The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling uneasy and fearful, my boyfriend and childs father is an alcoholic and claims he wants to quit drinking but he is at a bar with friends, and to me that is a danger zone. He has lied about drinking recently and I am fearful he will tonight , and sad because i will have to end the relationship. I cannot sleep, and have no one to talk to. I feel paranoid and constantly fearful he will drink.. how do I deal or get rid of these feelings.. or should I get rid of him? I feel hurt, and like I cannot trust him.
here at MIP we do not give advice just our experiences! I have too dealt with the same situation. Just know that its a disease and that he can not help himself. he is not intentionally lying to you! For the Most part, I have learned that you can not trust an A and you can not cure an A either! He has to want to do it for himself not anyone else! Help wont help him unless he really truely wants the help! keep coming back and go to some face to face meetings! Just know that you are not alone in this! we here at MIP are here to help and talk to !!!!
Hi. I can relate to those feelings of powerlessness. If you are not yet a member of Alanon, you will come to understand that step one of the 12 step program is admitting we are powerless over the alcoholic and our lives had become unmanageable. It was situations much like the one you are experiencing, that brought me to Alanon in the first place. I always felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and had to somehow figure out how to control the chaos of what had become my life.
Further along I realized that there was no controlling the chaos. The A in my life would do what he was going to do whether I gave myself ulcers with worrying or not. He would drink, whether I wanted him to or not. His promises would be broken, whether I screamed, tantrumed, cried, worried, threatened, tore myself apart or not. What I came to understand is that all i can control is myself. Really. All I have control over is myself. And once I understood that, I was able to start making some decisions based on me and my needs, rather than making decisions based on trying to prompt a certain response out of him.
You've come to the right place. There are a tonne of smart experienced people here who can share their experiences, strength and hope with you and help keep you standing, when your legs are a little wobbly!!
Hi! Welcome. Sending (((hugs))) your way. You have come to the right place! and if you don't already go to Alanon face to face meetings, I suggest you do, they are a tremendous help!
I was also struggling and suffereing in the manner you are, except my AH (Alcoholic husband) wouldn't go out, he would drink himself to oblivion at home. That was a killer for me and I was driving myself crazy, asking the same question you are...do I leave him. But here we won't tell you what to do with HIM. We will tell you that Alanon helps YOU get better so that you learn about the disease and what can make you happy. Alanon helps you steer away from the obsessive behaviors and the disease that are controlling your life. We learn we cannot trust an alcoholic, they will lie, and they will drink and we cannot do anything about it. Step 1 says we admitted we are powerless over the disease and our lives have become unmanageable. It was hard for me at first, but take a good look at your life and you will come to realize how unmanageable it has become. We are powerless, Alanon teaches us that
Remember, you did not cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. The three Cs. They helped me tremendously the first three weeks I was at Alanon. Only been here for about two months, but I have learned so much already. ((((HUGS)))) and keep coming!
Hugs and welcome, you've already gotten a ton of great ESH!! I really can't add anymore to what has already been shared. Yes, the disease lies, and will continue to lie to get what it wants more of the addiction it craves. Something I have come to realize is that I was the one who was causing myself more pain than the lies of the disease. I bought into them. I tried to rationalize with an irrational disease. I expected to be told the truth. I would set us both up to ask questions I already knew the answers to. A famous example, him: Honey I'm going to my friends. me: Um, ok I guess. What are you guys going to do? him: Play video games don't worry I won't drink. me: thinking ok I guess I can believe me. The reality of the situation, .. by 11pm his phone was shut off because he was drinking and of course he got home I raged. It's a terrible vicious cycle that only damaged our relationship further. It stopped when I stopped asking the questions I already knew the answers to. I stopped trying to nail jello to a tree (it's an old midwest saying .. lol), I stopped expecting to hear the truth because lies are a tool of deflection. (I love love love the word deflection .. LOL)
I always say I crawled into Alanon my first meeting under pain and stress, now I can even expound on it further than I already have, which is I was pulling two (I used to say 1) baggage trains, mine and my AH's .. the first meeting I was at least able to release most of my A's baggage train. 8 months later I am pretty near if not let go of his stuff. It's not mine to carry. It took crawling into alanon for that process to start. With the first meeting my life started changing for the better. It started with hope that I could get better and not have to live in his disease.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I really can relate to your post today. You are amongst true friends that understand your problems as few others could.
You did not say whether or not you currently or have attended face to face meetings of Alanon. For me it was a tremendous help being in face to face meetings with people who have walked the same walk as I have. There is warmth, peace, acceptance, and understanding there that I have found in no other place.
