Hi ladym,

I am going through almost the same thing. My AH left last night w/o his phone or wallet and never came back. I just came home and he wreaks of alcohol and is holing up in a dark room. I also just hope he leaves so we can attempt healing individually since we have proven it isn't working this way. I have tried having him leave/kicking him out several times and kept changing my mind because, like you, my heart would race and I would panic...I couldn't face the idea of breaking up our family (we have 2 small kids).
We just discussed his moving out, and now I pray for the strength to carry it through for real this time!!!

Everyone told me not to beat myself up about it and then if/when the time came that we were meant to part ways, I would know and although it would be emotionally painful, I would *know* and trust my HP that it was the right thing.

Well, maybe this is that time for me. I honestly have nothing left to lose--our relationship sucks, we have no friends and family left, and I am responsible for keeping the family glued together. All I get from this situation is emotional insanity.

Al-Anon has made the biggest difference for me and has helped me get the courage to be at this point with a changed mentality. Now when he has these relapses I can say to myself, "He is drinking...what am *I* doing?" and then I can make myself better...

Best wishes and peace to you.

I can't agree with hotrod more, she says it all right there. Alanon helps us live with the disease or finally make a decision to not live with it. We become stronger and are more aware of ourselves and what we want. I hope you find a meeting for you soon and keep coming here, it works when you work it!

I have heard people say on this board "what others think of me is none of my business." You can't worry about what her family thinks of you. You have to focus on what YOU think of YOU. I am new to this whole concept, too, so I won't offer any advice. But I can offer support. You are not alone in what you are going through. These boards are filled with people who have gone through what you are going through now. Read as many posts as you can. It has helped me tremendously. Stay strong.

First i would suggest you find alanon meetings in your area and run don't walk to get to one.
Alanon will ( if you work it ) teach you how to take care of you like many of us learning to do that for the first time in our lives. By the time I crawled thru these doors i couldn't even grasp the concept of living my life by putting my needs first. I truly thought all these people musta lost thier minds. But the cold hard fact was I was as if not more sick than my A (alcoholic/addict). I had spent my life taking care of family members who continualy brought chaos into my life. And for a long time I thrived on that chaos, and taking care of everyone somehow I thought "gave me purpose".
Yea well it didn't, it just allowed the A's in my life to continue thier behavior while I cleaned up behind them.
I did not marry an A thankfully but my husband also came from a very addictive family.
Well we were going to change things, break the cycle with our children. We loved our families very much despite thier addictions but thought if we moved, took our children away from the daily drama and chaos and brought them up so very differently than our upbringing then we would have it made.
Imagine our heartbreak when our son sunk into addiction. He wasn't raised that way but he definitly drew the genetic short straw and here is where the surprise came in. Although neither my husband or I are A's growing up in that enviornment ( because remember this is a family disease ) our thoughts and actions were very dysfuctional. We didn't have a clue what we were passing along to our children. And if I had a do-over I would have been in alanon meetings front and center over 20 yrs ago.
Now you can imagine I am sure having a child who is so sick with this disease and being powerless to help them and watching what they are doing to themselves and having a program telling you to put yourself first when your instinct is to "fix" your child that is suffering. But that is exactly what I had to learn ( and still learning ) how to do.
It is not your job to try and fix your gf... you can't it is impossible and none of us is that powerful. It is sad that she lost her father but fact is A's use exuses to drink or drug and frankly any excuse will do. Her family putting pressure on you to take care of her is unreasonable. My son had, had some good sober time until my brother, his Uncle whom he was named after died a few months ago ( and although my brother was 13 yrs into his recovery he still died from the disease of addiction). My son adored his Uncle, I knew it would be hard on him and feared he would relapse which he did immediatly. But that was just an excuse, he was already thinking of using this just gave him a reason. For A's any excuse will do... it's monday I better drink, it's raining time to drink, etc you get the point.
But through this program I have learned if I don't put myself first and my needs my son is going to sink and he will take us with him. This disease is progressive it only gets worse until or if the person finds recovery. Most have to hit thier bottom before they reach out for help. And as long as we are there to cushion thier falls they have no reason to seek recovery. For us when my husband and I looked at it just putting a roof over our sons head was enabling him to continue to use and cushioning his bottom. None of us wants to see our loved ones in pain ever and as hard as it is they have to face the natural consequenses of thier behavior before they even can start to think they may have a problem.
But this program is for YOU ! And like I said before cause you are going to get several replies and may feel overwhlemed but this is a safe loving place for you. You will hear lots of things you can do for yourself to feel better about you no matter what your gf may be doing. It is a life long program, we are always learning and progressing.
But this program saved my life litteraly as well as my sanity.
the first thing I was taught was HALT = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.... this one tool helped and continues to help me immensley. Whenever you are stressed, out of sorts etc just stop and take a moment to go thru those 4 words and see which one identifies what you are feeling, once you have identified it then act on it. Such as you are tired, give yourself permission for a nap or just some alone time in another room, Lonely use your contact list you will get at an alanon meeting and make a call, go have a cup of coffee with a friend, Angry... for me its prayer time when i am angry. But you get the picture whatever works for you.
Glad you found us....Keep coming back
Blessings