The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope you all are doing as well as possinle. I have been really good and of course I am questioning if really good is real or if I have taken detachment so far that nothing touches me.
I have finished my summer classes. Sent a letter to the officials about a grade I am not happy with due to my own performance but also due to the lack of interaction with the instructor. And let it go, realizing a B will not kill me.
My brother has issues with my vision and taking care of his children with no basis for the fear. I have expressed that I manage to keep a dog, 3 cats and myself from harm daily, that I am offended that he thinks I would take what eyes I have off of his children for a moment while in my care and my desire to spend time with his children so they can understand my vision and we can build a working relationship. And let it go.
My mom wants to cure the world of all the evils she sees. Part of this curing is venting to me. I have tried to explain Einstein's defintion of insanity to her. I have set my boundary of how much I will listen to. I have even, and yes I felt guilty about it, told her I was ashamed of her after hearing her express the thought of "it's no wonder he drinks if she acts like that". Reminding her of how much that hurt me when my exAH's family decided I was the cause. And let it go.
My exAH has been told that I will not tolerate his questions about my dating life. And that if it continues our communication will end. And that I am not interested in recovering our previous relationship. And, NO, he can not live with me for 30 days after his halfway house stint is over. And let it go.
I have found a support group for Devic's disease. This is pretty cool, there are roughly 3000 of us in the USA and this group has 1200 members, which I think is a great ratio. Since this is a way of taking care of myself I do not think my HP minds if I use the tools provided and not quite turn it all over :)
And now here I sit, 2 weeks off school, 3 days off work and this is the very first day since September of 2010 that I have not one thing I absolutely have to do. Most of the people in my life I want to be around do not know how to interact with me anymore because I do not want to gossip, solve other's problem but offer no help and participate in dysfunction. So I am going to clean my poor neglected house, give a moostiff a bath and pamper myself. Tomorrow I am going to get up early and go to the art museum and then come home and work on a collage project I started a while ago. But I feel strange like these people's problems should affect me more than they do. I guess maybe old habits die hard?
Thanks for listening
Jen
-- Edited by Jennifer on Saturday 6th of August 2011 12:59:53 PM
I don't think healthy detachment can go too far - it ends up being a bit of a balancing act, as often times we need to be reminded "do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?". For our A's, there is a term - "stark raving sober", and I suppose we could occasionally be accused of the same thing...
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Your question made me laugh as I have asked the same question a few times myself . Detachment is so freeing , remember we are used to chaos so it feels wierd .. I feel sometimes we can carry detachment a little too far so every once in awhile I sit down and ask myself * is there something I should be looking at here* sometimes yes most of the time no .. Balance is always something I struggle with when making changes usually I go over board with a new attitude and have to come back and find the balance . It sounds to me like your doing just fine but a little reality check occasionally is a good thing . Louise
Hugs and thank you so very much for the share. It balances the act I've been doing this week. I only hope I can get as far as you can. :)
Great way to work the program :)
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear Jennifer---first of all, it is good to hear from you again.
I think I get what yo are asking...My answer I YES---sometimes. " Would you rather be right or be happy" seems to be a very popular question these days--I think it was popularized from Dr. Phil.
I don't think anyone should abandon their core values or inner voices in order to "get along" with someone else. I also think that "going along to get along" is SOMETIMES a sigh of having a poor sense of self. Tolerating dysfunctional behavior or destructive behavior of other people under the guise of "detachment" I think is self destructive.
I see detachment as a process only to protect the self. I believe that it takes courage, sometimes, to protect the self. It isn't always comfortable or pretty and cometimes causes conflict. Sometimes one has to walk thru pain in order to protect the self. For example: Leaving a painful, soul-sucking relationship in order to be yourself and find find your own peace-of-mind.
To me, detachment is so close to setting inner boundries. I believe that detachment is necessary in some situations to protect the self and other times it can actually cause damage.
Jennifer, I am just adding my 2 cents. Yours is an interesting post and a very deep subject!!
I spent some time thinking about my motives in each situation. I am not fulfilling a need to be right. I know my performance in the class was hindered by the instructor's lack of interaction but I do not expect to change his methods or my grade ... only to document a factor for the slip in GPA. I do not think there is a right or wrong answer for the situations with my brother and mom, I do not want to change the way either of them care about people and the world. And even with my exAH, right or wrong, my boundaries are what I am comfortable with. I care enough about each of these particular people to be as honest as I can be about situations that are hurting me or them, not hold resentment from feeling trampled on when I did nothing to state my wishes and I have no expectations of anyone. I do have hopes ... to see my mom at peace, for my brother to find confidence in my abilities, for my exAH to respect my boundaries but if none of them happen I will still be living my life.
Otie wrote "I don't think anyone should abandon their core values or inner voices in order to "get along" with someone else. I also think that "going along to get along" is SOMETIMES a sigh of having a poor sense of self. Tolerating dysfunctional behavior or destructive behavior of other people under the guise of "detachment" I think is self destructive." And I did that alot. Sometimes to just get along, keep it calm, avoid conflict and other times in ways I could later use as manipulation. So I am grateful for this change in my behavior and at the same time I do not want to swing too far in the opposite direction :)
Louise wrote "remember we are used to chaos so it feels wierd" Ain't that the truth ... I even pondered the thought that because I said what I meant without being mean and stayed detached that I needed to create this chaos of wondering if it went too far to replace the "normal" chaos. Progress.
