The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Monday night my dh and I had a talk. He told me that his depression has him at a new low and that he has nothing to give me emotionally. He said he's in survival mode and is barely getting by just trying to do his job and get up in the morning. He's been pulling away and got mad at me when I told him I wanted a relationship with my husband, not a roommate that gets sex just because I'm physically there. He also said that he was thinking that maybe he should move out. He said he's toxic to my son and to me and that his influence on us is detrimental. He said he has nothing to look forward to but more work and then death. He said I talk too much and that I don't listen. Ummm, not quite buddy. When we sit down and talk he does 80% of the talking because it's all about him. Anyway, my son and I were leaving the next morning for a trip and just returned last night. During the time away, my husband was fine on the phone. We usually texted each other during the day and had one night time conversation. But, now that I'm home, I feel this cloud hanging over us and I wish I was back on vacation.
So, I know this is his depression talking but it got me thinking that I better start preparing myself for the future. I actually opened up a credit card in my own name and set up a checking account in my name only, too. I figured I better start thinking about how I might have to earn an income and if I can find a work at home opportunity. Now, it may never come to that but I feel fear and I feel I need to prepare. He has been getting evaluated with a psychologist and now is referred to a psychiatrist, as well. He's going through the steps to get healthy(or at least try) but he has nothing left for me, in his words. I keep wondering how long I can live like this? Throw in the fact that he's still hiding his drinking and it's enough to drive me insane. I just feel like I don't want to reach out to him right now for fear of being pushed away or abandoned. I have set up walls of protection and I'm not sure when they're going to come down. He says he wants to be admitted to a psych ward just so he doesn't have to deal with work anymore but his psychologist doesn't think he's at that point yet. Personally, I have no experience with real depression like this. No one in my family suffers from any kind of mental illness and it's really hard for me to find solid ground.
Hugs hon, you have so much going on right now. I remember how bad my AH was last year at this time and it's so scary to watch someone you love fall apart in that way. At the same time be so detached and untouchable emotionally. I hope you are going to f2f meetings they have helped me so much to feel more prepared emotionally if something were to happen at least I know I would be scared I'd be ok too. I'm so not alone and neither are you.
The thing that always concerned me with my A is that he was so not honest with his dr's about his drinking. He was hiding it from me as well and then the meds. Sorry dead horse and I've said my peace more than once. I was so fearful that the kids were going to be the ones to find their dad if something happened with the mixture of the meds and drinking. Talk about a toxic situation for any child to be in. I remember finding my mother after some drama thing (I don't know if she was drunk or she tried to commit suicide it's something that has never really been discussed. I do know of a suicide attempt later on that same year.) on the floor and having to call her friends. They lived down the road and I didn't know what to do. I think I was 10 at the time and I can still remember the fear I felt walking into that situation. I put my A out during that time because of that fear. He was switching to a new med and the paxil he was on was very scary to me. I felt like he was working his way into physical violence towards me. It was a peaceful 2 weeks at our house and the cloud you talk about was lifted for the short time.
Ironically it was another 3 months before I walked into a meeting. I gotta say f2f is really where my healing started. Hugs and it does get better, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I hope you are able to go to Alanon meetings for you. That is the place where I am finding relief from my disease, and addiciton. The books Getting Them Sober and One day at a time in alanon help me so much. As well as the AA big book, which really helped me understand that it really is a disease of the mind body and spirit. I have to keep coming to feel better. I hope you do too! Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
This is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. I am glad that hubby is going for help and talking about his depression. It looks as if he is pretty clear about being in survival mode with little left over for emotional support. I have heard at many meetings going to an active alcoholic for emotional support is like going to the hardware store for bread They do not have it for us nor for themselves.
I am glad you are focused on yourself and taking actions to insure your future.
Face to Face meetings did help. me obtain clarity and emotional support for any new action.
I too had to review my life and change direction when my son was about 12. I choose to return to work so as to rebuild my self esteem and eliminate the huge fear that engulfed me. I am so grateful to HP for providing me with the direction that supported my life for the future. My husband did find AA and we rebuilt our relationship. I continued to work and grow and attend meetings. Then my husband passed away quickly from cancer and I had my job in place to sustain myself and son.
