with our at the time 5 year old. That makes me very sad as she was fully aware that he was drunk and still remembers it. I also agree with Sookie that if it gets to that and you have to allow him visitation, call the police if you suspect he is intoxicated. I would suggest telling him that you will do that if he arrives in that condition, but be sure that you do follow through with that.
I actually work for an attorney (not family law but he has some experience with that) and am discussing this exact topic with him tomorrow morning. I can pass the information along if he has anything helpful to say.
