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Hi everyone- please forgive me in advance if this post is confusing and rambling at times- I feel as tho I have an overload of emotions and thoughts running thru my head right now and just need to get it out. I've been a member of a group board in the past (when I was pregnant) and have always felt that was some of the best support, advice and in a way, therapy I've ever had. My first thought, after what happened tonight, and the aftermath that followed was "go find an online support group" - and I found these boards :) I'm not one for group meeting, I cry way too easily, so MY first step into all of this is to come here. I'm hoping that some of you can give me the insight as to what my NEXT steps would be. Soooo- deep breath... Here goes
My dad was an alcoholic. Growing up I saw him physically and verbally abuse my mom. She divorced him and I swore to myself i would never "put up with" the things she went thru. Fast forward 16 years and i develop a nasty little cocaine addiction in college. Didn't think i had a problem, and just partied with the best of them. Until i lost everything-my job, apartment, relationships etc. Hit rock bottom and had to move into my moms house. My recovery was a simple one and for that I'm incredibly grateful. I woke up one day, literally, and said "what the hell am I doing?!?!" never touched the stuff again. 6 years sober this October. Coincidentally, I met the man who became my husband the day after I used cocaine for the last time. It was a whirlwind romance and I thought this was my "reward" for turning my life around. We got married and now have a beautiful2 yr old little girl. But my "happily ever after" turned out to be a nightmare. Over the past year or so, there have been several occasions that my husb drinks so much that he is extremely violent and picks fights with everyone around him at family functions. He lashes out at anyone that gets in his way trying to calm him down and has hit his brother, father, mother etc during these altercations where they are trying to calm him down. He's only put his hands on me once. He is usually the nicest, calmest and sweetest man you'll ever meet. But when he drinks to that excess it's like he's possesed. Tonight was one of those nights. I can't even describe in detail because its still so raw and I honestly think I'm still in shock. However, tonight,after the big debacle at a family party, he finally came out and acknowledged he has a problem and wants to get help. Which is great, but he said the same thing last year and obviouslly.... We're right back to the same place.
I want so badly to believe him this time. He seems sincere, even made plans to have his brother go to AA meetings with him. His whole family is on board and very supportive. But I am TERRIFIED. I want to believe him so badly that he will really follow thru and get the help he needs, but ive heard this vow before and been so disappointed before. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!?!?! I want to be supportive and help but i don't even know where to start. I don't know what to say to him- I don't want to be a nag by bringing it up when he's sober tomorrow - but then again I don't want to NOT say anything so he doesn't think i don't care, ya know?
Again sorry if this is rambling and if you've gotten this far, I thank you for reading it. Any and all advice on how i can make HIS recovery process better would be appreciated. I feel as tho I might be too hard on him since my own personal recovery from addiction was vastly different.... How do I even begin to be his support?
Hi I am new here so not in the position to give you much advice that you need. What I will give you, is what I ahve done so far. Read read and read. I read every post on this board. I bought books which arrived last week and I have already devoured two of them I have bought more. I have listened to what others have said. I have taken what I like and left the rest. I have decided, that the best way to help anyone, is to help myself. I can't make any decisions from where I am at right now. I feel my own mind is in a pretty sick place right now. I need to get healthy so then I can make educated decisions based from a healthy platform.
thats why i am here, and i do hope you can find what you want in listening to people on this board.
Having said that, always put your safety and that of your child first. If you need to make a decison to get out of the way of violence, then I urge you to do so.
Good luck. You will find you are not alone in this, and I find I am never alone as I can access this board when I need to.
The best thing I could do to support someone that is interested in recovery is to have the program of Alanon myself. I had to wrip my hands of his recovery or lack thereof and begin practicing self care. For me self care began in attending face to face meetings of Alanon on a regular basis.
This forum is great. I think it is a fabulous outlet when it is 2 AM with your hair on fire and need to vent rather than to take it out on loved ones that disappoint us. Or, it's the middle of the afternoon and you would like a pick me up or to help another newcomer along, it is just wonderful. However, it only provides temporary relief, not recovery from the effects of alcoholism.
The face to face meetings of alanon and my loving sponsor taught me how to detach with love from those who still are practicing their disease. It was when I took a big bite of humble pie and asked someone to sponsor me that I was able to discover and dissolve all the illusions of separation that existed between me and my HP. I no longer felt the need to get between my loved ones desire to drink or not. Alanon taught me the 5 G's paraphrased as: Get off their back, Get out of their way, Get on with your Life, Get to Meetings, and Give it to God, where it belongs.
This disease was so much bigger than me to handle. The battle is not mine, it's Gods. The magic for me began when I finallly felt my powerlessness over it, took my hands off the results, and through sponsorship and step work, I became free.
Today I am a different person. I have found freedom, joy, and happiness in my life in the presence of alcoholism. I have a husband, mother in law, and father who are still active in their disease. I love these people. They are kind, wonderful people who just so happen to have no mental or physical defense against the first drink.
I do so hope you will reconsider attending face to face meetings. I too was the woman in the meeting that cried week after week. I could not help it, the pain was insurmountable. My outsides did not match up with my insides. I just could not keep up with the facade that everything is o.k. because I was dying inside. Alanon is a safe, loving place for which I am forever grateful for. I could not find the joy in my life until I was willing to walk through the pain.
Look in the front of your local phone book and find a domestic violence hotline and call them. You don't have to know what to say---they know what to ask. You will remain anomyous if you wish, of course. Your husband does not have to know.
They will guide you in how to proceed in terms of dealing with your situation.
The first step in taking care of yourself is to keep you and your daughter safe and alive. Domestic violence (physical AND verbal) is very dangerous and tends to accellerate over time. It doesn't matter what the "excuse" is----drinking or not.
Please continue to post here. There may be others who have faced physical abuse as well.
Please don't let emotions be what keeps you from a meeting. It's so much more important to get them out in a safe place than any perceived embarrassment because I don't know anyone who hasn't gone to a meeting and not cried. It's almost out of relief. You aren't doing anything anyone else hasn't done. :)
I waffle on this because I get where Otie is coming from and absolutely agree that you have to put your safety first and your child's safety first. I was disturbed to read that "he only hit you once" what was what I took away from your post. It does escalate. It doesn't matter that it was only once. You know what your situation is and only you can make that decision. I go back to safety of you and your child and knowing you have a safe place to go no matter what. Where I waffle is Otie did a wonderful thing of putting the information out there I want to scream take it. :)
Face to face meetings are where my healing has escalated this board has given me such wonderful information as well as acceptance and support, it was this plus the f2f meetings that really put it all together. I am grateful for everyone here to help me gain courage and take a deeper look at myself.
Whatever you do, please keep coming back reading and sharing it's really where it is as, we are all responsible for our own healing at alanon. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I, too, felt lost and terrifed. That was before I began attending Al-Anon meetings. I can't say enough how powerful it is to be in a roomful of people who understand me.
I avoided meetings for all of my married life (36 years). It wasn't until after my divorce that I decided to give meetings a try.
I now see that the best thing I could have done for my "sick" marriage back when my AH was drinking all the time and his disease was in control of him and me, I could have gone to Al-Anon and began the change in me long ago.
But better late than never. I'm changing today - and - I give the program loads of credit. Listening to others share their experience, strength and hope is life changing for me. It gives me the hope and courage that I need to continue to pursue my personal growth.
By the way, we shorten the words "experience, strength and hope" by just typing "ES&H."
Welcome and come as often you needed here. Sure hope you give meetings serious consideration and a good try! Don't draw conclusions on your first or second visit. If I had done so, I'd never had realized what the program is capable of doing in my life.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
It will get easier--"when in doubt don't" as they say--so when not sure what to say I heard here " don't say a thing". I am trying to give ppl the dignity to make their own choices & be adult and learn from those choices. It is hard like the A letting go of the alcohol (me attempting to be letting go of my need to get my point across and all that, but one moment at a time I can--together WE can) Not easy coming from my upbringing, but I am learning mature ways of being in these rooms. and try and focus on my next right thing--i fnd out my next right thing to do by literature, meetings, support & prayer.
If u need support, in addition to this and chat room outreach--please remember to go on the phone bridge meetings. It is a Virginia phone number and at the end there are often ppl who leave their number for sponsorship or support calls. (not every meeting, but at least half). At 712-432-8733 pin is 52639. These phone bridge-conference meetings at 9 am noon 4 pm and 8 pm Eastern Time. There are also some later ones I don't recall but u can call Al-anon Main office (1-888-4alanon) for the more detailed list of meetings and topics. If long distance calls are issue--the phone cards sold at discount stores often make it about a penny per minute to call.
All my best to you-the only way out is through this and it is easier with support. Reaching out was a good choice,
Luv 123
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
Sorry for you situation and glad you found us! First of all pls know we have online meetings here to twice daily that you can attend until you are ready to get to a face to face meeting. So at least give that a try pls. 2nd violence is never to be tolerated, as your husband disease progresses ( and it is a progessive disease ) so will his violent actions. And alcohol or drugs are NO excuse for abuse. So as a plan B so to speak do get in touch with a womans shelter and see what your options are in the event you need them. No one is going to tell you to leave your husband but we are going to suggest you put the safety of your baby and yourslef first and foremost. If your husband chooses recovery super! But it isn't your job to be his cheerleader so to speak or help him through his recovery. He will get all the support he needs through the fellowship of AA. There is no one better to help and addict than another addict. So leave your husband to work his recovery and you work your recovery. We work the same steps as AA only in a different context. And working the program will improve your life dramaically. You have no control over your husbands actions. You can only control your own. So if you are looking for peace and serenity you have found the right program. Wishing you all the best, pls keep posting and I hope to see you in one of our online meetings Blessings
It is not acceptable to be verbally and physicallyabused. As Otie & xeno say, please take care and seek out the people and places they recommend.
My daughter was in what became an abusive marriage, first it was verbal and as the drinking escalated it then also became physical.....the disease progresses.....and is unpredictable....she was hit more than once when he was in a blackout, he was out of control and had no memory of it afterwards. He also abused others verbally, including me......it was nasty and frightening.
Living in fear of the next time is no way to live, and I urge you to find an Alanon family group meeting. There's an abundance of understanding, experience, strength and hope at meetings...(and a supply of tissues and warm hugs).......cry all you want, I know I have....there's no shame in it.....tears are cleansing and healing.
I can't even begin to thank you all for your wonderful advice and support. I haven't been on here since I posted the other night and seeing all of these responses made something break inside of me- in a good way! I have tears pouring down my face (I told you, I'm a crier!) but I also feel very hopeful- and I haven't felt that way in awhile! I also went out and bought some books today on AA and being the spouse of an A. After reading thru parts of them, and your responses it really hit home that I really do have to focus on MYSELF and my daughter and just leave him to it - I realize there's not a darn thing I can do for him and I can't "fix" this. It's actually kind of embarrassing reading my post because eveything I said is the exact opposite of how I should be looking at things :/
I also appreciate all of the resources you all put out there- along with my "epiphany" today about focusing on me and my daughter and not him and his disease, I also realized that I'm making excuses for him- and his violence. I was incomplete denial that he would ever hit me again or that he could possibly progress to harming our baby - it's a reality thats hard to face and, again, embarrassing that I could be that naive. I have started thinking ahead- a Plan B i guess, for what I will do if and when he continues to drink- found a safe place to go etc. For now, I'm focusing on me and what I need to do to get better- and seriously considering f2f meetings - I think it's time to stop sticking my head in the sand and just face this thing full on- I like the 5 G's concept. Gives me a foundation and a better sense of control when I feel like I'm losing it.
I'm definitely sticking around- i have a long journey ahead and I need all the help and support I can get :)
Keep coming back. You had no idea when you posted that you would find a new caring, understanding and loving family. You received a lot of wisdom, experience, strenght, and hope form some ladies who want you to have what they have. Stick around it only gets better.
