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Hello everyone.
I was hoping to get some ideas on how to find the time to go to meetings and work on my recovery. I work from 6:30am to 6pm Monday thru Friday (commute time included in that) I get home and my A goes to night school. I have enough time to feed and bathe my kids, spend a little time with them and its bedtime for all of us. I am exhausted. I feel guilty that I don't see my kids much. I feel guilty when I do anything on the weekends. I never spend time with friends. I feel very distant from my AH. I work from home after the kids go to sleep and many times on the weekends, we are extremely understaffed in my dept and I cannot keep up with my workload. My AH doesn't work. I am so tired of carrying all the weight. I feel so stuck.
How do you find the time to take care of yourself with a fulltime job and kids? I feel guilty leaving my kids with my husband on the weekends. I take them everywhere I go. We don't have the money for babysitters, and live 700 miles away from any family.
Thanks for being here, and letting me rant.
I so understand .. we moved here under the impression that family was were it was at and it did not turn out that way at all. It's been better lately, however I did feel a tad duped in moving here and was not given much of a choice really. Now I'm 1500 miles from my own family which is pretty small. AH has a ton of family however we don't see anyone and the family that is available is not who I want my kids staying with at this point between alcoholism and health issues.
My suggestion would be this .. carving out a small slice of time for yourself even if it means taking the kids with you. If all you have is one day a week then one day a week is going to be it, that's ok. It's more important to start your healing and making time for you. Only you can know what is right for you on taking the kids or not. Usually there is a meeting that will offer some kind of babysitting. My daughter actually does it, it's on site and literally down the hallway from where we are, so there is no weirdness. I know of another meeting that babysitting is available so don't feel that you can't do a meeting because of it. Call and ask about babysitting. I've been desperate enough to use the alanon hotline in our area to find out information before I started going to meetings it's what they are there for. Plus, these lovely people are there for a reason and that's to help you.
An hour out of the week (for a meeting) is not being selfish, it's what you need to do to continue on your road to recovery. Taking 5 - 10 min out of a day to read, before the kids get up or after they go to bed is not selfish. If I was working I would highly suggest using your lunch hour to read or whatever, if it's possible, I know not every job has an hour lunch break. There is time it's finding out what you are willing to give in order to get it. I don't find that selfish at all.
Hugs, you are important :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi dragonflys, I am a single Mom with 2 kids. I work 4 part time jobs to support us. I have 1 day off a week and sometimes a half day. I make 2 meetings a week because I have found serenity in my face to face meetings and realize when I miss them, it affects my recovery. I also found a sponsor who when I do take on more work and miss a meeting will spend an hour with me working my steps at her home. I have no family at all nearby and my exAH set up his Mom watching my 3 year old on Tuesday's. I pay for daycare and have trusted girlfriends babysit and a neighborhood girl from time to time, it does help that I have a 13 year old, but I don't put it all on her. I don't trust my ex or his family with my children anymore than I have to. I used to feel guilty about leaving my kids in my little bit of off time, but now that I feel at peace in my life and my 13 year old says it is definitely an obvious and great change, i know it is worth it and so am I. I am hoping you can find a way to make it to a meeting and give it a chance! Glad you made it this far.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Could you wrangle some "therapy off time?". It's kinda shifty but the program is called "Social Model Therapy" and it is recommended often by mental health professionals because it works and works well. Al-Anon is for those who's lives have been affected by someone elses drinking. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. You get well and they get a much better employee and mother; a win/win situation. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all for the suggestions. I have some pto and comp days saved up. I need a few days away from everything. I would really like to find an Alanon conference to go to. I have missed 3 weeks of meetings in a row now, maybe that is why I am shifting backwards. I usually go on saturday mornings but the last few weeks, my ah has been driving to see his friend 2 hours away on the exact mornings that he knows my meetings are. He says my codependent ways are not gettin better and I should do something else. I don't like him analyzing me. Its irritating. I have got to learn to stand up for my "me" time.
For me I need that hour per week for my own sanity even if it is on the weekends. I attend weekend meetings because I am a better wife and parent to my children when my wings are level and I am flying straight.
When I miss a weekend meeting, I am short and a bit resentful because I did not put myself first. In my area there are some late night meetings. Even midnight meetings. I would recommend checking out open AA meetings because alanons are always welcomed.
Dragonflys of course you're exhausted! You're working one half of every day and I bet you're great at whatever it is that you do. They're lucky to have you. Mothering is a whole other full time job. So you're working two full time jobs without help. Let go of guilt. You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. You're a super human responsible mother and employee who has earned the right to feel PROUD! This shall pass sooner that you think. Your children will be grown in a flash and you'll have time for friends and other things that are a lower priority right now.
Once I accepted the fact that I would never be able to get close to my AH because his first love is using alcohol and drugs, his second love is hiding and protecting his use of A and D, I felt free. I no longer felt compelled to make the impossible happen. That freed me from a lot of feelings of failure and guilt. Acceptance released energy. Fighting what is keeps you stuck. It sounds like a contradiction, but accepting what is unsticks you, so to speak.
What about audio CDs that you could listen to during your work commutes? Does anyone on these boards know about that possibility?
I'm cross talking I hope not .. gak!! What LastHope mentioned about the CD's those are a FANTASTIC way to stay grounded to your program. If you happen to have an iPod you can plug into your car you can find pod casts to AA and Alanon speakers. I need to go and upload things to mine. They really help keep me in the know of what I am or am not doing in my program. It's the lift I need from time to time.
My AH likes to throw a passive/aggressive wrench in my program from time to time (not so much now .. lol) and now as possibly manipulative as this is .. it works for me .. lol .. I just text as I'm leaving the drive way that I'm going to a meeting. Now that I'm going to multiple meetings during the week .. LOL .. he has no idea if I'm coming or going. He is not allowed to sabotage my healing and he's gotten the message that if he tries to I will just find another way. I'm curious to see how he does with the driving (when he starts) and now that our eldest is of babysitting age, he has a lot less power in that area, an hour is not a lot of time and my kids will both say they like that I go to meetings I'm a LOT more fun to be around.
I had a point what was it?? OH yes .. LOL .. the meetings are for you and everyone around you will benefit and even your AH will. He may not like change however it doesn't matter it's about YOU!!
Hugs, P :)
dragonflys wrote:
Thank you all for the suggestions. I have some pto and comp days saved up. I need a few days away from everything. I would really like to find an Alanon conference to go to. I have missed 3 weeks of meetings in a row now, maybe that is why I am shifting backwards. I usually go on saturday mornings but the last few weeks, my ah has been driving to see his friend 2 hours away on the exact mornings that he knows my meetings are. He says my codependent ways are not gettin better and I should do something else. I don't like him analyzing me. Its irritating. I have got to learn to stand up for my "me" time.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The podcasts are exactly what i needed!!! I spend so much time in the car, this is going to be great! I cant wait for the morning commute tomorrow :)
I know I need those Saturday meetings, they make the rest of my weekend so much more enjoyable. I do realize this, but just really need to stand my ground with my AH and tell him that those 2 hours are mine every weekend.
Words cannot express how thankful I am to be on this board and have people that understand and relate.
lasthope - thank you for your post. This is exactly what I needed to read today.
