The material presented
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Well last night was supposed to be my first f2f meeting, I was so excited for days!!
I found myself for the past few days trying once again to control the outcome of the days, I would ask my AH to do specific things with me as to not let him out of my sight! He runs his own business to where he can quit for the day when he chooses and when he stops early in the day.....due to the heat, I used to panic now it seems I just remain a little uncomfortable wondering where will he go and will he stop and drink his first beer.
He has not (that I know of) had a slip since last Wednesday, but experience tells me that the day will come. He refuses to go to AA, he did try AA about 3 years ago and went to about 5 meetings total and said he did not feel that AA was a help for him. He never explained why. He did start going to the YMCA and working out to relieve stress and that seemed to help him alot but he eventually quit that as well.
I have been on MIP everyday, sometimes 3-7 times a day just reading and absorbing. I have also been reading "How Al-Anon Works for Family and Friends of Alcoholics" and "Courage To Change" and have been feeling uplifted and looking forward to a happier healthier me.
However, last night the closer the meeting time came the more anxious I found myself, I know that "if he is going to drink, it does not matter whether I am home or not" He does not drink in the house as that is a boundry I set long ago, but he takes off in a vehicle or lately his motorcycle which WOW scares me more than ever. He rides around drinking and driving for hours and I basically sit here listening to the scanner praying he gets caught.
My fear of him leaving last night, if I went to my meeting overpowered what I WANTED to do for ME.....AGAIN!! Is this normal? Am I normal?
I am not beating myself up at this point but I did have a good cry this morning over it after he left for work. I am aggrivated that there is only ONE meeting per week where I live and I feel like I missed the boat!
For now I will continue to log on to MIP and read, read and read some more. I just felt the need to come clean about missing my first opportunity to a better me!
My rock bottom was a situation similar to what you described. I was sitting in the parking lot of a meeting - I called my sponsor, who I was supposed to meet at the meeting, and told her I couldn't come in because I needed to go home. She asked why, and I said I needed to go home because my AH was going to drink. She very gently told me to come in the meeting, just for a second. I told her no, I couldn't. Finally, I managed to get out of the car and go in to talk to my sponsor in person., I intended to just talk briefly and then go home. God had other plans for me. As I was sitting there talking to her, the meeting started. I managed to sit there through the whole meeting...it was an AA speaker meeting. I listened for an hour instead of obsessing about what my AH was doing. Delaying my own addictions of checking up and following around gave me confidence that I COULD do it for myself. It was an hour, not forever. Just for an hour. And eventually I could do it for a whole day. And that's as much as I have to do - ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I understand exactly about gluing yourself to your AH to make sure he won't drink. I did that. It didn't work - he got drunk anyway. I may've delayed the drinking by 10 minutes or caused him to be super good at hiding it and drinking when he went to the bathroom or some place I couldn't go. I don't know. Point is, I was acting like a warden, not his wife. I couldn't stop him, despite my best intentions. I finally understood the insanity of trying to when I was sitting there in the parking lot sobbing. It was purely insane to give up doing things for myself to follow someone around and make sure they didn't drink. It was insane because I would inevitably fail, and yet I kept doing the same thing over and over. I'd given up ALL the things I enjoyed to be a babysitter for an adult that should've been my equal.
Try again for a meeting - it's worth it. The hardest thing is just walking through the door.
Hang in there. I've been there and it sucks. The best news in the world is that you don't have to stay there. Recognizing your own behavior is an AWESOME first step. You just keep on - you're doing a good job.
:) Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 29th of July 2011 10:19:51 AM
I totaly, can relate to what you are saying, I feel like I have to control everything that happens during the day,I'v given up anything and everything I liked to do just to make sure I'm with my A when she starts drinking, I geuss I think I can control how much she drinks by being there, I feel like a babysister 24/7, It's like I have to make sure she eats agood meal before she starts drinking cause if not it wil be a very bad night.So I understand how you feel, it's so hard to stop doing what you have done for so long.
I went to a f2f meeting last night and had a huge comedy of errors. I haven't been to this particular meeting in about ohhh 10 or 11 years. I showed up at the wrong church knew it was the wrong church as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. I then proceeded to drive up the road to the next church and that looked promising, NOPE .. LOL .. wrong church again. Of course at that point I looked at my information and realized DUH .. not even close. I get to the right church I'm now late 10 min by this point .. LOL .. ugh .. this is one of those churches it's small with 10 different doors to walk into, I can't find an open door. Seriously the lights are on and the doors are locked .. LOL .. I'm having a serious chat with my higher power going I know you think your funny, so not working for me at the moment!! A little help please. I find a door that has an elevator (yes I'm not kidding an elevator) attached and it's creepy because I've never been to this church and it's on the outside of the church again talking to my HP, really? LOL? Go to the basement where I see lights hoping there is not a meeting of born again serial killers and thankfully they were nice people however they the AA people .. GOOD GRIEF!! Now, I'm late, I've interrupted someone else's meeting AND I still dont' know where to go or how to get there. I go back out the door wind up going up the stairs to the infamous elevator and scare the poor assistant pastor to death or maybe he was the janitor? Bless his heart he's locking the door I just came in to the church. Thankfully he points me in the right direction and around the building I go to the door that is actually open I finally found the meeting I was late and felt horribly rude (again) at least we all had a good laugh about it. As at the end of the meeting someone says I think that AA is meeting in the main hall .. LOL .. YES they are as I've already been there done that .. LOL. At least next week won't be so daunting for me as NOW I know where I'm going .. good grief!!
There are times I swear the universe is a practical joker it seems and I'm the butt of the jokes. LOL. My sense of humor and patience is being tested in new ways!!
It's ok to be scared and to have fears, we spent a lot of time getting to this point and sometimes the universe/emotional stuff gets in the way. Remember, if an A is going to drink they are going to drink, as Tom/Canadianguy brilliantly says what are YOU going to do about YOU?
I can't tell you how many times I wanted to give up last night .. lol .. I kept thinking ok what exactly HP what are you trying to tell me or am I being tested for how bad do I need this meeting. Apparently more than I thought .. LOL. Try, try and try again just keep trying you will make it and it will be worth it because you are worth it!!
Hugs, :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The great thing about this program......You can start over every day. Don't beat yourself up, there will always be a chair waiting for you at the next meeting. Reading the the books will be of tremendous help for you.
Old habits are hard to break. It takes time, one day at a time, and you will know when it's your time. It's easy to continue doing the things we have been doing in the past. In my experience, looking back, I continued to get the same results by doing the same things over and over. Nothing changes when nothing changes, and I realized in time that I needed to change. Little changes in me that made huge changes and made my life better. Accepting that my alcoholic is not going to drink because of you or me, but because that is what alcohoic's do was a lightbulb moment for me.. We are not powerful enough to stop them from drinking and we are not powerful enough to make them start drinking. Once again...they are going to do what they are going to do, what's important is what we are going to do. You have the Courage To Change book, read page 74. It makes the very point I am trying to make here.
Michelle you have come a long way in a short time. Today is a new day. The problems alcohol created in your life didn't happen overnight. They will not go away overnight. What worked for me, and brought me the most reward, was the day I took the focus off my alcoholic and put it where the program told me it belonged...on me. It took time, it took practice, but in time over time, going to f2f meetings, reading my literature, and coming to MIP things changed. I changed.
Keep doing what you are doing.....keep working your program to the best of you ability.....practice keeping all the focus on yourself and your recovery.....and turn you AH over to HP, a power greater than yourself. Changes in us that pay huge benefits to our serenity and peace of mind.
I love the reminder that RLC provided - we really can re-start our program every day :)
Sounds to me like you are struggling with the whole "three C's" and/or step one stuff - your actions suggest that you still think you can "control or influence" your A's drinking.... (I recognize this, as I did the same for at least five years, lol)
My sponsor used to tell me to use the weather analogy, with respect to how much control or influence I had to my AW's drinking.... "Of course I cannot control the weather, but I CAN take an umbrella if it is raining, or put on sunscreen if it is sunny, etc"
Choosing a program of recovery for yourself, and following it regardless of what he does or doesn't do, is our "umbrella or sunscreen"..
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have to have a chant going in my head sometimes as I drive off to a meeting, wondering if he will drink or not while I am gone..."I can't, he can, I'll let him" thats the short version of the first 3 steps. We are powerless over alcohol...alcohol has power over them until they find help in AA, NA, whatever A.... That is why we go to alanon, to get help for our addiction to them. We have built a tolerance up so high that we need the chaos in our lives that they give us. We are addicted to it. When we don't get it, we feel yucky. Alanon helps us break that addiction and focus on us. Keep trying, keep coming, you are worth it! There are the online chat meetings at night too, don't forget. At 9am and 9pm....
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
This is what keeps me coming back! The tremendous support of everyone and kindness in understanding the pain and terror the disease causes in our lives! I was about at my wits end before I logged back on to the board.......my AH needed a ride to pick up his truck from the shop so I took him, he took me to lunch and decided to try my nerves.
He says "now before you go getting all bent out of shape, hear me out" My initial reaction would have been to cry on the spot but after finding MIP and reading the literature I was able to just swallow and say "ok, go ahead" What he wanted to "run by me" was that there was a poker game tonight.....in the back room of a BAR none the less. He wanted to go play. Well needless to say this was a large addicyion of his about 4 years ago that seems to be coming to life again as well.
I will admit I showed fear in my face and let him know that I did not appriciate being left alone as he is doing one of his weekend stints in jail starting tomorrow night. However I said to him, your going to do what you want to do anyway, I appriciate the heads up.
When we got home I cried, worst part is that it was in front of him!!! I know it won't be just playing poker, I know it will lead to drinking as well and I am just so flipping mad.
But it is what it is, and I can't change it!
I appriciate each and every one of you that is there to chime in with experience and wisdom.
Be easy on yourself, you are not going to change over night and that's the hardest part about this disease is the fact we want and expect perfection from ourselves out of the gate and it's just not going to happen. If I act this way or that way, the A is not going to drink. 3 C's .. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you are not going to cure it. It has to be his choice to fix himself just like it's your choice to fix you. So my next question is a toughie .. what are YOU going to do? Are you going to sit and worry (which never moves a rock or rocks a rocking chair) or are you going to do something for you? He knows his circumstances and he's making choices that are not going to be good if he is caught. That's not your problem if his jail time turns into something outside of the weekends.
Hugs and just keep doing the best you can :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
We are told to take care of ourself first. We are told to put all the focus on us and not the alcoholic in our lives. Sometimes we have a such hard time justifing either. We beat ourselves up. We put our alcoholic's needs first and foremost in front of our own because it seems to be the right thing to do at the time. We then suffer the consequences of our own decisions and choices.
From the alcoholic's viewpoint:
The disease dictates for them to always think and put themselves first with no concern for others feelings. Their focus is only on them and usually their next drink, also with no concern for others feelings. Their needs come first and foremost in front of anyone's because thay are going to do what they are going to do.
It's a selfish disease, all consuming, a taker never a giver. It is what it is.......cunning, baffling, and powerful. But I remind myself...... If they can put their needs front and center, is there anything wrong with me doing the same? Absolutely not !!
When I got involved in the program and started doing just that, I was concerned how my alcoholic might view those changes. To my surprise they were hardley noticed. But I noticed. I felt better about myself. I was happier. The more I practiced the easier it became. Then it became a habit........And then it became second nature for me.
It all goes back to how I started this post, which happens to be the first two things I was told the first night I walked through the door of Al-Anon....."RLC always take care of yourself first, and keep the focus on yourself, not the alcoholic in your life". That statement came from someone who had walked in my shoes and wanted me to have what they had, what the program had given them. That's the spirit of my reply.
I know exactly what you're going through. I am new here and have not been to a f2f meeting yet. I live with my AM and I too find it extremely hard to go out because I am constantly worried about her drinking while I'm gone. I have been putting my life on hold because of her and I am slowly realising that I can't do that anymore. She has been told by doctors that she will die if she drinks...I have tried everything to get her to stop but she continues. I have stopped taking her wine out of the house because she will only get more, and I no longer call her 4 or 5 times when I am out because it only upsets me when I call and she has clearly been drinking...I call her once and leave it at that. From what I have heard on here the 3C's are key and I am trying to live by them, it is very, very hard though when it is someone you love.I am going on a 10 day vacation with my BF in a week and I am so crazy with worry about my Mom being alone that I wonder if I can enjoy my vacation, but I know I have to detach myself from my mom in order to do so...and I plan to do that...for me!
RLC said it best...they don't put our needs ahead of theirs...so why should we put theirs ahead of ours...we have to live our lives.
