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I feel like vomiting a little bit right now. I knew I would have the opportunity to try out my new 'healthy detachment' and I guess its natural that i would feel this anxiety.
today is Sunday. A few days back I asked for help on how to handle today. It was about going fishing.
Yesterday i said to him, You can't decide if you are fishing or not, or what you are doing so I have decided i am going to the shops and getting a massage and buying some shoes and doing some stuff.
He said, yeah I am not sure what I want to do. I said, well, I can't be undecided until the last minute so I know what I am doing.
this morning, sunday, we both slept in, rather unusually, till 10am. I said well I am gonna get up and get ready to get to the shops. He says I guess we better???? I'm like, "are you coming with me?" He says he may as well. No dramas to me, I was gonna go either way. I can see in his eyes he wants a smoke. He was gonna have it no matter what today. He knew better than to have one before going to the shops wit me tho.
So we had a nice day. Come about 230 he is wanting to get home. I knew why. I had a few more things I wanted to do and I was going to do them. We got home about 330pm.
Here is where I knew I would be able to practice.
As soon as we walk in the door, like within 5 minutes, he says, I might have a smoke. I said "I knew thats why you wanted to come home" He reckons it wasn't, he needed the toilet. I just smiled. I said, "Well it aint exactly a shocker that you are going to have a smoke is it"
And here is what I would normally never have done... I gave him a kiss and walked away.
I felt that I wasn't supportive of him smoking, I didn't say, whatever you want to do honey, I didn't try to talk him out of it, I didn't say.. you do know you have been smoking at least twice a week for the past 7 weeks!!!! This is the 7th weekend in a row you ahve been stoned!!!!
All those I would have said. Instead, they screamed in my head but did not make it past my lips. What good would they have done being spoken alound AGAIN
He went to the loo, put on the Webber downstairs (chicken.. yummy, not sure what a webber is called in America sorry.. maybe the same) and then came up stairs and had a smoke. He didn't say anything else to me about it. I didn't say anything else to him about it. I sat here on teh computer reading posts and looking at ebay. He sat on our balcany off our bedroom. I could hear the lighter flicking on and off. I am not sure what to call the emotion I was feeling. He came and asked me if I wanted a drink, I declined (I still couldn't look at him). He immediately went downstairs to start doing work around the house. He is being industrious at least.
I didn't look at him, I didn't comment. This is alllll very new to me. Accepting the loss of control is making me feel ill. Accepting that he is stoned when I am at home makes me feel like I have taken a step back for womens liberation about 100 years. Does anyone understand that comment/feeling????? I feel like I am a subservient. Maybe that is my own illness??? He is lording it over me with.. look.. I will do this regardless of what you think. See what I can do. That is what I hate most about it. He is not doing as he is told (hehehehehehehe.. that last bit was to lighten to mood a little). I doubt this is what is going on in his head. He is just a stubborn addicted smoker who doesn't want to admit it has got him by the boo boo's again after 3 1/2 years of being free of it. He has been back smoking for nearly a year. Unfortunately our wedding anniversary will be the first anniversary of our wedding and of his relapse.
Then I feela bit crazy. I have a very sexy man downstairs cooking my dinner, fixing up a set of shade sails I want up on our build in granny flat, he got me flowers and bought me lunch.... and he is stoned. I could go and help him with the work, but I am chosing to sit here and write on this board, then I will read a book and maybe have a spa. And do you know what, he won't complain one bit. He is off doing his thing happy as a pig in the proverbial. If he weren't stoned, I would go and help him.
So I really don't know if I have done well, half well, or totally stuffed up. I do not know how I feel. I can't put words to it. I feel a bit numb actually. Stunned maybe. But I don't have my cats arse lips on , I don't feel like I want to (insert expletive) well kill him, I don't feel like I never want to talk to him again and that he has ruined a good weekend. I was planned for my Sunday to be whatever I want, regardless of what he did and I am doing that. he just chose to spend the first half of it with me.
In my deepest soul I wish he would stop. If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets in the sea.
I think you did a fabulous job of handling the whole day and should be quite proud of yourself. Having grown up in the days of women's liberation I can tell you, that you absolutly did not take a step backwards for women. While it may have felt a little strange to be doing something different than what you would normally do ( all the things that don't work anyway right?) you were the one who called the shots the whole day with your behavior. Yes he may have gotten stoned anyway but you chose not to react in the same ole way and to take care of you! I just think you did a wonderful job! Keep workin it girl ! You sound like a fast learner and soon your actions will just come natural. Way to work it Blessings
Linda your posts are such fun to read because you use colorful Australian phrases that are new to me. Your personality shines through so keep on writing please! It's one way you're taking care of yourself. The more you focus on you the less you'll obsess over what your stoner husband is or isn't doing. What a feeling that is.
Just last week after acting like a raging, insane demon possessed lunatic after discovering my H with a pot pipe in his hand, I realized that I was making MYSELF crazy. If he smokes, oh well, if he drinks, oh well, if his eyes are pinpoints from opiate type prescription med use, oh well. I can be happy ANYWAY!!! What a joy and relief THAT is.
Today is my tenth day of recovery and it feels oh so good. Last night out of the blue my H lied to me about something to do with smoking dope. I didn't have the slightest desire to challenge him so I didn't! I just let his lie float away into the beautiful night that it was and continued enjoying myself. In the past I would have ruined the evening by calling him a liar and we would've gone into an idiotic fight. But guess what? I don't have to do that anymore! That compulsion is gone. You can get there Linda. Keep doing what you're doing. Therapy, f2f meetings and at last this web site where miracles happen got me here. Sending you a big old American bear hug of pride in your progress.
Change isn't easy - but very possible. Keep on keepin' on. You're doing well.
Practice keeping the focus on you - he will do what he will do. You can't change him. (This is coming from a woman who tried to change her alcoholic husband for 26 of her 36 year marriage; don't be stubborn like she and waste precious time). When we say you can't control it, believe it. I think you do by now.
Good work! Keep coming back.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Progress not perfection you are doing the best you can do and it sounds to me like you did an amazing job. :) It's hard to change behaviors that did not just happen over night it's like wishing away 20 lbs that took 5 years to put on in one evening. I don't care what the infomercials say it's just not going to happen over night and it's going to take a lot of work which you are doing.
It will get easier, you have to work at any program for it to really work. Once again YOU are a MIP :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Lasthope, was it the cats arse lips expression that is new to you??? Hehehehe.. its a good one hey
Xeno59, thankyou for saying I am not taking womans lib backwards. I was thinking about it afterwards and I reckon it may be a left over from my Mum. A strong woman wit a long history of abuse. She always said, "Don't let the Bas****ds get away with anything". She was married to an Alcoholic and hated him for a long time. I loved my Dad when he was drunk because I was his friend and I think I may have a conditioned response to be told not to love anyone, or give friendship to anyone in a loving way, if they are not doing what we think is right. Mum used to tell me and Dad off something awful when Dad and I spent time together when he was drunk and I was a child.
That may be where that came from. To be a 'real woman' I have to ostracise (is that how it is spelled)/mental castrate?????? the man for being (insert behaviour) drunk, stoned etc.
Wow.. what if my Mum was wrong?????? Even once she was in Al Anon she was dealing wit a Dry Drunk. To me it looked like she was then putting up with bad behaviour becasue he wasn't drinking.....
hhhmmmmm..... food for thought.
BTW, when I went downstairs for a swim, he had also put a washing on... and the chicken was delicious. The only thing I had to do all night was the dishes
My fiance is much like yours, he does things around the house, he cooks, cleans, watches my son while I work etc. Things are actually really good and he isn't grumpy or what not. I love a man that just happens to be an addict/alcoholic. Lately its just alcohol. I don't hate him for his disease. I have to keep working on my program though or I will fall. Thats why I have to go to meetings, come here, call my sponsor and talk with others here privately and people after meetings. I see what you are saying from your childhood. So you have to ask yourself what your part in the madness is. Someone here aske me recently, what am I surrendering to when I begin to get upset that he picked up a drink again? What was my part... Keep coming, I hope you can make it to a real time meeting, I think you will see how much more you can learn by being there in person and find a person to call... HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Linda, I completely understand what you're saying about the women's lib. I feel that way about my husband and his choice to drink despite how I've appealed to him to stop hiding it, etc. He basically used this phrase once, "I'm not going to be a guy whose balls are in his wife's purse." OK: so there you have it. That's when I decided to wash my hands of his issue completely. I was totally ticked off and ready to scream something like, "Hey, I just want our marriage to flourish. I want you to know that I care about what you're doing to yourself and your body." But, I didn't. I just nodded and realized right then and there that he's going to do what he's going to do so why bother to talk about it. It just creates more turmoil and tension in our marriage.
He is currently in therapy, getting medication for depression and anxiety, and I'm really hoping that some day he'll decide to quit drinking. Hugs to you!
So much food for thought in your post. I have been thinking about that concept of "I am letting him get away with it." I had that thought about my A drinking and staying in the relationship with him. My thought is that we can't control them (if we could, we would have accomplished it by now), but we can draw a boundary, if we choose, about how much we are around their addiction. For instance, I could say to my AH, "Your drinking disturbs me so much that I can't be around when you do it." Not that I could stop him drinking, but I could stop being in his presence when he was drinking. So I think we do have a choice. We can have a thing we want; we just can't have everything we want. In your case, as I see it, you don't have to accept him smoking in your house. Given that he's going to continue to smoke (if you or anyone could stop him, he would have stopped already), you have the choice of, for instance, continuing to live with him, or not continuing to live with him. If you continue to live with him and he smokes in your house, it's because for now you have chosen that above the other options. If it becomes something you decide you don't want in your life any more, you can also choose to move out or have him move out. So the way I see it, it's not really that we're trapped in this situation. We're choosing to stay in it for now (or not). We do have the power. Hope that makes sense. Take what you like and leave the rest!
, I don't feel like I want to (insert expletive) well kill him, I don't feel like I never want to talk to him again and that he has ruined a good weekend. I was planned for my Sunday to be whatever I want, regardless of what he did and I am doing that. he just chose to spend the first half of it with me.