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Hi, I am the husband of an alcoholic. My wife has struggled and been in and out of rehabs for the past several years. We have 4 young children at home, and her struggles have taken a toll on all of us. She just got back from a 2 month stay at her sister's out of town (her sister is in AA and it was a place where my wife could focus on recovery without the stresses of our daily lives with the kids) two weeks ago.
I know it is not commonly agreed upon in AA circles, but for my wife, smoking is a gateway to drinking again. I've begged her to stop multiple times, and she just can't. She has drunk mouthwash in the past in addition to abusing alcohol, pills, and smoking.
Since she came back, there have been multiple occsasions where I could sense she was not right. She acts manic/depressive, her cheeks are flushed, her eyes are different, and occasionally her speech is impaired slightly with a lisp. I suspected she was drinking mouthwash again, but she swore she wasn't, despite my finding open containers in several spots in our apartment.
On a hunch last night, I looked in a spot where she used to hide beer when she was drinking, and sure enough, I found two brown bags with empty 16oz cans in them.
I am beside myself, as my wife probably missed 3 to 3 1/2 months of her kids growing up over the past year. The kids miss their mother, but apparently she is not capable of focusing on recovery and dealing with our family at the same time, at least not yet.
The worst part is that she has no problem looking me straight in the eyes and lying, even if she knows I know the truth. I am afraid to confront her on this latest incident because in the past it would just send her on a bender knowing she was probably going to have to go away again. Her family is at it's wits end with this, as is mine. Everyone is proud of her because they think she's approaching 80 days at this point, when in fact she's been back to ground zero probably for weeks.
I'm at work right now wondering what to do, say, if anything? Should I talk to her sponsor? Should I deal with this directly myself? I'm working 2 jobs right now to make ends meet, and every time she falls and has to go away, it's a tremendous stress on me on top of everything else.
I love her, and the kids adore her, but we all know something is wrong. I am really struggling to make this work, but part of me says that life is too short.
Sorry to ramble, but any advice would really be appreciated... I feel lost right now...
Hey glad you came! Welcome here :) You are in the right place. Good for you for finding alanon! If you can, it is suggested to get to at least 6 alanon meetings in a row in your area, face to face meetings to see what we are all about. There you can get literature, support, phone numbers to call to help you in your recovery from living with an alcoholic. We have all been where you are. It was suggested to me when I first came to go to meetings, read the alanon literature, read Getting Them Sober, go to more meetings, find a sponsor for yourself and work the steps for you. I was told about the 3 C's: You didn't Cause her to drink, You can't Cure her drinking and you can't ever ever Control her drinking. This is a spiritual program and its for you to get better. Keep coming, this program works when you work it and you are worth it! I came here on my knees, I didn't want to go to meetings, but when I finally did what was suggested, I began to get better, day by day, little by little. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi, you did come to the right place, and I agree, you need to get to some meetings if at all possible. They will help. Focus on yourself and on your kids. Your wife will do what she will do and you can't control it, as youfoundme says. It sounds like you are under tremendous stress, and I can relate. But if you can take the focus off your wife and put it on yourself, you'll find the stress lifts a bit.
Being lied to is hard, I've been in the same boat as have many here. But it's part of the disease and your wife has this disease.
Is there anyone in your area who can help? Friends/family? Help with the kids I mean.
I'm sorry you are going through this but you have taken a great first step in coming here. Find some meetings and read the literature. Hang in there!
Thanks for the kind thoughts. I've actually been to meetings and have the literature. I've gotten a lot of advice over the past few years on the do's/dont's around an alcoholic. I also work two jobs and can't always get to meetings, so I was hoping to get some advice in the forums here when I can't be there live.
If anyone who thoughts on my specific situation that might be able to chime in I'd really appreciate it. I am going to have to deal with it probably in the next 48hrs, because I know from past experience that it will not self resolve...
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know that I've faced a similar situation, and I imagine most if not all of the folks on this board have as well.
The continued drinking and the lying are so familiar. They certainly go hand-in-hand with alcoholism.
You may know Step One, that we are powerless over alcohol/the alcoholic, as well as the three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.
Talking to her sponsor or to her directly, or to anyone else, won't make any difference, I'm afraid. As you have found, unless the alcoholic wants and decides to stop drinking, no amount of confrontation, argument, or persuasion makes any difference. Her sponsor won't be able to persuade her. If her four small dear children and her husband can't persuade her (and you can't), then nothing can -- until (if) she decides she wants to stop, and starts working her program sincerely. This has to happen on her own time frame.
What I didn't know in the beginning was that 5%-30% of alcoholics who go into recovery programs are able to stay sober long term. The odds are against alcoholics. I kept thinking, "When will it happen? When will it happen? What can I do to get recovery to happen?" The sad truth is that the odds are against it happening.
What that means is that we can't hold our breaths waiting for it to happen. No one knows what the future holds. But I wish I had said to myself, "Do what you would do if you knew he was not going to get sober." What that is will differ for different people and situations. But what would you do to achieve your own serenity and protect your children if your wife were notgoing to get sober? Because that's the situation you're in today, and it may be the situation you're in for years to come.
We can have good and happy lives even if the alcoholic is still drinking. That's what Al-Anon is all about. There are meetings online here as well as in your community, as I know you're having a hard time clearing the time for meetings. However you get to them (and to these boards and chat rooms) doesn't matter. But we've all been dragged into insanity by alcoholism -- and we can choose to end that insanity with our own recovery.
Keep coming back! Sending you the very best wishes for better times ahead.
I know you must be at your wits end by now. I know I was. My husband drove me nearly insane with his alcoholism and pill binges. He still has pill binges from time to time. It is hard to accept these thing from the people we love the most. It can even cause a rift in a marriage especially when kids are involved. We have to small children and I work 2 jobs as well he works but sometimes doesn't show up. He is on his last leg at work and could be fired at any point but I choose not reacting to these situations because it makes it worse when I do react. If I have something to say to my husband I make sure I am not angry and he is sober and that helps me get what I have to say off of my chest and most times it helps. Every situation is diffterent just know that you are not alone and you are in the right place.
Thank you all sincerely for the advice. As you've all said, and as I know, confrontation is not a solution. It usually just ends in disaster. It takes every ounce of energy to avoid it sometimes, but I've learned to walk away. I've actually slept on the floor of my office twice in the past couple of months as a result.
Your situation sounds eerily familiar to mine from several years ago, only I had two young kids at home, not four.... The lying, mistrust, etc - is all crazymaking, and doing it's job, as it is obviously affecting you (and no doubt the kids) as well....
I don't know the ages of your children, but I waited FAR too long to get my kids out of the day-to-day care of my ex-AW, who was (very) active at the time. When my kids were 4 and 2, after witnessing my AW driving drunk with them (not the first time, I am ashamed to say), I finally had to stop believing the "promises of change" and take action - I put the kids into fulltime daycare - it was difficult, and expensive, but it was absolutely the only right thing for me to do at the time.... My AW was out of the house on multiple occasions, for as long as a few months - and kept up her addiction for several years.... To her credit, she finally found her bottom, and is now over nine years sober. Our marriage didn't survive, but she is sober, reasonably healthy, and has a good relationship with our kids (we share them one week on, one week off).
Regular Al-Anon and a program of recovery - for YOU - will do you wonders. I would also highly recommend you get a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews - it was a lifesaver for me, and countless others. Your 'confronting' your A about the events can't "cause" her to drink, but it is also unlikely to do her much good, and it almost certainly will cause you increased anxiety and stress.... Time to change things up - the three C's are absolutely true - so taking care of yourself, and getting yourself healthy here (both for your sake, and the sake of your kids) is the key.
I hope you keep coming back - MIP is a very good place
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hope this is relevant. I was a really good rescuer for my wife, did all the good stand up stuff, did an intervention stuck by her, made sure she knew she would always have access to the kids as long as she was sober. Set up boundaries, if she didn't get clean I would have to protect the kids both emotionally and physically. Essentially I worked HER program perfectly the way all the books say it is supposed to be worked.
Last fourth of July, a week or so after her 90 day chip, she was drunk. I told her she needed to leave the house (she has a condo she lives in). I didn't give her any solutions, I didn't give her any ultimatums, she knew she wasn't welcome at the house or with her kids in that condition.
I wish I could say I worked my own program to perfection, but in reality I became obsessive, paranoid, etc., but I kept it to myself and didn't tell her how to fix MY problem.
She missed work on July 5th. She called me said she wanted back on the wagon, I said I'm glad she wanted help I didn't make her feel guilty or tell her what to do, I just told her I didn't have the ability to help her. She went to a meeting that night. She has been clean and is working her way back.
I don't know if she'll stay sober, all I can do is make the best decisions I can when things arise and hope it all works out. I can work on my anxiety when things start to get overwhelming. I need to have confidence in the decisions I make, they have been pretty good for the first 45 years of my life and start to focus on being more calm in response to crisis.
The book that is helping me so much and the pages in that book: One Day at a time in alanon: April 4, July 5, July 14, July 25. Take a look... remember, don't react and remain calm... keep coming :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I've learned in the program that just like I can't stop anyone from drinking if that's what the person wants to do, I also cannot MAKE someone drink. Having a confrontation with someone does not cause someone to drink. The other person may use it as JUSTIFICATION to drink, but a confrontation does not CAUSE a bender. This was an important distinction for me. My sponsor would remind me that if a person wants to get drunk, they will grasp at any justification they can find so that they don't have to take responsibility for the behavior. Blaming the bender on someone or something else is much easier than taking responsibility. My sponsor would remind me that if someone drinks and then blames something I did, the person was going to drink anyway. I wasn't holding the person down pouring the booze down their throat. I didn't MAKE them drink.
In my opinion, talking to someone else's sponsor is not a good idea because it means that I"m getting involved in something that just plain and simple is not my business. It's none of my business whether someone else wants to drink or not. That person is an adult and gets to make their own decisions - regardless of whether I like it or agree. That said, I should certainly get started changing the things I can in the situation - as other people have suggested, finding alternative childcare might be a good start. Although we can't keep our spouses sober, we can certainly make decisions regarding the safety of our children.
The lying during active alcoholism sucks. It's part of the disease. Alcoholics who are drinking and trying to hide it lie. Plain and simple. It's not personal - as you said, she's lying to EVERYONE, not just to you. I guarantee she feels a huge amount of shame about it. Eventually it will all come out. Until then, dig in hard to the support you have for yourself. Leave the problems that are hers with her.
Thanks again for the additional feedback... all very helpful, and I've learned a lot of the same lessons you have... I still worry about confrontation being an excuse for a bender, but now understand it's not causal... as my business partner, who is in AA and sober 10 years told me, an alcoholic would use a broken shoelace as an excuse to drink if they were in the mood... I'm lucky that my mother-in-law works part time and my own mother is retired, so both have been helpful with our kids during stints when my wife is away... it's just hard without the kids' mother at home.. we actually have two sets of twins under 10 years of age, and I can see a psychological toll building with the older ones... again, appreciate all your advice and prayers, and I'll try to keep fighting the good fight... if nothing else, you all have kept me calm and focused at work today, and a lot more productive than I would have been otherwise after finding empty cans in the house last night 80 days into my wife's 11th recovery...
I am sending you courage and support in your journey with alcoholism. I am glad to hear you have family support for your children. My saving grace was face to face meetings and a sponsor. I feel more serene now than ever before and the "Getting Them Sober" series by Toby Rice Drews is also priceless. Keep up the good work!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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