addicted to the addict - Al-Anon Family Group

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

addicted to the addict

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that in children of an alcoholic parent, life pretty much revolves around the A. All the family members walk on eggshells to make sure the A isn't upset. All the family members learn to cater to the A, to hide the disease from the rest of the world and put on a smile and act like things are fine, to clean up the literal and figurative messes made by the A, to put their own needs aside in order to take care of the A's needs, etc. Focusing all of the attention on the A parent leads to co-addiction - the whole world revolves around the A's drinking and mood. When the A is happy, everyone is happy. When the A is upset, everyone scrambles to fix it. The A parent is addicted to alcohol, the rest of the family members become addicted to the A. I never noticed when it happened because it was just always that way.

This is how it happened for me. When I grew up, I just kept picking new A's to get addicted to. I married two of them, but every single one of my boyfriends was an addict in some capacity. Until I got divorced from the first A and found a program, I understood that my attachment to the A's was not healthy because I put up with so much junk that I felt like other people would never have put up with. But I just couldn't stop.

Why does a healthy person stay? A healthy person stays because he or she has found a way to be happy regardless of whether the A is still drinking. His or her life no longer depends on what the A is or isn't doing. A healthy person does not derive his or her self-esteem (or lack thereof) from the A.

This program doesn't get us healthy so that we leave our A's. It gets us healthy so we can have compassion for those suffering from the disease of alcoholism, and so we can recognize that we are fully capable of admitting and meeting our own needs. We begin to meet our own needs instead of waiting for someone else to meet them, hinting around about what we want, and then getting mad when we don't get it. We get healthy so that we can be happy, joyous, and free. There are many, many spouses of active alcoholics with years and years in the program that choose to stay.

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 31st of July 2011 08:04:50 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Lyne,

Sometimes the reality is the relationship ends however that's not the point of alanon and getting ourselves healthy. It's to help us have a clear picture of what is healthy behavior after years of learned unhealthy behavior. It's to take the fog away and allow us to see us become the people our HP made us to be.

Hugs, P :)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, it was great for me as an addict of my addict. Al-anon doesn't tell anyone to leave their A, it is a program of self focus and self health. What happens after you get healthier working your program is your choice and different for everyone. Sending you love and support.

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

I also am addicted to my addict. I've started reading Codependent No More and it's really starting to put things into perspective for me.

((hugs)) and strength to you!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lyne I worked very hard on my program. got my health back. Saw him as very sick, wanted to be his friend like we were since forever.But he was dangerously abusive from brain damage.

Depends on so many things, everyone is different. Every A is different. They may have the same symptoms but they are still their own person.

I think for me I had been alone so long, wanted to live with him almost all my life. That just having his body home was enough. I appreciated every tiny moment. Had already lost one husband, could not bare to lose another.

But was out of my control. I really truly meant my vows. I feel HP was right there helping me to stay and be content with what I did have.

But as we know, we just cannot put up with abuse.

Hugs,deb

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

I grew up wirh this disease..father, uncle, aunts, brother, sister etc no alanon to show me the ropes. I was the youngest and the caretaker. I did my dyfunctional job well.
Now we have a son who is an addict. Can't divorce a child for sure. And with him I definitly got addicted to the addict in a big way. I was way up in his business.
I love him unconditionally no matter what but I don't have to love or enable the disease.
I had to learn to seperate my beautiful son from his disease....this took practice, practice and more practice.
when I was strong enough it was time for him to move, i wasn't going to watch or live it every single day.
He knows he is loved, he knows to come home when he is sober and i have pried myself out of his life.
I do a lot of praying for sure.
I can't say how I would handle and addicted spouse, niether my husband or I are A's so I am not qualified to speak to that dynamic. I could speculate but you just don't know what you are going to do until you are in the middle of the situation. I know many couples who make it work, just as many who don't. No one can make that choice for you.
Blessinfs

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

The book Getting Them Sober helped me tremendously. I can't recommend it enough. I too am addicted to my A. My tolerance was WAY high! While he sat next to me in a black out, or shooting heroin, I stayed because I wasn't ready to do anything else. Then I came to alanon. Things are changing for me and he wants sobriety now. He sees the changes and he knows where he can go for help when HE is ready. In the mean time, I am calling my sponsor, going to meetings, coming on here and reading the literature to help me feel better. My A is now not drinking nearly as much as before and he is not using any drugs anymore. He is trying, and even though he is not in program, he is putting feelers out, reading his NA book and going on recovery websites... it works when we work it! Keep coming.

Ruby · Veteran Member

Lyne, both of my children are a/a and it is really hard to detach and treat them like adult. It's becomming easier and easier as I work my program and keep God really big in my life. I attend f/f meeting 1 or2x's a wk. I use my sponsor for support, I'm still amazed that I've been able to not rescue my daughter from her homelessness after a month. I'm beginning to feel some pressure from my siblings to help her. Anyway, my focus is to work on my issues, not hers.

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