The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling two things quite strongly which Iwould like education on from you guys.
1. Grief. I feel like crying alot. I feel I have lost something. Maybe it is the giving away of my control, maybe it is the realisation that I am married to an addict.... again...
I want to cry because I feel it is not my fault, I can't do anything about it, I have no control over it and that makes me very sad, its not my fault but why do I seem to suffer the anguish. Soemone commented on my thoughts that I believe if he loved me enough, he would stop. I do believe that. My Dad stopped because he didn't want to hurt Mum or his family anymore. I know my husband is not deliberately hurting me, but it feels so very hurtful when he smokes and he knows I don't like it.
Now I am crying.. thats what I mean by I feel grief. I was so proud of him when he stopped smoking. I have lost that feeling of pride when I look at him. He has gone back to doing the very thing he said he didn't want in his life anymore.
2. Resentment. The grief turns to anger. He can do whatever the hell he likes when he likes. INtellectually I know this not to be true, but in my feelings, it feels to be true. Basically, he smokes when he wants no matter what. so I sometimes think.. stuff ya.. I want to find something that you hate me doing and make sure I do it around you constantly!!!!!
I want you to know what it feels like. I could do seomthing during the day and not tell you. Keep the secrets and then hey, why not, lie to you about it when you ask.
Good enough for the goose, good enough for the gander.
Destructive horrible feelings and thoughts. I could go and have an affair, I have done it before,I could do it again. something that would really tick you off.
I feel resentment toward my Dad, my Mum, my past partners and now to my current husband.
I 'get' the 3c's. I get the change in perception will change reality. Intellectually I understand all of that. Is it usual to feel grief and resentment at this stage?????
I don't know how to acurately articulate what I am feeling today. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to smile or 'put on a happy face' at work or home. I would like the world to stop turning for a little while.
I thought I was supposed to be happy in these early days. Honeymoon period and all that.
Wow! Can really relate to this one. My husband continues to go in and out of sobriety, when he falls he never ever comes to me first, it always has to be discovered hidden by a mountain of lies. My AH's range of lies go from the benign to things that are truly damaging. Get to a meeting, talk it out, it has helped me to understand they don't lie to YOU, they LIE to themselves, you just happen to be the one who sees it. They lie because they are sick, they lie because they are afraid, they lie because they don't know how else to be, their shame and guilt are overwhelming.
I have often thought the same thing as you, why shouldn't I hide things, lie, etc. Because that's not who I am. Keep your head up, sometimes the change in you takes time (forget about changing him), be forgiving of yourself, work on yourself, he will either get better or he won't, you have a choice every day to stay or go. Much support your way, you are not alone.
I find that when I operate out of my own highest integrity, I am more able to deal with my own situation with my A on a day to day basis. Yes, I could get back at him, however what's the point outside of proving how right I am and how hurtful he is? Is there any good that will durive from that stance? Since I already know this to be true in my own mind it makes not taking it personally so much easier. Building my own self esteem, my relationship with my HP, fixing me is so much more important than tearing him down. He has enough of his own issues to deal with and reality is slapping him in the face on a lot of levels. I prefer to know my HP understands and is carrying us both to a better place vs holding on to expectations that my A just doesn't have in him to give. A lovely person at a meeting said "Expectations are premeditated resentments." I love those words because I can really get real with myself and figure out what my motives are and what truly are my issues to deal with.
Let go and let God is really what I'm trying to apply in my day to day living.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Linda - I can most definately understand the intense grief felt at seeing all your dreams smashing apart because of some stupid thing like ________ (insert the addiction here). I was only married for 3 years; this was my second marriage, a dream come true and I was SO happy at first because he seemed so perfect for me. I have cried so much and so hard I thought I was going to have a stroke or heart attack it hurt so deeply; it is truly scary to hear deep groaning sobs coming out of deep inside yourself, muffling with a pillow, trying to stop it but not able to - truly heartbreaking. For me, it is very much a death - death of the dream of growing old together walking the paths of life hand in hand, in that dream one person isn't supposed to wander off to have a drink or a smoke, leaving you to walk the path alone while he parties with his buddies who never complain about the attention he gives his addiction while ignoring your feelings. And resentment? What about being left on that path alone because he chooses the addiction over you wouldn't cause resentment?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
The only thing thats helping me, and if you see my post today you will see it, is me having a sponsor to call. Having that phone number of a person that knows just what to say to talk me out of my proverbial tree...help me swim to shore so to speak... She is my number one tool. You keep doing this alone, and this is hard... you have this great board, which is so helpful, but a sponsor is something that nothing else can replace. If you can get yourself to a meeting this week. See what its like, give it a try... it is suggested to try 6 in a row and if you don't like it, the people at the meeting will return your misery, no questions asked... no receipt needed.... Coming here is awesome! I just think if you want more, you will find it at meetings and they will give you the antidote to your grief... and resentment. HUGS! Keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Letting go was tremendously hard for me. I had to stop checking up on the ex A. I had to stop giving up my entire time to obsessing about him.
Addiction is everywhere. I'm not sure that there is an escape from it. At the same time I have to put some big big boundaries up about how many addicts I allow in, when and how.
The three C's are a real challenge. The fact you are willing to look at them is incredible.
What I have heard from you is that is not an unusual place to be in.
I appreciate all that you guys have to say about going to a meeting.
At this point in time this board is all that I have. If I am posting too much, or being annoying, or going against the guidelines of the board, please someone tell me and I will adapt to what the general accepted rules are.
At this point in time I am getting so much from this board.
If what I am feeling is what you guys have all felt, and you have all dealt with it, then I can too.
How to go on loving someone that we resent AT TIMES I guess. I would love to be able to earmark these things to be able to return to so I don't have to just try to remember them all the time hehehe.
