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As I've said in previous posts, my husband is on a mission to have me declared "sick." Our marriage counselor, it seemed, was confounded by his arguments and anger. He stated that I chose this situation, and reminded me that I drank with him when we began dating, and that I "had more blackouts" than he did. He's taken to suggesting that I might be an alcoholic - usually when he's angry that he is an A. Wow. So, I've actually tried to explore the possibility - only to be told that it is unlikely that I'm an A, just go through phases of codependency.
The truth is that my husband and I had a friendship that developed over the 5-6 years prior to dating. I have never enjoyed drinking, but have done it socially in the past, mostly high school, and some in college. In my lifetime, I think I've had about 4-5 events where I didn't remember details of the night before - usually due to peer pressure and just not knowing what else to do other than drink with the group. I have zero tolerance for alcohol physically. I'm not proud of any of this...
Anyway, to the point. When my husband and I began dating, I told him that I was uncomfortable with his drinking, but quickly realized that I couldn't do a whole lot about it at that time - it was his lifestyle. It was his disease, but it took me some time and education before realizing he had a disease. I did have drinks with him - usually in discomfort, usually not enjoying any of it, usually dreading the long nights of being up with him long after I've stopped drinking, to make sure he is safe. But, it was sometimes the only way I could spend any time with him - because he always wanted to go to bars. Ugh. The only time it was ever fun was when I could dance with some friends. Does this make any sense?
I feel so badly now that I ever drank with him. It was only two months of this during dating, before I pretty much stopped, and began trying to address the alcoholism issue with him. I also began al-anon at that point.
But, I now feel like such an enabler after - after his suggestions. It's been something like 2.5 years since I've even had a drink - the entire duration of our marriage.
I don't know what I'm after here. Just trying to be honest and looking for some meaning and hope.
Thank you.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I feel like I could have written that myself......literally word for word.
I too at the beginning of my marriage used to socially drink, my (active AH) and I had a GREAT time, going out dancing and such until he started drinking way past the time I was ready to go home and go to sleep. I even remember him staying out one night long past our times out together and coming home at 1 in the morning begging me to drive him around to "friends" LOL houses to see if anyone would give him a beer.....BOY that hit me upside the head, "I'm married to an alcoholic" Like you, I have not had a drink in almost 3 years! I was mad at myself for a long time for drinking with him way back when as well, especially when he likes to throw in my face "you knew who I was when you married me" That is his go to with me when he stays out all night and I am a mad woman when he shows up the next day!
I have learned for myself that none of this was my fault! Just because I had drinks with him at the beginning does not mean that it is my fault he is an active alcoholic today.
I have ALOT of issues, don't get me wrong, and I know I have to learn yet to set certain boundaries and stick to them but if there is one thing I know it is that I an not enabling him in that respect as I do not drink, there is never alcohol in the house and I will not buy it for him.
I don't know if sharing my experience with you will help you any but I wanted you to know I have been there too!
My sponsor used to remind me to "stop trying to make sense out of nonsense".....
This is just classic deflection, blame-game, alcoholic game playing on the part of your hubby.... If he can keep turning these things back onto you, or others, he can stay firmly in denial.... Try not to engage him in this nonsense.... Another example that couples counselling, with an active A, is typically not a rewarding experience...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
K - I totally understand what you are saying. I know I enabled my partners drinking and he enabled mine. It happens. I was in the same situation as you in terms of being codependent and wanting to go along with my partner and spend time with him...but he always wanted to go to bars. So....I went to bars and drank. The difference for me was that I did have the underlying potential to become alcoholic. I did progress in my drinking and I did eventually even surpass him in my destructive active alcoholism. So, knowing this, do I feel guilty about going along with his drinking? No. And I don't think he should feel guilty for enabling mine. We were both grown and really the decision to drink was each of ours individually.
I believe enabling is something you want to be aware of, something you might want to work on changing, but not something to feel guilty for in most cases. You didn't plan on this and had no way of knowing he would continue on the trajectory he did.
Alcoholism is progressive and isideous. If we could all see it coming, there would be far less alcoholics out there. Heck, your husband couldn't even see it coming in himself so why blame you? Because he's angry, sick, and it's too much responsibility to accept that it's all on him and he needs to grow up and change. That's why.
My A used to try to keep the focus on me and things I had said or done in the past to deflect/blame and twist things too. Tom called it what it was. I learned when this occurs, because I would kill myself trying to please him and clean myself up as best I could, I put way too much stock into this stuff and just about drove myself crazy. Stay aware and make it to meetings whenever possible. Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
