Help put a name to my feeling - Al-Anon Family Group

2nice4_2long · Member

Help put a name to my feeling

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

2nice4 2long

"HALT" comes to mind.....Hungry...Angry....Lonely....and Tired. When you are too hungry, angry, lonely, and tired it's hard to maintain your serenity an peace of mind. First awareness is important. Once that has been reached the program gives you the answers you need. Today I'm not hungry, not angry, not lonely, but yes a little tired. A reminder that I need to always take care of myself first.

HUGS,
RLC

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When I read your post, I felt overwhelmed.

So that is the emotion I sure would put together!

NO one can control us unless we allow it! NO way could anyone decide what I am going to do about ANYTHING. I know myself, know what I like. Even if I didn't I like me too much to allow anyone to make my decisions.

You sound like a good person. Almost like you feel your life is being sucked away from you.

If it were me I would sit down and arrange my thoughts. Shared this before. wish I could just send you a picture.

draw a circle. inside "my life
then draw lines out to more circles. put in my child, career, school. hopes, dreams goals.

Do it again from them. then put the goals you have for each of the circles you came out of.This is a great way to get your thoughts and goals in order.

Wow a loss of control is big for you. Hon I would be livid if someone took over like this with my life. It's very ok to feel the feelings you expressed.

So it is up to you to take it all back. I would think some people would give in, some would say hey wait a darn minute!

Glad you came here to sort things out. We have every right to be who we are and make our own decisions. I wonder if husband needs you to stand up for yourself. Most spouses respect that of their loved one.

hugs,deb

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to have a picture of faces in the early days to determine what it was I was actually feeling, just being in a "bad spot or space" really didn't give any emotion (or mix of them) a description... so I used one like what is below and put it on my frig and bathroom mirror... so I could start giving feelings definetion.

John

2nice4_2long · Member

Thanks Deblyn,

I am overwhelmed, and kind of sucked dry lately. I think your chart method will help me.

I am working on step 4 and will make that one of my assignments.

You did though, misunderstand my post. I'll have to change the wording.

When I wrote " my husband wants to choose my field" I did not mean choose for me; I meant choose it for himself. He has the opportunity to re-train and wants to do what I did. I just instinctively recoil at the thought; I am overwhelmed by my reaction. I don't want to compete with him on what I consider is my terrain, even if I'm not working now. He always wins, and in my co-dependency, and relationship analysis, I am lableing him as a passive agressive manipulative. I'm in the middle of figuring out how to handle my realizations.

A lot of what you said, does apply though. thank you.

& I'll reword my original post a bit.

2nice4_2long · Member

Thanks for the chart John,
so I'm cycling thorough about six or 8 of those pictures
surprise, suspicious, confused, jealous, angry, rage, sad & anxious.
I guess I never considered surprise an emotion here it's not a happy surprise.
I'll definitely refer to this chart often.

Doozy · Senior Member

John,

I loved that chart!

2nice4_2long,

Your chosen name sure says a lot. I always like the HALT that RLC mentioned. And right now, I'm also loving "Easy does it." It's okay to not be sure of your feelings and to cycle through many of them. I find that when I take care of the Hungry, Alone, Lonely, Tired, and then I take it easy and really slow down and relax, I can find a lot more clarity about what I'm feeling. Then, instead of beating myself up over my emotions like I used to do, I just accept them. I'll think - "Hmmm, I'm feeling angry. That's okay, I wonder why? What does this remind me of? Are there other times I felt like this in the past? What am I afraid of?" Often, that's when I'll get some clarity and understanding for myself. Debilyn's got a really good idea about drawing your life and your feelings out visually on paper. I should try that too.

Wishing you well

~ Doozy

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello 2nice - my thoughts run to him taking over YOUR domain - and making it his own, taking it from you and showing you he can do it better than you do it. I am a volunteer EMT in my small town and my H became a first responder and I found myself constantly feeling like he was trying to show me up in everything; he's really big on one-up-ing and it's REALLY tiring to say the least. I hate that everything I do he has to do also to show me he can do it better than I can. Some of the stuff he does better quicker naturally, which seems to negate all the hard work I've put into it for so long - I've got the credentials and he acts like he could have the same credentials, whats the big deal and I want to shake him and say I WORKED for the credentials, you didn't! Another thought just came to me, he being the insecure person he is, I found myself NOT doing the best I should so that I wouldn't show HIM up. Which sat pretty hard in my gut but I swallowed it because I was a good little co-dependent.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

2nice42long

I agree 1000% with likemy heart definition of what you may be experiencing. I know I have felt invisible in my relationship because I stopped supporting my life , abandoned myself and then resented my hubby because he competed with me. I had to learn in alanon to validate my life and take care of it. hat was my joub

Keep coming back you are worth it. Love your login name smile

2nice4_2long · Member

Thanks for the comments doozy.

likemyheart, i hear that you can relate. Thanks for sharing.

I don't know why he'd want to do work that he wouldn't enjoy. I don't know why he waits until and hour before his meeting to submit his proposal that he's decided this; we only talked briefly about it last week. In a partnership marriage, partners should talk about and reach agreement on their big decisions. I do have a lot of feelings to sort through; like where did my partnership go? Who left him in complete charge?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

2nice you already mentioned scared so theres the fear...Husband going into your field and your reaction...defensive/protective? Lost your job not the way you wanted or liked...angry and resentful? hmmm kinda, sorta? I'd feel overwhelmed my self so that might be a similarity. Not talking much...lonely, disinterested, distant, angry, separated? He's making decisions without you...confused, lost, inquisitive, angry, scared, suspicious, threatened?

Feelings are an inward reaction to outside events. One of the "rocket science" lessons while I was growing up in recovery.

Keep coming back...You're doing good cause reaching out for help here will get you that. ((((hugs)))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Too nice,

What helped me get in touch with my feelings was exactly what you mentioned, working the 4th step. I do so hope you are doing it with a face to face sponsor. For me, the only feeling I had when coming into the program was anger. It was the only one I could express freely and relate to.

As a result of working the steps on an ongoing basis with my sponsor, I am able to walk through a rainbow of feelings, know what they are, and not feel like I am dying inside.

xoxo

tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.