The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Don't be hard on yourself, look at all you've achieved this week, you're doing great. Relapse is part of our recovery too. Learn from it and move on.
My A is my son. He would hide his bottles, in many different places, (yes I searched and found them, not all of them because I didnt have the time to follow him to his external hiding places away from the home, if I did have the time I'd probably have done that too) I couldn't begin my day properly until I'd done my check, I would mark each day how far down the bottle he had drunk but of course that was only the ones at home. When he came home and passed out I would toss and turn all night working on my confrontation and he would wake up and politely impart his lies in answer, he's a very polite guy my son.........and then go off again and do what addicts do. I was obsessed and didn't know I was obsessed.........I did this for too many years until the bottles became too many and emptied faster than I could keep up with. I crashed and burned, he is still drinking and sicker than sick.
Im working it a day at a time......detachment, boundaries......I relapse, I learn, progress not perfection!
The fear & obsession have gone....didn't happen overnight but I wanted recovery and found it in Al-anon. I work hard every day to maintain it because I've learned it works if I work it......practice practice practice.
I keep trying and I remember I have to practice practice practice. And call my sponsor and go to meetings.... having someone to call helps so much... You can't expect to be all better in just a few days. it took time to get sick, it will take time to get better. Time, patience, acceptance... If you get a chance listen to those pod casts I shared with you. Mary Pearl... oh so good!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I want to qualify my earlier statements which were made in haste and a bit of a flurry in my mind.
I really didn't want to want to check.. if you get what I mean. I want, to not want to check.
I refused to even go into our bedroom where the drawer is after work because I did NOT WANT TO KNOW then he came home and we were talking and he walked past the drawer and I immediately saw that he had been in it.
I tried to avert my eyes.. felt rather biblical.. but it was too late, I had seen it.
Again.... I had to bait... You look tired I say. He replies, yes I feel tired. I say what did you smoke today to make you tired like that. I put a giggle in my voice (I know that is my illness talking) and he giggles a reply.. haha nah not that. And goes for a shower
A fortnight ago I would have followed him into the shower and baited more adn talked about it more and pushed my point. I didn't. I felt good about that. I spent a moment standing next tothe drawer adn looking at it.. then it happened. Ilooked and checked again.
I hated myself straight after it. Damn it... why did I do that????? Because he had lied!!!!! Theres a shocker for ya.. an addict has lied!!!!!!
He gets out the shower adn I say, Babe when you said that smoke didn't make you tired was that because you didn't smoke, or because what you smoked didn't make you tired.
He hesitated. He sounded very shy and quiet and said that he smoked the passionflower again. I looked at him and he was almost wincing. I saw shame in his eyes. (this happened after I put that first post up) He looked at me like a lost little boy who had peed in his pants and was telling mum. He knew he shouldn't have today with whats going on. He knew it is not a good sign for him. I think he was disappointed in himself, and was waiting for me to condem him. My eyes and face may have said I was disappointed.
You know what I did... I gave him a kiss and changed the subject.
You know what else.. my brain isn't screaming and my stomach isn't turning. I am not thinking what bank account has enough in it cos I am outa here buddy cos you are obviously a freaking loser.
My brain is still spinning a bit. But I am mostly thinking about.. WHY did I look, not why did he smoke
He smoked beause his addiction is getting worse. These past two months or so have been slowly increasing.
We went about our night (he had to have a legal meeting, not about drugs or anything), and we had a good night.
Several times i wanted to discuss what has been happening on the smoke front and I didn't. I jsut thought.. to what end.. so I can get my hopes up again and have them dashed like he/I have done for the past year.
A fortnight ago, I would have had 'the discussion' and pointed out all the defects that he was showing and what he should do about them. Tonight I am more worried about me and my reaction. I think the fact he told me the truth to quesitnoing helped, but I want, to not want to know.. does that make sense?
So yeah, practice practice practice.
I am really questioning WHY I did something, instead of why HE did something to upset me
Maybe I have accepted i am married to an addict, now I just have to work out how I am going to live with that peacefully within me, or leave maybe one day, but not today.
Someone said to me early in my recovery to not ask questions for which I know the answer to. It really helped me because I was able to focus more on myself and what I wanted to do rather that sink further down into the spiral of thoughts when I found out what I knew to be true already.
Linda, I know you keep saying you can't get to meetings right now. But I know that is the ONLY thing that has helped me to start getting better and stop asking questions I know the answer to. When you are ready, you will go. I was crawling into that meeting room when I got there (figuritively...) I was so lost, I had no idea what other thing I would see my A do... my tolerance was so high... Keep coming. HUGS
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hang in there. It is hard at the beginning, but it gets better with time. Before Alanon, I did many things that were not appropriate. I broke all the rules because I did not know better. Once I joined this wonderful group, I learned differently. It took some time to grasp. Doing better one day at a time. Been there and done that! Keep practicing and it will become second nature to you.
Hang in there, you're getting it. In time, we all realize that we cannot go to the addict for reassurance that he or she is not drinking/using. It just doesn't work. I really believed that my AH wanted to be honest with me about it. He simply never could, and it wasn't personal - it was because addicition is a disease of shame and secrecy. It does not want to be honest, it wants to lie.
Asking myself, does knowing the answer change anything, really helps. Does knowing if my AH drank change the fact that he either did or didn't? Does my day automatically have to suck if he did? Do I have to pick a fight if he did? Does picking a fight change anything?
Just a thought in addition to the great ESH you already received. I think I would be very troubled by the presence of the addicting substance (in my H's case it was alcohol) in my very own bedroom. Especially if I was already struggling with an obsession to check whether he has been into the substance (in your case, the "pot drawer") or not. How can you even sleep in the same room as the "dreaded drawer"? Could you ask him to relocate his pot? It doesn't make everything better and won't cure your obsession over night, but would it make it easier for you to sleep? It just seems like a bit of an invasion for the substance that is tearing you apart to be in the most intimate place in your home.
I used to look for bottles until I got sick of it. Finally I knew what the answer would be. It always was the same answer. I got tired of it. So I was able to quit my expectation of something different.
Linda - you truly are a work in progress and have made great strides. I am impressed with your ability to not nag, attack, and bait. I too have that problem and it only leads to more hurt and chaos. I think you are really understanding what you have to do for your peace. And responding to your spouse with a kiss was so heartwarming. I am not quite there most of the time and know I need to be. The F2F meeting I went to last week had a reading from CTC about being the type of person I would want to be with, meaning changing myself. It hit me hard because I often respond in a way that is negative and certainly not what I would want to live with given the choice. When I did respond lovingly this weekend, I got lovingly back and it felt good. Keep up the good work.
These are all the things that went through my head .. right before I checked ahhh hahahaha
I think I am changing I think I am improving.
In answer to the pot in the bedroom. i considered once asking if he would move it so I didn't know where it was... I know thought that woudl just spark off a major search of the house, which I have done before, looking for 'other' spots.
It does not interrupt my sleep. He isn't about to have a cone right when I am in bed with him.
If healthy detachment is seperating the man and addiction, then I think I am kinda doing that.
If healthy detachment is stopping 'the discussions' about it while laying in bed and trying to compromise and appeal to his sense of 'right', getting a commitment from the man that the addiction can't keep, then I am kinda doing it. I feel such sadness that he is again a full on relapsed addict, but I can't do anything about that.
I do love him, he is pretty awesome, I hate his addiction.
Yeeeessss youfoundme,,,, I can hear you singing out in frustration... you are KINDA doin it, get toa meeting and do REALLY do it!!!!!
I don't know, both roads are hard right now.