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This week it seems like lots of us are having issues with seeing how far we've really come, and I just wanted to share my AHA moment .. lol.
Kats post got me thinking about my house and the fact I've been acting out in a different way. I need to see some outside changes, no blonde hair for me this time around .. lol .. however I could use a clean house. My maid has the week off, strike that, they've been off the last year off ... lol .. j/k. This week wasn't a bad week it was just an emotionally shocking week. As far as where I was at, .. and I felt like WOW .. why do I feel so mixed up. I feel like I've come a long way and yet I was doubting myself and my progress.
The CTC daily reader has a reading about a woman who cleans her fridge and realizes that if she just did one thing at a time that maybe that's just how easy the program is, one day at a time. I am so that lady today.
I now have a clean fridge which feels really good and as I was deep cleaning my kitchen found things that my A has shoved into cupboards and up on shelves I can't get to without getting a step stool. What a shock .. things he lied about last year. What do you know my A lies .. and I'm so not shocked.
This was my AHA moment though, as crazy as this last week has been for me with conflicting emotions. Here I find this stuff that I know he lied about, and instead of having the empty pit in my stomach feeling I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel disconnected, which was huge! Thank you PinkChip you got me to thinking. I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel angry, I didn't feel victimized, I didn't have to think about it either.
Normally, I really have to focus on my emotions and rationalize them out with slogans and so on. This time I did not have to do that, what a great feeling!!! Now I'm thinking here I had my emotionally UGH moment last week and it was so not fun. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought I was, ... I am working like crazy not to go back there again. I got an AHA moment today. I feel soooo much better today too!! It was way to neat though to think WOW .. I really HAVE come further than I thought or was feeling last week.
I have a f2f meeting tomorrow night and I so plan on going to that, .. I am learning that one step forward doesn't mean two steps back. Sometimes it's half a step back and another step forward. :)
Hugs :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Glad I could encourage you to clean the house Pushka.... feel free to be encouraged enough to come clean mine as well!! LOL
(((hugs)))
LOL .. I was hoping someone would offer to help me dig out my bedroom next!! I'll cheer you on while you clean .. LOL!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for the share I do realize when I get cleaning my house within, my actual house gets cleaner with the energy I have. Thanks for the reminder to stick to my program so everything else will fall into place. Keep up the good work!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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Pushka thank you for the encouragement. How long did it take to reach that point of feeling ... nothing? I look forward to that!
I didn't have to talk myself down. WOW!! That is so big for me it is .. I'm always in my head! It's a reminder to me of where I was at a year ago (hot mess) and for today (yesterday as it is .. lol) I was able to just allow things to flow. It was just so nice (and unnatural .. seriously not a normal thing for me) not to have to feel the need to call him and say ok what is this and why did I just find it, why did you lie to me. I have a few other favs I could throw the guilt out, I can be a truly amazing manipulator. I have felt like the Muhamad Ali of master manipulators. Fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee, only I could do so much more than that, I don't have a catchy rhyme. It was more like stomp on your heart, rip out eat it, stick it back in and feel totally rational doing it. See .. no catchy rhyme. So not pretty like a butterfly and bumble bee, it was a very ugly process and it left a lot of damage. I will be making a lot of amends. That's ok, (even though it's not pretty and I'm not proud of that), it's part of why I need to continue my healing.
My A yes, he has some things to deal with is a mild way to put it. I am not feeling the need to carry them as well as my own stuff. It's to heavy and it doesn't help either of us. It wasn't nothing as my last week experience, I was just ok. I didn't feel one way or the other, however I knew I was ok. I even felt a little sad for him. I know he doesn't have to carry this stuff around this way and he can get rid of it. I can't do it for him.
It's been a long time coming. I'm ready for more now .. wow am I ready for some more!! It started with the f2f meetings at the end of December 2010, without those I would not be where I am at this weekend. It took me having to be willing to do the work, accept the first 3 steps and start forcing myself no matter how embarrassed I feel in a group situation, no matter how much foot in mouth disorder I suffer from (I'm my own worse enemy at times .. lol), to just keep going. Now I'm actively looking for a sponsor, I'm actively making meetings a priority, because I'm really needing to do a step 4 and I'm wanting sooo bad to continue on the path of healing I have going on. The sharing I do on the board is actually kind of selfish on my part. I can own that big time. I get so much more than I give. As I type, I have those little aha moments, so yes I respond a lot to people, part of that reason is because without everyone here reading, typing, sharing .. I really would not be where I am at today. It would have taken me even longer to get to this place of, no matter what, I'm not alone and I'm going to be ok.
I used to really be uncomfortable with the saying "It works if you work it." That bothered me, now I realize for me it's totally true. If I don't do the work then it's not going to work. If I want to continue on my healing work, I have to keep going forward and doing the work it's a never ending process. We are all just works in progress, continuing to move forward and learn. It's what being a human being is all about, .. well to me it is at least. We are built to evolve emotionaly, mentally, spiritually and physically. Again to me that's how I feel.
I have made a very consious decision not to live in my old emotional house. I'm not renting the house, it's up for demolition. Whatever house I live in next I get to design it and decorate it. It won't have the focal point of pain, disappointment and anxiety or the trappings of the past. I get to decorate it the way I want to. I want the house I live in emotionally to be decorated with a lot more joy, happiness, laughter, fun and serinity, yes there will be pain, disappointment, anger and even anxiety, the past is not always a bad thing, .. it doesn't have to be the focal point of my emotional house.
And ... away she goes with talking to much .. LOL!! See I type and I just don't know when to stop. I'm sure I"ll slip I just know even with a slip it's going to be ok. I can still move forward and I don't have to stay there anymore and that's a really good feeling. Of course I want everyone to share the same experience (now .. lol) and everyone will it will just be their own in their own time. There is so much more hope and it's so important to know there is hope even in the darkest of situations.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thats just awesome Pushka :) Great awareness and good thoughts :) I was actually going to clean my fridge out today, and I read that C2C reading too the other day thinking the same thing! LOL... Great minds... You don't talk too much, its good to hear from someone who is being positive so that we can all help ourselves to be positive and change. On ward and up ward :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Congratulations and way to tackle cleaning inside and out. I love these posts. Since my AH walked out (4 days ago now) I have a made a new, simple cleaning list each day with like 3 things on it so I have the joy of crossing something off afterwards...and 3 things is do-able. I used a lint roller to clean my lampshades yesterday I also put positive things like, "take kids bike riding" so each day I have a plan to get me through (I know I am a control freak) but otherwise I would sit here tormenting myself.
Pushka, when you mentioned finding those hidden things, it brought me right back. I remember finding gum and clear-eyes up in a high place once and I left it there but put a sticky note with a sad face on it. Hahaha...queen of passive agressive (no more...!)
I don't know if this is totally relative, but the Under Armour brand has a slogan "Protect This House". While I realize that may be for a sporting team or athlete, I think it applies to me too. I am the house, I need to protect myself. Not so much FROM the Afiance, but protection in general. From the world, from my own self-doubt and pity. Only I can control me. Only I can better myself.
Just thought that might resonate with others, too.
This week wasn't a bad week it was just an emotionally shocking week. As far as where I was at, .. and I felt like WOW .. why do I feel so mixed up. I feel like I've come a long way and yet I was doubting myself and my progress. 
See I type and I just don't know when to stop. 
Of course I want everyone to share the same experience (now .. lol) and everyone will it will just be their own in their own time. There is so much more hope and it's so important to know there is hope even in the darkest of situations. 
I also put positive things like, "take kids bike riding" so each day I have a plan to get me through (I know I am a control freak) but otherwise I would sit here tormenting myself.