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So i trusted my A to go to a concert tonight...he said he wouldnt drink and that he loved me... he came home from the concert after drinking once again... telling me im a horrible parent and telling me that i dont do anything , im lazy, i sit on my a** eating junk food and not going to the gym! what did i ever do to him to deserve this!! i have to be to work at 7 am and im not going to get any sleep because of this... he thinks its no big deal because it was only 2-3 drinks... 1 drink is too much for him ... y does he hate me so much that he would keep saying these thinngs to me and doing this... hes threatening to leave and take our daugter... :( i dont know what to do and how much more i can take... its making my daily life impossible.. i feel like i dont even deserve to be here anymore and that maybe i am a horrible parent and that my kids will b better off if i left... :(
Have you been to a f2f alanon meeting yet? It's so important to know you aren't alone. 3 C's you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control the addition and you will not cure it.
Yes, addicts lie because it's part of the disease. It helps them deflect and stay in their world of denial. With my A I know not to ask questions that I already know the answers to. If he goes with a specific group of friends I know he's going to drink because that's what they do. It's ALL that they do. At least now I don't torture myself with the idea that I'm going to ask him knowing the answer in my heart, head and be lied to, it took the pressure off of me and the guilt off of him. Some of the stuff was totally stupid too. Did you take out the trash for the garbage truck? Yeah I did. I would see the trash and know he was lying and I called him knowing this .. LOL .. I look back and think what was I thinking and what in the world was my motive for even asking such a stupid question? It has nothing to do with the trash I guess I wanted confirmation of how ill he was at that time?? I got my confirmation. I had to stop doing specific things and take responsibility that I already knew the answer.
Something I heard on the boards and now read in an alanon book, is Your A is going to drink or not drink, what are you going to do about you? (Thank you Tom .. lol) The truth is what are you going to do about YOU? My suggestion would be to find an alanon meeting and start going that is the hardest first step, it's the step worth the most. You are worth it and you deserve not to be in the middle of crisis over something you have zero control over.
Hugs, sending support, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
He drinks and lies because he is an A, and active A's drink and lie. They lie to everyone - including themselves. It's not personal. He didn't take the first drink thinking to himself, "Ooh, I'm gonna drink and then lie about it! That'll show her!"
My AH promised many times when his disease was active that he would not drink. I have no doubt that he was sincere when he made the promises, but he was sick. He couldn't do the follow through. He didn't make the promise intending to lie. He made the promise under the faulty assumption that he had some amount of control over alcohol. I asked him to make the promise under the assumption that he had some amount of control over alcohol. It doesn't work that way. Alcoholism is a disease.
When my AH was drunk, he would often say random stuff and blame me for whatever he could. This takes the focus off the real problem - the fact that he got drunk. When I would get upset, bite the bait, and get in an argument with him trying to rationalize about why he was wrong, the disease won. The whole situation was insanity. One of the first lessons in the program, after the 3 C's of course, is that we do not have to attend every fight to which we are invited. The goal is not to react. The A is going to do whatever he or she wants, so all of our efforts to get them to change are in vain. Their insanity is THEIRS. We do not have to get sucked in and take an insanity trip of our own just because they are.
As far as trust goes, a couple of things helped me. First, like Pushka, I stopped asking questions if I already knew the answer. Asking a question when I knew the answer (like, "have you been drinking?") set me up to get lied to - and then I'd feel hurt and sad and the trust would be even harder. I had to learn that asking alcoholics questions about whether and how much would just about always result in a lie. That's part of the disease - to keep whether and how much hidden. If you're asking how you can trust an active A to be completely honest about their alcohol consumption, in my opinion, the answer is simply that you can't.
I would encourage you to find face to face Alanon meetings for yourself. The meetings have really saved my sanity and my life. Alcoholism is a family disease. The relatives of alcoholics need just as much help in recovery as the alcoholics do.
We won't be able to tell you how to get your husband sober. What we will be able to do for you is to share how we have been able to find happiness and peace regardless of whether anyone else is still drinking.
Keep coming back - you're in a good place here. :)
Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 5th of August 2011 08:54:17 AM
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 5th of August 2011 08:57:37 AM
Lost, dont buy the propaganda that is spewed by the alcoholic. It took me some years to figure that out.
Our experiences with this disease will save you precious time if you really listen. This time you could be devoting to getting yourself well and improving your self esteem, because this disease will surely rob you of many things if you do not get support for yourself.
I really recommend the face to face Alanon meetings. Alanon has helped so many desperate people who live with this devastating progressive disease on a daily basis.
Don't wait until you hit bottom. Keep coming back, the program of Alanon works if you work it.
My A is mad at me because I have a wall up for protection. She tried to provoke a fight today. She says I'm being awful. She (maybe) hasn't had a drink for 6wks, nor lied, & just got into a weight loss program. She thinks I'm supposed to be doing a happy dance becz in her twisted mind, she's all better now. She has no clue how sick she is. She's been active for the last 20 years and probably long before she met me. I get how long it's going to take her to get a grip on her addictions and honestly, I don't think she will. She could, but she chooses not to get the proper help. She's had 3 therapy sessions with a CASAC. I'm thrilled about it really, but she's not even scratched the surface of getting help. She'll never consider AA or OA. She could use both. And the chronic lying~I have come to detest it. And this is how I am sick too and codependent. I am fighting to get well and strong and separate emotionally. I'm so hurt and dissapointed. I know I'm supposed to think that she's doing this to herself, but I feel she's done it to me also. I now need alot of help too! Lyne
I know this is hard to hear, but please do not take it personal. I like to share my experiences because it helps you to know you are not alone. You sound just like I did for the past 2-3 years. My AH used to fight with me (only when he was drinking) call me lazy, crazy and a bunch of other things. I would cry myself to sleep most days praying that he would change. He'd get up the next morning, sometimes he wouldn't even remember what happened, but most days, he'd apologize, I'd forgive him and then beat myself up because I wasn't strong enough to not put up with him treating me that way. He commutes an hour to work everyday, and when he would tell me he was running late, or had to do something after work, I would wait to see his eyes, cause that's how I could tell he had been drinking, and he would hide it....he'd give me a kiss on the cheek with his head turned away! haha We would argue about anything and everything, until I pointed out he had a problem, then the arguement would be over and he'd tell me to shut up...that was until the next arguement. So, so, so many promises he made. That was BEFORE I found Alanon, and before I really understood he is an ALCOHOLIC and he can't help it.
I am fairly new to Alanon but I have posted every single time that I wish I had come sooner. It is a tremendous help! Please don't get discouraged, we all know how you feel and what you are going through, but it is so important for you to get to some meetings. You will soon discover how to make yourself happy and will begin to learn how not to take things personally. You will learn how to take care of you, whether he is there or not. It is not him...It's the alcohol. That is one of the things I remember when he starts babbling and wanting to start a fight. Another one that has helps me is HALT...when I am getting annoyed with HIM, I think about what is wrong with ME am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, and I fix me before I get a chance to be mad at him.
When you go to your first meeting, if you have not already, it will be hard. I was super nervous, but after the meeting, everyone was so friendly and one woman said to me "I see the look in your face, and I remember when I came here 5 years ago, I looked the same way you do today" Now I go and I am able to talk and laugh and relax and vent and learn so much! remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. I know its hard, but keep coming!
Lost I hope you are feeling better by now. Alcoholics can't be trusted. They're masterful liars. Your human nature is to want to trust your H. Expecting the truth will hurt you every single time. My AH has lied consistently for nine years and yet I'm still blindsided and hurt when I discover his latest lies. I guess recovery for those of us who are mentally ill via our mentally ill spouses means that we must learn to expect lies, expect emotional pain, expect crises, expect abnormal behavior, expect loneliness, expect lack of intimacy, and expect the unexpected. I'm sad for you and your children. Go to local ALANON meeting. You don't have to say a word or do anything except sit down. Just go. It's one way you can take care of yourself. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. You'll look forward to the meetings. Much love to you and your children.
thank you all so much! hes been okay since the concert the other night... the next morning i got up and went to work and barely spoke to him, i got home from work and not sleeping all night and cleaned up the house and did dishes, then had to go do a toy party for a friend (i sell childrens educational toys)... im trying to keep my distance.. im putting up a wall and its not that im tryign to its just happening.. i dont want to be hurt anymore.. i want soooo desperately to be able to have him hang out with friends or go do things for himself and still be able to trust him.. i feel like the crazy wife because he doesnt tell the truth and he doesnt talk to me about these things so then im calling around looking for him or driving around looking for him and checking emails and his fb page... i feel like im invading his privacy by doing these things but i want him to get better and i know thati cant do it for him and he cant do it for me and the kids.. he needs to do this for himself... i just dont want to be let down again.. his sister passed away night b4 last because she drank so much her liver failed.. im hoping this is his wake up call... but who knows.. i guess we shall see!
I hope you will go if have not to a face to face meeting it makes all of the difference in the world. I've learned so much from the meetings I attend and there are so many wonderful people who have been where you are at right now. I learned the difference between walls and boundaries. Walls keep me in and others out, boundaries allow me to still be connected to others and still protect myself.
The crazy part I really believe our behavior IS crazy, however we are trying to deal with a very unreasonable situation. We are always doing the best we can with the tools we have in the moment. Which I had a big old zero! Going to the meetings hearing the stories really resonated for me and it made me not take a look at my A, it forced me to take a look at me and my crazy behavior and what I was getting out of it. It soooo wasn't working for me ... lol. I now can look back and really have a good laugh at myself over some of what I did and think ohhh wow babe look how far you have come and how far you can go woo hooo! :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
