First Meeting : To Tell or Not To Tell? - Al-Anon Family Group

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

First Meeting : To Tell or Not To Tell?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Telling or not telling, that is a very good question SG, it really depends on your situation. There is no right or wrong answer it's really up to you and your comfort level. Many of the people in my meeting choose not to tell their A.

I do tell my A, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. In my case .. lol .. this is so sad, I leave the house so rarely that if all of a sudden I started taking off and really with no reason attached, especially without the kids, he would probably think I was having an affair. Rightfully so, because this for me is outside the norm of my behavior in the past. I would be jumpy, again that's just me.

How I chose to explain it to my A is when he asked me about going, was it's not about him it's about me and my past. That is totally true, (in some ways it is about him because he is my current situation, this I did not say out loud), really it's me and a past that seems to follow me around. I'm tired of my own behavior. Yada yada yada, .. if he feels threatened he doesn't say.

Now .. lol .. this is really how I talk, so this didn't hit him out of the blue for me to say it in that way. I'm complicated .. lol. I don't think that, I happen to be direct. Truthfully, I'm so open that it never dawned on me that I didn't have to tell him. I also don't have the aspect that he's going to be violent. He might be angry and resentful that I go, I don't know. If he did say that to me again, this is about me not him. He doesn't verbalize that to me, and at first he did act out some, he would work late, or he would make a point of trying to sabotage me from going, snotty comments. I started literally driving down the driveway and texting him where I was going instead of telling him ahead of time. When he realized I was very serious, this was something that benefited him and the kids, he's been better that's not to say I don't hear a few comments from time to time. I ignore them and let him know I love him, give him a hug and away I go. Again, my situation is different in the sense that I'm not afraid for my safety. I know people who are, and that's a whole other can of worms for them to deal with, I don't have that issue.

Boundaries, it depends, thanks to the board, I think of boundaries as promises to myself (I would hug everyone who explained it that way), some I verbalize some I don't. It just depends on what it is, riding in the car and being treated with respect. I deserve that, as driving him at o'dark hundred this is not a have to that I do it's because I view us as a team. He has every right to find his own way to work, no one is making him ride with me. I have verbalized that one. That's because it did come up. How others treat me I don't need to verbalize so much because it's apparent now how I treat myself. Most of my boundaries are so much more about me than others what do I want for myself. I hope that makes sense, someone else I know will describe it better and in less words .. LOL.

Hugs again, I'm soooo excited for you to hit that first meeting. It's an amazing experience. Go enjoy, sending love and support your way, P :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi SG,

I'm happy to read that you are planning to attend a meeting. Remember, if it doesn't feel just right, please keep going back and giving it time. I say that because that is what I experienced. Also, if there are other meeting places in your area, try those too. It's always good to explore options. I explored 6 different meeting places and found one that was close to "just right" for me.

To tell or not to tell your husband is something you will have to decide. It depends on the situation. For me, I was already divorced when I entered an Al-Anon room - a bit late, given that I had been married for 36 years , but I finally arrived wink

Looking back when my now ex-AH and I lived together as a married couple, I'm not certain if I would have told him. He was in deep denial most of our married life. I'm not certain what I would have done. I'd like to think that I would have been honest with him. I was always telling him that he had a problem and should go to AA. I was always "shoulding" him (deep sigh) even though that is what would have been best for him (my opinion).

There are plenty of Twelve Step meetings. For example Overeaters Anonymous. Perhaps, if you need to be vague, you could tell him that you're going to a Twelve Step program and not elaborate what type. Again, only you can decide what to tell him.

I hope you return to this board to share your experience at your first meeting. Perhaps it will encourage others who have not decided to go.

Take good care, Gail

rara avis · Senior Member

Hey Surfgirl,

I guess my question would be, what do YOU want? :)

My experience was, I just mentioned alanon to my RA, and he said " you don't need it. " Well hm I don't think that is for him to decide. I do think that some A's are wary of alanon because they think what alanoners do is bash the A. I told my RA that it was about working on me, not about him, but I don't think that got through.

It is easier for me to find a meeting or come here when I can't because he is not home a lot.

Taking care of yourself, however that looks like, telling or not telling, or something in between is all right imho!

hugs
rara avis

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi surfgirl,

You need to do what you feel it right, and coming from experience I know that sometimes we truly don't know what that is. I just don't want you to be talked out of going. Personally, I don't think you need to tell him right away. I think it would be good if you knew exactly what al-anon is, the benefits, and how it feels to go, so if/when he tells you what its about and why you shouldn't go, blah, blah, blah.. you know exactly why you are going and are not influenced by his words. Remember, he does not have to have a "problem", just you do. Thus, if you had a problem because he took a sip on occasion or got rip-roaring drunk every day, it is your "problem" and you qualify. The "problem" gets you there, but the support you will receive in terms of living a better life goes so far beyond that!

In terms of boundaries, if you state them it will be important that you carry through. However, you don't always have to say them aloud and they can be short and simple and not so long-term as in leaving a marriage. For example, if every time he uses an abusive word, you immediately walk away from him or leave the house. The boundary is for you.

Take a deep breath, girlfriend, and walk into that first meeting! Listen, share, sob.... its all acceptable and completely understood. Then, keep going back or try new meetings til you find the one that feels the best. It is so worth it!

Blessings.
:ou

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi surfgirl.

great questions.

My experience is if anyone asks you bet I will tell them. We are not responsible for how they react.For me it is part of my recovery to stand up for myself.

It's part of my recovery to learn how to say to their maybe rude responses. this is something I am doing for me!

It is not a secret, it's none of his business to critisize.

Well hon boundaries have to be said for them to be boundaries. Ex: I have a boundary A, if anyone calls me, is rude and or abusive I will say goodbye and hang up.If I am treated with respect I will be happy to talk to them.

I don't use the word "you" much. Actually we surely feel our boundaries are for everyone.

Decided I don't want to hear anyone complaining anymore. If someone tries, I will leave the room. substitute complaining with being critical, abusive, arguing, profanity and on and on. period.

We must stick to our consequences for the behavior. treat me with respect or don't be around me! I told my kids that! they treat me soooooo sooooo much better. And they won't take anything less themselves from anyone

Part of our recovery is finding what is important to us to recover. for instance, I live with as little stress as possible. I do live alone, it has been very rough at times. But I have learned to be ok with it. And I know I can go see someone, get online and chat with one of my guinea pig friends in our group. Or come here.

I learned to not let it eat me up anymore.

also I learned to not take myself seiously when I am tired.

Hope this helps! I am proud of you for going to meetings now! You my friend are on your way to many miracles! love,debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 31st of July 2011 04:08:47 PM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Surfgirl,

Whatever you tell or don't tell your husband is strickly up to you. Only you can answer that question. I hope you are able to work it out to your own satisfiction for your own recovery.

I'm experience was I needed recovery even though at the time I had no idea what recovery consisted of. What I didn't know then that I know now? I desperately needed the, help, sanity, support, understanding, caring, acceptance of the program, and most of all, someone who understood me as no one else could. I needed it for me and not the alcoholic in my life. After years of going it alone I felt I had to try something different. I didn't have a clue that Al-Anon could offer, and did offer, all the above and more the first meeting I attended. But it did. In my case I knew I was going for me, not because of her. My problem was me.

Early in the program as I changed what I didn't do anymore, how I didn't react to anymore, and continued to practice what the program told me to do to the best of my ability. I realized my AW without any discussion between us noticed those changes. Where she wanted me to go to Al-Anon or not I never knew, but I had a gut feeling she was likeing the results. After a month or so one night she asked, "Don't you have a meeting tonight?" Those few words made me feel good about myself and the choice I made. (lightbulb moment) It made me realize for the first time, hey, I might be on the right track, I felt a turning of the corner.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 31st of July 2011 08:16:00 PM

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi surfergirl, I think the answers will come to you especially after you start attending meetings. I am so glad you are taking this step and it is for people dealing with active or non active A's. Don't feel guilty for self care. Good luck and keep up the good work!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

There was a cartoon yrs ago in our forum magazine , a woman had been attending our program for awhile but not told her husb , one nite he demanded to know where she was going she said I am going to an attitude adjustment meeting , his reply was bout damn time latley your attitude stinks . tell him or not is up to you . another friend told her husb that his drinking was causing her a problem , she wasnt accusing him of being an alcoholic and he seemed to accept that ..

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((Surfgirl))))))))))))))))))

I am in Agreement with alot here, it truly is up to you and what you want to speak of... For me I Found Al-Anon right AFTER I Lost My Afather to this disease, and even those my Alcoholic Father was Gone, I still am Shouldered by MANY Alcoholics/Addicts... My Husband is a Binge Drinker, My Siblings all alcoholics, Even my Mother has inquired a Drinking Problem over the years...

When I First Got here, I Told my Husband I needed to get my Head straight when it came to my upbringing and my fathers drinking/death, and because my Husband was a Very Jealous person and at times Very Verbel It was Tough for me at times to go because he then began to say arrogant remarks and just try to tick me off enough to stay home... but i didn't ... I kept Going and I Still go... Now... Almost 3 yrs later he has accepted that I'm going regardless of the comments, and it really has not only improved me from my past, but it also has brought us together better as a couple... and he dont have a program, but because of mine I am not constantly down his throat about things, I have learned to let him have his responsibilites and I keep mine... We Communicate better because "I" Learned how...

Sending Prayers your way that you make that meeting and meet a Great support system... I was told to try and keep an open mind, and at least attend 6 meetings before saying Yes or No to what lies ahead... Give yourself a chance to be happy... because you are worth, and worthy of happily ever after, regardless of what others may say or think...

Please Keep Coming back... Take what you like and leave the rest....

Hugs & Prayers

Jozie

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