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I just got back from spending 10 days with my family of origin, because of my niece's wedding. My sister and I have had many conflicts about who should have responsibility for our disabled mother, and I was determined not to ruin this wedding by fighting. I got through everything perfectly, until the end of our last day at my sister's house. Then my sister told me to find Mom's toothbrush and I didn't like her tone of voice. I forgot that I was determined not to have any conflicts, and I acted kind of nuts. I was reacting more to the past than the present. Fortunately most of the wedding guests were gone by then.
Eventually I fell asleep and had an awful dream. I felt I had ruined everything by going nuts so near the end, when the whole visit and wedding had been so lovely.
It wasn't all my fault, and my sister had commanded me to find Mom's toothbrush. And after I got angry, she got even angrier, and she can always out-yell me. But it was so unimportant, I could easily have ignored it.
So the next day I apologized to my sister and everyone, and they seemed to all accept my apology.
It was only because of Alanon and the 12 steps that I could make amends and not care about my pride and ego.
So it was bad, but it could have been much worse. I could have rationalized and justified my actions and we could have all stayed mad indefinitely.
I so much wish I had controlled myself. I wish I had prayed before I yelled. But at least I realized I was wrong. I apologized for my part of it. Of course my sister didn't think she had anything to apologize for. That's ok.
I think my family of origin all agrees with me that my sister has been negligent towards our mother and has tried to leave everything to me. There is really nothing I can do about it. They can't help me, because they can't take sides.
Well anyway. I had been dreading the wedding and the visit for months, and now it's past and it was mostly good. I should have prayed more, but at least I prayed.
Oh boy, this really brings up memories for me. When our mother was at the point she could no longer live alone I was the one to take care of her. NOT THAT I MINDED in the least. My mother and I were very close and I loved having her live with me so I could spend more time with her. But, that said, I admit there was some resentment towards my sister who was no help at all. Ooops, sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread with my own history. :( Anyway, in your situation I would have asked myself ¨How important is it?¨ Of course, that's after a year and a half in alanon. Before that I probably would have reacted as you did. Don't be so hard on yourself - You realized you overreacted, you apologized, and most of all you learned a lesson. Good for you!
Oh boy, this really brings up memories for me. When our mother was at the point she could no longer live alone I was the one to take care of her. NOT THAT I MINDED in the least. My mother and I were very close and I loved having her live with me so I could spend more time with her. But, that said, I admit there was some resentment towards my sister who was no help at all. Ooops, sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread with my own history. :( Anyway, in your situation I would have asked myself ¨How important is it?¨ Of course, that's after a year and a half in alanon. Before that I probably would have reacted as you did. Don't be so hard on yourself - You realized you overreacted, you apologized, and most of all you learned a lesson. Good for you!
I have been practicing the 12 steps for many years. I know all about asking how important is it. Oh, here is my ego again, defending myself. Yes I know I know I know. It often happens that I know things but emotions can make me forget. I don't know what made me forget at that moment, but I did. It doesn't mean I didn't know, because I do. Just forgot.
And I was not being hard on myself in my post. I was trying to be honest and describe what happened. Oh I guess I don't really like these forums after all. I keep trying. No, I am not a newcomer. I struggle with life, but who doesn't? Is there someone who really doesn't, or do they just pretend they don't.
Trying to share honestly here, and to show that it turned out ok after all, I think. It could have been so much worse. My Dad was there and he lives far away and I love him so much and seldom see him. He is over 85. I didn't want him to see me being a jerk, but he did. He seemed to understand though, he knows how stressful this has been.
No, I do not love being responsible for my mother. I love her, but hate the responsibility. It's too much.
Ifa, I'm so sorry you've had these troubles. Sometimes -- as your story makes clear, a story with which I'm sure we can all identify -- sometimes people say things that come out sounding a little wrong, and feelings get hurt. This is a forum with many wonderful people and much wisdom, so I hope you'll stick around and help us all learn from each other.
I've had that "oh dear I blew my top when things were going so well" experience so many times. You sound as if you made amends and acknowledged your part in it so quickly -- there's got to be a lot of recovery showing there! It is inspiring. Especially when people push old buttons, I can get grumpy in a nanosecond. But I do know that in many families people would rather walk to the North Pole barefoot rather than apologize, so your owning your part in it like that is a great example for the younger generation, as well as to all of us who struggle with our difficulties. I will try to remember this next time it happens to me (it could be tomorrow...)
¨Why why why do I post on forums? I never seem to learn, always seem to hope.¨ Ifa, I confess, I don't understand your regret at posting here.Did I say something wrong in my reply to you? I wanted to offer my ESH in a situation that was upsetting to you. Yes, it did turn out OK. And I'm glad of that. And yes, we all struggle with dealing with daily life. At least, I certainly do. I hope you keep coming back.
Ifa, I'm so sorry you've had these troubles. Sometimes -- as your story makes clear, a story with which I'm sure we can all identify -- sometimes people say things that come out sounding a little wrong, and feelings get hurt. This is a forum with many wonderful people and much wisdom, so I hope you'll stick around and help us all learn from each other.
I've had that "oh dear I blew my top when things were going so well" experience so many times. You sound as if you made amends and acknowledged your part in it so quickly -- there's got to be a lot of recovery showing there! It is inspiring. Especially when people push old buttons, I can get grumpy in a nanosecond. But I do know that in many families people would rather walk to the North Pole barefoot rather than apologize, so your owning your part in it like that is a great example for the younger generation, as well as to all of us who struggle with our difficulties. I will try to remember this next time it happens to me (it could be tomorrow...)
Thank you! You understood exactly what I meant. I wasn't looking for sympathy or advice (we seldom are). I was trying to share a typical struggle, and the fact that I did the 10th step by apologizing right away!
¨Why why why do I post on forums? I never seem to learn, always seem to hope.¨ Ifa, I confess, I don't understand your regret at posting here.Did I say something wrong in my reply to you? I wanted to offer my ESH in a situation that was upsetting to you. Yes, it did turn out OK. And I'm glad of that. And yes, we all struggle with dealing with daily life. At least, I certainly do. I hope you keep coming back.
Yes, you said something wrong. I hate it when I share honestly about a problem and someone says "Oh I used to do that back when I didn't know any better, but now I have wisdom and I don't do it any more."
That is ego and pride. We all have them, but we have to fight them every day. Sometimes every minute.
Also, that you loved taking care of your mother. Yes you were just telling the truth, but it still hurts. I love my mother, but I hate the fact that she is helpless and I hate the responsibility.
"Also, that you loved taking care of your mother. Yes you were just telling the truth, but it still hurts. I love my mother, but I hate the fact that she is helpless and I hate the responsibility."
And I hate the fact that my sister won't help. She lives out of state, but so does my brother, and he helps a lot. I hate the extreme unfairness. And because I have to work full time, caregiving was way too much work. Now my mother is in assisted living, so it is much easier. But I am still very angry about my sister's negligence.
Progress not perfection. I think you did the best you could with what you had.
Yeah I guess so. I had promised myself I would be absolutely perfect, beginning to end. I was (almost) perfect right up to the evening before we left. I got so many compliments, because I had performed music at the ceremony. I had worked very hard on the music and I was so happy to get compliments. And I had taken responsibility for choosing and buying Mom's clothes and I thought she looked good. It was all a lot of work, and expense, and I used a lot of vacation days from work. I had put a lot into it and it all worked out even better than I hoped.
And then I acted like a 5-year-old just because my sister said "Mom can't find her tooth brush. Go find it." I don't like being talked to like I'm a servant. But my sister has said much worse things to me than that in the past! Why did I unravel? I might never know.
Then I had an awful dream that seemed to be sent from God. It told me -- not in words but in feelings -- that I had to take responsibility. I will never forget that dream. It motivated me to stop trying to blame my sister and to look at myself.
It was all because of my many years in Alanon and the 12 steps that I could let go of my ego at least for a while.
I still wish I had not lost my mind. I don't think I did the best I could. I know I could have done much much better. Any time I forget to pray, it's my fault. I know that help is available any time I ask, and if I forget to ask that is my fault.
Ifa, Glad you are here, thanks for sharing. I know for me, I have to take a look at my part in things, when I get mad at someone. Just like you did. Good for you for making amends. Great share. Thanks :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
