The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had two dinner/neighborhood things to go to this evening. The first one I was dreading all day because I've been so focused on my alanon program and I often feel socially akward, and really seeing my chronic low self esteem etc. At times I'm convinced that I'm just a weirdo and too intense for people and I tend to overshare or take things personally etc. It was a late afternoon playdate with moms in the neighborhood and our kids.
Since starting Alanon 7 months ago I've been trying to get out and make friends and stop isolating so much. I've generally avoided socializing with other moms and have pre-judged many people in my mind in the past thinking they wouldn't like me or we would have nothing in common.
At the playdate I had a great time and was paid a wonderful compliment! One of the women complimented me on my "wonderful demeanor" and said how much she enjoyed being around me. (We were talking about our childhoods, moving around a bunch, always the new kid etc...) Someone new who I met there gave me a big hug when I left and told me she hoped we'd meet again soon. This was huge for me! I noticed that I felt much more natural and relaxed around them and grounded. These are things that I haven't experienced for a long, long time.
The 2nd place I had a commitment at was a party at a recently divorced neighbor's house on my street. I dreaded it because my AH would be there and would mostly likely be drunk but the time I arrived. My other child was there playing with the kids and I like some of neighbors who are usually there, although I often don't chose to go due to the drinking.
I showed up at the neighbors and sure enough, my AH was slurring his words and chose to insult me about something in front of a neighbor within about 15 minutes. She (neighbor) and I had a nice chat outside and I told her I was uncomfortable with what he'd said. She was very supportive and shared with me enough to know that I'm not alone and that she has some similar struggles of her own.
Later, at dinner, my AH got into a belligerant discussion about a sensitive subject with the host and the others and I got up and went into the next room where the kids were rather than stay and listen to it. The pre-Alanon me would have stayed and run interference for him, or joined in and try to get him to stop going on and on and basically cringed with embarassment. (He doesn't seem to have a filter or care about hurting feelings etc.)
At one point the host (who has known my husband for years) raised his voice at my husband and told him that he wasn't going to discuss anything with him anymore unless he could show respect for other people's opinions. More words were exchanged from others and everyone left the table en masse. There was an uncomfortable silence where my husband sat alone at the table starting down at his plate dumbfounded. I choose to believe that his HP was working on him in the silence of that uncomfortable moment.
Anyway, I went home, put the kids to bed, read some literature, took a shower and I feel pretty darn good! He tried to engage when he came home and said something rude but I let it roll right off my back with no response. He passed out shortly after, luckily in the guestroom.
This is the program as it expressed itself in my part of the world tonight! For me it's a miracle compared to what used to transpire over and over again, pre-Alanon. In the past after socializing with him, I would get sick feelings in my stomach, I've left in tears and cried walking home, I would often say something snide or sarcastic when he walked in the door for embarassing me, we would often have a screaming fight in front of the kids...and on and on and on.
Tonight was a good night and I'm grateful for the growth I've achieved today. Progress, not Perfection is bringing me peace tonight.
That was a great evening! It looked like people at the same dinner table were detaching just like you were. Before Alanon I would not have known I had choices like that too. I would have just stood there and took it. The whole party sent your husband a message. It sounds like he felt the impact.
I loved hearing how you ended your evening on a positive note, self care. Took a shower and went to bed without engaging. I hope you slept peacefully.
This program works if you work it. Your post demonstrates that it is possible, one day at a time.
What a wonderful share thank you!! Look at you work your program, it works if you work it!! :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That's a wonderful share! It's so great that you were able to get out there and navigate that evening so well! It's pretty amazing from my perspective. How nice that you got such a wonderful compliment on your demeanor :) It must have been really tough at the dinner with your AH, but it sounds like you were able to handle it very well! Pretty inspiring! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Thank you for your kind words support! Those of us who live with active drinkers know what it feels like to walk a tighrope. This morning my AH apologized to the neighbors and then apologized to me for "speaking disrespectfully." I don't remember the last time he apologized to me with a period on the end of it, if ever. I made sure I thanked him and told him I appreciated it.
For today and I can feel the success that comes from acceptance, non-reactivity and being thankful in the moment. Where would I be without these tools? Yay! :)
-- Edited by GreenK on Saturday 13th of August 2011 12:13:32 PM
GreenK, thank you so much for coming here and sharing it with us. Just the reminder I needed today :) Thank you, keep coming and keep sharing that it works when you work it!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Aloha Green...You just squeezed a ton of empathy out of me and admiration on how you handled that. I'm grateful you showed the program works when you work it. (((((squeeze back))))) also known as a hug of course.
How wonderful, and gratifying, to have everything you worked for fall into place. Suddenly, the whole message clicks into place. Yesterday, i was walking down a street and realized that I felt happy, and relaxed for the first time in a long time. Thank God for miracles.
I can really relate to feeling like you don't fit in to a crowd and being tempted to not participate in things for fear of how awful it's going to be. Mostly I had this feeling that people didn't like me and that they were just being nice to my face.
Since working alanon and creating a new path for myself, I have forced myself to get out there and be with people. Some experiences are not great, but for the most part, I am always pleasantly surprised about how much fun I have and how much I have in common with people and how much people enjoy my company. These days, I have a good number of people that I can call up to do things with on a weekend, where before I always dreaded weekends because it represented a time of great isolation and loneliness.
