"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

looks more active than ACoA

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Linda, I can totally relate to your story. When I got married to my AH I thought he was only a weekend partier type, he said it was no big deal and that he would quit. Eight years into our marriage I found out not only was he hiding one addiction but multiple addictions. I remember the day I found out the WHOLE truth, my world collapsed. Looking back I should not have been surprised, I ignored his mood swings, his quick temper and his inability to keep a job. It all came crashing down in an instant. Since that time he has gotten sober and relapsed several times, it has only been through this site that I have found any support or sanity. Addicts are addicts are addicts, behaviors are the same, drug of choice really doesn't matter. (in my opinion).

The people on this message board have saved my life. I was in such deep depression that I didn't know where to go. You, like all of us, are not alone. Through the teachings of Alanon and the support of these wonderful people I am starting to get myself back together and what I am learning is helping my relationship, through boundaries and better self esteem for myself.

Only you can decide if you stay or go, I, for now, am staying, I love my husband and for now I am working on it. I give myself comfort that I only need to make that decision today, not think about a month from now or a year from now. You ALWAYS have choices, protect yourself financially, work on yourself emotionally and give yourself time to determine what you want, not what your friends want, they can't understand unless they have lived it.

Be kind to yourself, much love and hope your direction. :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

You are in the right place, glad you found us! HUGS! Many people come to alanon due to someone in their lives that is doing drugs and then realize they have alcoholics in their lives too. I am here because my A-fiance was at one time doing heroin/opiates of some sort and drinking ALOT. At first I didn't think I could come here because of the opiate use. Eventually he has gotten off the opiates and its only alcohol. We learned at a rehab that alcohol is the Grand daddy of all drugs, and it is a drug, so alanon is the perfect place for those of us who have a problem with anyone else's "drug" use, be it alcohol, pot, heroin etc. Because ACOA and CODA and Naranon are so similar and are derived from alanon, I come here and get the most support. Alanon has taught me many many things.
For starters, the three C's. I didn't Cause him to use/drink, I can't Cure his using/drinking and I certainly cannot ever ever Control it. It was suggested to me to go to real time face to face alanon meetings, where I would get people's support after meetings, when I can ask questions, and phone numbers to call to get support when I need it in the moment. It was suggested that I LISTEN at the meetings and begin to share my own progress there. Also it was suggested to look for and get a sponsor. I am doing all of those things, and I am getting better.
Many of us that grew up in dysfunction or with alcoholism tend to either become an alcoholic/addict, marry one or go into a care-taking field (ie. Nursing). Alanon is for us to start the healing process to learn to live our lives better. We can use the tools in all our affairs. Living with an alcoholic/addict is too much for many of us WITHOUT the help and support of alanon, and working our own healing program of spirituality. I have learned to not question, coerce, force, dominate, yell at, scream at, give silent treatments, or degrade or condecend my A-fiance. When I focus on myself, and treat myself well, when I keep to my side of the street and go to alanon, come on this board, read the literature and post here, share at meetings and talk with my sponsor, I feel better. I am learning about myself and how I viewed the world for so long. Now I can look at my part in the whole mess of things, because wherever I go, there I am. Not only am I feeling better, but my relationship is wonderful, and my A-finace is starting to want sobriety. I take it day by day, one day at a time, one minute at a time. Today is a new day, I don't have to live in the past and dwell anymore, sit on the pity pot and cry, I can get up, say its a new day, and live in this day, live in this very moment!

You don't have to leave your husband. You can find healing and strength in alanon. I hope you get to real time face to face meetings for yourself and don't live in the illusion anymore. There is hope! By the grace of God I am getting better all the time... Take care of you!
HUGS!
youfoundme

-- Edited by youfoundme on Thursday 4th of August 2011 08:04:45 AM

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Linda, and welcome to MIP..... Yep, you definitely qualify to be here!! :) I would encourage you to continue to choose recovery for yourself - I am copying below a post I put up a few weeks ago, with a book recommendation for ACOA's....

One small point - if he was smoking at birthdays and parties - THAT was his relapse, not just the secretive stuff that happened in September.... If he is occasionally using, he IS using....

One of the old sayings is "addiction is addiction is addiction", and it really doesn't matter if it is alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, gambling, sex, or any number of other things.... the "treatment" is nominally the same - both for the addict, AND for us.

Glad you are here, and hope you keep coming back

Tom

ACOA Books	Reply Quote More Edit Post Delete Post Ban IP Report Spam

A number of post-ers ask questions from the perspective of an ACOA, and I must humbly admit that I have very little knowledge around ACOA-specific issues. I asked the question of Toby Rice Drews, and here is her response, that I thought I would pass along, for those looking at good reading material in this area... I had heard that books by Claudia Black were also very good, but Toby is much more in tune with the field.... "hi Tom, I believe the best book for ACOA issues is the classic "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woititz" Regards, Tom

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks guys
For now I am happy to read on here. I have bought a few books through Amazon and waiting for them to be delivered.
I have found the past few weeks I have been using old Alanon memories from my youth and yes they are very helpful
I need to hear that it is ok to stay with my husband if I so chose to at this point in time. Those people that tell me to 'not put up with it', cannot tell me exactly what to do either.
I am slowly slowly starting to accept that he is a smoker again now. We do discuss it calmly at times, and at other times we have an argument. We discussed it this morning in fact. I said I would be more comfortable with things going back to how they were before we were married. It wasn't in my home, it wasn't there all the time just waiting for him. It was occassionally/recreational use every few months. I told him that would help to reduce my anxiety somewhat.
I have identified most of my anxiety is around the lying and deceiving. When this happens I feel second rate.

This morning he said to me that he has decided he will always be a smoker. I do have that "If he loved me, he would quit again". I get stuck at that. I feel sad and I feel like crying that I am not the most important thing in teh world. He says he loves and would do anything for me... as long as that anything isn't giving up the pot is in brackets but he doesn't 'get' that.

Anyway..... I am telling myself today that he will smoke today... that is his choice. I will not be around him if he is stoned. I will go to the bedroom and watch TV if he is sitting watchign TV in the lounge. I will go and walk the dog or read a book. Is this being nasty? Is this passive aggressive? Or is this a healthy way of determining my boundaries by saying, I can't stop him doing it, but I can control my interaction with him when he does.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Well that is a good start on boundaries. Doing things for yourself when he chooses to do things for himself. If you can do your own things without reacting negatively that is. When my fiance drinks, I have learned that if I don't react and remain calm, things go a lot better and there are no arguements. You see I can't discuss with him what he is doing. Its his life and I have to take care of mine. Discussions don't work to change what someone else is doing. Discussing is just a way to help them stay in their disease and for us to stay in ours.

As for telling every one everything about whats going on, especially if they don't live with alcoholics/addicts, they won't know what to say or may say things you don't want to hear. So for me, I have stopped telling everyone everything about whats going on in my life. I talk to the people in my meetings and on this board about the A in my life and only talk about regular things with co-workers and friends. Going to real time meetings have helped me with this so much. The book that helped me is Getting Them Sober. It will help you change your ways and reactions. One day at a time, it can be done little by little.
Take care of you !

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"