more thoughts on healthy detachment please - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

more thoughts on healthy detachment please

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

When someone is doing something I don't like, I have learned to let go and let God. The Beattles song works for me: "Let it Be". There is nothing I can do about what someone else is doing, but I can change my attitude about it. I can talk to him when he is sober the next day. Talking to him about it while drunk or on pot would be useless. So I wait. Sometimes I do things for me, read or what not, then when my attitude is better and my BODY LANGUAGE is better I can come back to the room. The alcoholic/addict can read you like a book, your body language says all. I now remember from something Jerry said to look him in the eyes, lean in a little, smile and talk to him in a normal tone of voice.
Let go and let god... if you don't have an HP yet, you can simply say "Let Go"....Let it be.... Take care of you :)

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

In recovery, I've discovered that things I thought were boundaries that I'd set were actually designed to get someone to do something. For example, I'd tell my exAH that if he was drinking, I would not go out to dinner with him - and the motivation behind telling him that was really control. I thought if I put a consequence out there, he'd stop the bad behavior. Stuff like that never worked, of course.

Boundaries are for me. I enforce them for my own health and safety - both physical and emotional safety. For example, it is a boundary of mine that I will not get in the car with a drunk person driving. I don't have this boundary so that other people won't drink. I have it to protect myself. I often have to check my motives before I decide upon boundaries, just to make sure that "boundaries" are actually what I'm setting.

In my opinion, if your physical and emotional safety is not in jeopardy by being around someone who is drunk, it may be fine for you. In my experience, the A's in my life were violent and unpredictable. Being around them while they were drinking was not healthy because I did not feel physically and emotionally safe doing it. Not to mention, for the majority of the time I spent around active alcoholism, I did not have a program. Being around active alcoholism with no program of my own meanth that I could not keep from making comments about the drinking, passive agressive attempts to control the drinking, etc. In sum, being around the craziness with no lifeline for myself meant that I just kept practicing crazy stuff too.

For me, if the A's in my life are drunk, physical detachment is a good way to protect myself. However, other alcoholics may act differently when drinking. It's your decision - no one size fits all program here, no black and white, and nobody telling you what "detachment" has to look like to work for you. :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree so much with White Rabbit. I am not in danger with my A, he isn't violent or unpredictable so I can be with him when he drinks, if he drinks. I do have to adjust my attitude sometimes and I find myself being passive agressive sometimes, but little by little I am changing those behaviors. Its something I did all my life. The micro-managing of the significant other in my life. He is an adult. And for me, right now, one day at a time, I can let go and let him be an adult. Thats when I "got" detachment. Its allowing the other person to be themselves. There is a great article about detachment from www.livestrong.com I am not sure if I should post the link, but you can google it, I just typed in LiveStrong Detachment and the link came up. One thing that sticks out for me from that web page is: Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

I hope you keep coming. Getting a sponsor and working the steps are what will help you to feel better and it does work if you work it... HUGS!

Hot Chicka · Veteran Member

Reading through your original message, I am quite sure he knows that you don't like him smoking. From someone who has been there/done that, telling them that we don't like their behavior doesn't change a thing. Remember the 3 C's....you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

As I try to work through my issues, this is what I have decided: If AH does something that endangers me or my children, I will speak up. This is one of my boundaries. Otherwise, it's time for him to be a big boy and deal with the consequences of his decisions. He gets to decide what to put in his body, and even though I don't agree.....it doesn't matter what I think. This may sound very passive, but the truth is that if he gets to own his actions and decisions, then he won't blame them on me ("Well I went out because I was so made that you ______"). I don't have to like it, but I can politely remove myself from the situation knowing that there is nothing I could do about it anyway.

I think detachment is very important, but while I do it I try to remember to do it with respect and courtesy.

My thinking over the years got very warped.... Some days are still pretty twisted. I am trying to realign and put myself first, instead of trying to take care of everyone else.

"Let go, and let God" is a very usefuly slogan to me. I say it over and over and over in my mind, and it brings me peace.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Linda, I think it is good that you will be reading more about what boundries, detachment, etc...are about. I have a feeling that you are doing is really an attempt at "behavior modification" (LOL). Seems logical, but it doesn't work axactly like that.

You will never be able to control his behavior by positive or negative "rewards".

Boundries are for protection of the self only. They are lines which no one is allowed to cross over no matter what. Thus, one must be prepared to enforce them, no matter what. You put yourself in a real trap if you announce a boundry (you don't have to always announce them) that you aren't willing to enforce.

This is a difficult concept to master for any of us. Keep on learning.

In support, Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Tuesday 9th of August 2011 10:04:48 AM

lovee · Member

I am no longer with my A, but while together, with no program, I had many ideas on how I could respond to his smoking and drinking. In looking back, I realize that all my "moves" were to try to get him to stop doing what he was doing, it wasn't for me.

Although we are no longer together, we have a child together and still have to communicate. For a year we did the co-dependent dance. And finally, after some more al- anon, I began to see a little deeper into my actions. I started to feel out what a boundary was, it was for me.

For example, he now has a girlfriend and began sending me numurous messages about their love life and sending me pictures of them. I requested he stop sending me personal messages and keep our correspondance about our son only. He continued to send more messages. And I realized that they were disturbing me at work and afffecting my day-to-day life. I blocked his phone. But it wasn't a punishment, which it would have been in the past, it was for me.

It felt different inside, I wasn't concerned about how he was responding to the blocked phone, I was merely protecting my serenity and my day. It was monumental for me.

Good luck! I am new at all this, but I am learning and growing one day at a time.

luv luv luv

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))

So Glad your Here ;) Lots of GOOD Stuff above & A GREAT Topic... When I 1st got to the Program I had JUST lost my Afather to Alcohol at 58, and i have a Younger Brother That was trying to Fill those Shoes UP! It was So bad that The Nght My AFather Passed, He Abrother Broke into the Home just to Steal the 3/4 full Vodka Bottle that Dad Took his Last Breathe with... I Joined Al-anon THINKING.... I Could Save Him... I'll Go In... Take in their Info, and Save him and Hit the Road! So Very Much NOT how it Worked out...lol... but Much Better...

Detachment & Boundry's Go Hand in Hand in my Program...And Like Otie Mentioned... ALOT Of My boundry's I Don't Tell Anyone... But ME! I know in my Head & My Heart What I CAN Tolerate, & What To Me Is Unacceptable, so as long as they don't Cross that line, there is No Since in me Beatin it into their Head My Boundrys... ( I Am Surrounded by Alcoholics/Addicts)

I Remember how My (Cody) Mom Would Call My Abrother & Scream At him for everything that she Found Out/ or Hunted Down about the Wrong he had done, and the Dumb things she Heard.. ANd My God What would People Think!!! My Mom is a Bit of "Drama Magnet" and for Most of my Childhood she taught me to treat him the same way & myself!!! Needless to say, My Baby Abrother has Never had a Self esteem, Nor has the Rest of us... Mine is Slowly coming back thanks to This Program! BUT... After I was awhile, My Abrother Called all Pissed off because Mom was Calling Work to Find out if he was showin up on time or if at all, she would call the bar and check on him, Find out Who was Taking him Home from the Bars (He had 4 DUI's no license) Let me Now Add... At the Time He was 28!!! NOT Living at Home, And OUT on his Own, with His OWN Family!!!

I Sat Her Down one day After he Lost it on her... And all I Said (Because She ASK) Was... MOM... Abrother KNOWS What he Does, HE DID IT! He Knows When he don't Go to work, He Risk Loosing his Job, He knows when He gets in the Car with someone just as Drunk as him, He is Putting himself in danger, He Knows when He don't Pay his Bills The Lights go out! You Don't Need to Remind him! So as She was Gettin More Ticked at me for being so Level Headed about something that had her All Worked up, I said... Can You Do me (1) Favor... Can You Go (2) Weeks without Saying (1) Negative thing to him and Just see where it leads... It was Tough, She Struggled bad, and I'm Sure Cheated a time or too, At the End of the 2wks, I Ask her if SHE Noticed a Differance, and Tho He didn't Quit his Drinking, She Seen that she could talk to him without mentioning his Drinking and they could still enjoy each others company... She Hasn't Mastered it these last 3 yrs, but she is getting better...

I'm Guessin that your AH already Knows you don't like His Smokin... And thats Good, but What you Choose to Do with your Days, and Your Time is Truly up to you... If You can Look Past his Addiction and Enjoy a Day that You so Deserve, without judgement or Condemnation Great, If you are not in Danger when He is Smokin and Keep yourself Mentally & Physically & some times Spiritaully Safe that I Say Go for it! ENJOY ... I know when I Got Here I wasn't sure after Looking at myself if I Could stay Married to my Husband, If I Could Live the Life we had for so long and Just Be OK with it, But I have Learned that Thru Changing ME for the Better, I Now am Open to Seeing the Changes he is now trying to make as well...Not because i Ask him too, but because I think at times he Envy's My New Outlook, My New Hope & Zest for Life, and the fact that I know longer Brow Beat him with everything he Already Knows about himself... I am Now Able to See what Made me Fall in Love with him from the start, I Focused on his Good...Told him "Job well Done" when He helped me Clean House, Or Do Dishes, Or He just was Thoughtful and ask me to join him, or took me to dinner & I have even Learned to Love To Hear Him Sing "DUMB" Songs in the shower Every morning, lol... and Left the Rest to the God Of my Understnading!

You Will See Change, It will Be like a Roller Coaster at times, but I Learned here, that i can Stop the Coaster Anytime I want and Jump off! Even if it wasn't what I Use to Do! I have Posted this Everywere I Can and that is:

"NOTHING Changes... If NOTHING Changes!!" For Me Once that Sunk, I Realized, The Change I Needed was in Me!

Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest... KEEP COMING BACK!!!
Friends In Recovery

Jozie

oldgraduate · Senior Member

Linda - I too am learning healthy detachment. And its HARD!! But there is lots of good advice here so keep reading and get to a F2F meeting if you can. Listen and then ask questions if you want. I can only think of one healthy detachment I have been able to set with my AH so far. That is the fact that if we are going somewhere and I know my AH is going to drink, I take my own car. It is a win win because I am safe and I can leave when I have had enough or need to get away before I am combative. Otherwise I just use healthy detachment as a way to work on me. Reading, listening to music, exercising, calling a friend. All of these are escapes but also ways to detach from a situation that isn't what we approve of or healthy for us. I hope to keep learning everyday more about this because in the past my detachment was a form of punishment, or so I thought. Ended up only punishing me by keeping me isolated, left out or making me feel bitter. So hang in there.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was thinking more about it.

It's a disease. How can we be mad at them for having a disease with some awful symptoms? Sure we hate cancer, diabetes, ms etc but we don't hate the person. We don't ignore them if their symptoms are hard to take.

I hate addiction. I hate the behavior. But I know that if that person feels safe around me, does not feel judged or hated, they are human, they most times will be pretty nice to be around.

I shared how I delt with thing that were not appropriate. He never knew I was leaving the room or whatever was becuz of his disease. I still kissed him,hugged him.

They honestly are basically retarded. Their brains are very compromised. The stopped maturing at what ever age they started using.

We have to decide if we can accept them as is, not judge them or tell them what to do.

Can we separate our loved one from the thing that holds them hostage?

My ex AH has multiple personality disorder. He was horribly abused by dad. He had one person who when things got too much he ran and hid. Another he was just like his dad, mean, horrible, abusive.There was a teen boy, unsure, different mannerisms, there was a very young confused kid who' answer was always,"I don't know." Then there was my husband. Also the scared, shy, insecure kid who had been drafted.

I was so glad for Al anon tools as I knew him like no one else could. I read 1Corinthians 4-8 and realized what I had for him was pure love. still do but like I shared, all that is left of him is in my heart.

Believe me it will hit you and you will "get it." Glad you are here. love,deb

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

wow
I am kinda lost for words
Everything that was said here is what was going through my mind.
I felt like the things I was doing was what i was 'supposed' to do but somehow they left a bad taste in my mouth
Yes yes yes, Iam behaviour modifying (did I mention I am a Drug and Alchol Nurse/Counsellor in my professional role) and CBT is one of my areas of expertise. I would never tell one of my clients to walk out if the behaviour was acceptable, but for me, I thought that was ok!!! Man I need help hahahahaha.

What I read here today may very well have saved many areas of my life. Again we talked calmly about it last night and he felt I was being 'hostile' the other day. I said but I read a book and went to sleep, how was that hostile??? Its the body language isn't it. I felt he had to be 'told' that it isn't right.
I am soooo glad that I can challenge my beliefs, that I have enough insite to know that I am not always thinking in a healthy manner.
I think if I had not gone to Al Anon with my Mum when I was young, not gotten into the area of profession that I am in,... I would be dead by now via suicide.

I know enough to question that I don't know enough.

You guys are awesome.
You found me... love your work
Debilyn... your pretty cool
Otie... that was great

Over night I was so looking forward to see what help was being put out by the universe while I slept over here in Oz and you guys are up and busy....
I also thought to myself.. ya know.. what he does during the day when I am not around is none of my business really is it. Who the hell do I think I am .. his mother...
(yes)
As I read all of the above.. the knot in my stomach unwound that bit more..... my feelings were right.. I was doing it wrong... I am allowed to be happy and live with a pot smoker... the universe will not cave in

My higher power is the universal vibration and its influence (bit wickan I know, sorry if you find that evil), and here is how she worked for me..... Yesterday afternoon I got home early.. I checked to see if he had smoked that day.. I don't know but I think he didn't... this got me wound up that I didn't KNOW... I had been extremely depressed all day.. crying most of the day behind my closed door at work and sitting on this board seeking help to get some sanity... When I got home and I spirraled, I went to get a Valium which I had been prescribed for anxiety many moons ago and I take maybe once ayear. This year I have taken quite a few more than that.. Ijust needed to stop my brain, but I knew it was a defeatist response and I just felt bad and didn't want to 'deal'. At the very time I opened the drawer, a horn beeped outside, it was the postal parcel delivery van... what was he dropping off... the ACoA books I bought from Amazon!!!!!!
I sat adn read instead.
The universe will protect me... with help from you guys

-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 9th of August 2011 04:36:53 PM

GreenK · Veteran Member

Great question! I struggle with this as well in my relationship with my AH. I'm printing out the responses for deep study this evening.

I got a lot out of the Alanon book: The Dilemma of and Alcoholic Marriage. (substitute Pot Smoking...)

Can you elaborate on why you haven't started attending face-to-face Alanon or NA meetings? I think we all have excuses that delay our own recovery. I did for years but I've made wonderful progress over the last 7 months.

I just read in "How Alanon Works" that your HP can be described as Universal Love, among many other terms so it's a term and is up to you.

Thanks again!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Green K
If you would like me to elaborate on my not attenidng meetings I will. I have elaborated on this several times but in other posts.
I live in a small city in the tropical north of the Northern Territory in Australia. There is a choice of 2 Al Anon meetings at night in my city. One meeting at night for ACoA.
At this point in time, I am unable to attend those meetings at the time and location. Ihave enquired about lunch time meetings but there aren't any in my city.
I would like to use the online meetings, however I believe the time difference between my city and this forum in America, means that they are on during the night for me.
At this point I am not comfortable sitting in an online meeting overnight at home. Also, unfortunately, my internet connection at home is very tenuous and tends to drop out frequently, again because of where I live.
During the day, I am at work and I can access the internet. I am not supposed to be on this type of forum, but I am willing to take that chance of getting into trouble with incorrect use of government internet.
HOwever that means I can't access the chat rooms as I cannot download the program it uses. It is blocked by my government department.

I have made contact with a lady who attends Al Anon in my city and asked her about meetings.

At this point in time, this forum is what I have and I am trying to work with that.

I do hope that helps explain my current situation.
Perhaps they are excuses, but that is what I have to work with currently and I am getting a lot out of this forum as I can access it at anypoint in time during my day.... probably while you guys sleep for most of it.....

MOrnings are my worst time for my anxiety and my mind playing tricks on me, and I reall ylike waking up to all your wonderful posts and it really helps me put my day into a good place. I have only beenhere a very short time, but it is working for me at this point.
That may change in teh future of course.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

White Rabbit

Thankyou so much. My past has always been full of abuse and violence of some sort. My ex husband wasn't abusive, he was a sex addict and that has 'other sorts of abuse' connected to it. I think during that relationship I had a break from the physical violence and now in this relationship.... I am moving forward and learning even more.

When my husband has a smoke, he is not violent, he is not verbally abusive, he does not say nasty things. In fact, he says nothing. When he is working around the house fixing things up or doing gardening, he will have a smoke and 'buzz' while he is doing the work. He is happy doing things this way because it makes him happy. I am still getting the jobs around the house done aren't I???

When he is stoned he will sit and play his guitar. He will sit and watch TV. He will do it before work and be stoned at work, not when he is home with me. He will come home from work during the day if he is on a jobsite and have a buzz while doing his job. This does not effect me either does it?? HOw can it, I am not even there.

By the time he gets home he is tired, he may not want to do anything, but he can be like that if he isn't smoking. He has two jobs and both are physically demanding. He starts his first job at 6am till 730, comes home, (does what he does) and I go to work at 8. He then goes to his second job from about 930 till 430. We go to bed about 9ish most nights.

He does not very often smoke at home after work with me. It is usually on the weekends. Which I say is when I want him to be him, not stoned husband. He smokes if he goes fishing or hunting. I am not there then, so how can that effect me?? It can't can it???

So..... if he chooses to have a smoke, when he is around me... is not abusive, is not mean to me, does not display unacceptable behaviour.... why do I think I must remove myself??? I am not sure.

If I take out all the other times he smokes, and only look at the times he does it aorund me, when it has an effect on me, it is not all that often. It is on the weekends and usually only one smoke (mostly because he works on the Saturday).

If I can accept that fact, and still be able to have a laugh with him, enjoy his company stoned or straight..... wow... that is a brand new concept.

If I stop trying to make him conform to what I think a 'good marriage' is supposed to look like, and believe that I have not 'stuffed up again' by being with yet another addict.... perhaps we can stay married and actually be happy.

My mind returns to.... but why should he be able to 'get away with it'. How dare he be allowed to do whatevr he wants when ever he wants.... hmmmmm... after being reminded of so many things on this site... I'm remembering... "he is who he is..." I feel resentment from other people maybe in my past and I am taking it out on him and reliving past pains through him.

May be I need to take a leaf out of his book and do whatever I want when ever I want regardless of if he likes it or not.

I asked him last night why he continues to do something even if he knows it causes an argument... and he said, "Cos I want to" If you didn't react to it, it wouldn't cause an argument... and I nearly laughed cos I thought ya know what... you are right.

I also thought... what he does when I am not around is none of my business

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Linda, I can see as clear as day that you are in a great battle within yourself. After carefully reading all of your posts I hava a couple of questions if you are willing to indulge me:

Way, way, down deep, what do you really want?---and, what are you the most afraid of?

You don't have to answer this to me, of course, but, I suggest these are questions I have asked myself when I have felt very tortured inside. You may not have the answers right away, but asking yourself may give you a direction.

Keep striving---keep questioning---eventually, the universe will come to your call.

In support, Otie

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Otie
Yes I have a huge battle in my head and heart and gut every day. Every time I wake up it starts, and when I am asleep, it is in my dreams

My initial answer to the question posed is.... .
I want him to do what I damn well tell him to do and be happy about it... ahhhh hahahahaahahaa.. (I hope you see that as a superficial comment that is not a deep down truth)

contentment is what I really want. To have an inner calm and be happy. Have a 'normal' life. Whats Normal I hear you say.. who knows... one thought is.. "Normal' people don't smoke pot, they don't drink to excess, they don't try to control their partners, they weren't abused as children, they haven't been bashed and raped by the very people that say they love them... I want to be 'normal'. I want my day to be predictable. I want to know that each day I will go home to a loving husband who is not stoned.
The fact is, I go home to a loving husband even if he is stoned. But I can't seem to get it through my skull that what I am living is allowed to be 'normal'. I have never been normal so what is that exactly?????? Is this 'normal'?????? Can I allow it to be as normal as life will ever be, as anyones life is????

What am I most afraid of... that is the hard one.. last night my husband said that I am scared of the pot. He is right. I think I may be scared of losing control. That is the issue. when he smokes pot I am not in control of his behaviour.

so..... I want to be able to say.. my husband smokes pot.. so what, we have a great life
But I am s**t scared that this means I have no control

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it was unpleasant being around my husband when he was under the influence (of either alcohol or drugs). Alcohol or drugs change their behavior. They change the way they relate to other people. They're in their own little world. They might be talking or joking or whatever, but it's like they're tuning in from another planet. It's weird to be around. For me it certainly doesn't qualify as intimacy. So my husband would want to go out to dinner and he'd be a little zonked out, and it just wasn't acceptable to me. He wouldn't really be paying attention to me, he would miss things I said, he wouldn't pick up on details, he was a little forgetful... This was when he was "just" a little drunk or stoned, not even enough so that anyone else would notice. But I knew what he was like when he was sober, and this wasn't it. It was a little like trying to talk to someone with headphones on -- his attention was really elsewhere.

I don't think you have to like being with your husband when he's under the influence if you don't feel like it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not finding it workable.

For me, acknowledging that addiction was destroying our relationship was a big stride forward for me. It didn't help anything to get all worked up about it in his face. But that didn't mean I had to be okay with being around him when he was using. For my own peace of mind, it was better for me to do something to take care of myself. Different people may have different reactions, of course. Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

But I am s***t scared if I say this I have no control .. made me smile . your absolutley right you dont .. the only control you have is over yourself and your reaction to what is going on around you .. He smokes pot its what he does to make it thru the day .. Acceptance works , you dont have to like whats going on or agree with it you just have to accept you can't change it. A friend of mine says you have 2 choices You accept it or leave it , if you cant leave it you damn well better find a way to accept it .. it works for me . Louise

odalis · Veteran Member

wow Linda, I just want to say thank you for sharing. I find myself struggling with the same internal questions you have and at first I thought I could never be happy with my husband drinking. We have good days and we have bad days, but now for me a bad day is I don't get to do anything with him and I feel lonely, wheras before, a bad day was we'd argue for trhee hours, he's sleep on the couch or leave, and I cried for another two hours until I fell asleep. I am learning how to not do all of that and I am becomming more grateful for the small things he does for me because I understand a little better that sometimes he WANTS to do these things, but the alcohol doesn't let him. I know when he has had too many beers and is getting drunk, instead of giving him an attitude, I give him a kiss and whisper to him that maybe he should get to bed. It's his choice if he wants to or not, and most of the time he doesn't! I am taking it one day at a time. the other day when I provoked an arguement, I posted on here and someone said "Progress not perfection". I'm trying to remember that, although I still haven't grasped teh idea of boundaries completely. I now know that I can be happy even if he has had a few beers as long as he is not being violent. (he is never physically violent, although there was a lot of emotional stuff name calling going on when we would argue) Thank you so much for sharing. I thoroughly enjoyed reading all your posts and everyone elses.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Mattie

Yes it is like talking to someone with headphones on you are right there.

I can't say I have the answers yet, but I am trying out new ideas.

At this stage, I am trying to find a happy medium. I get angry that he is smoking evenwhen I am not around him. Through what I am reading on this site, and some futher inner delving.. I am thinking I may not have that right to be angry at what he does when it does not directly effect me. Iam not even there and I have the poos on that he is stoned. Do I have the right to control what he does when it does not directly effect me? Probably not. That is probably control.

This is a work in progress

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

why am I written on here as a 'veteran' member.. what does that mean??????
Its under my pic

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

site just sets different titles to how many things you have responded to. means nothing. I quit awhile and came back so mine started over.

In reality I have about 5,000 I think.

hugs! debilyn

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow Linda, I haven't gotten on MIP much lately and I am glad I read your post today. I can relate to you lots. My mom smokes pot and my exAH whom I just divorced drank and I spent all my life trying to control them so my life could be normal. I am reading "Perfect Daughters" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. right now and it is helping me see the why's of my childhood and I am able to be more understanding with myself. I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that helped me deal with my latching on too tightly and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me to see my A more clearly and I say all of these and many other books have helped me grow beyond my dreeams in such a short time. I am immensley grateful for MIP and my face to face meetings and my sponsor. Without Al-anon I would still be stuck in crazy land 24/7. I read "Courage to Change" and "Hope For Today" daily reader's in the morning to start my day out right too. This program is a life saver and I love the serenity it has brought me. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.