The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to share an incident that I had yesterday with my ex-AH (who now lives with me). While this incident might appear relatively insignificant when compared to the challenges others have as a result of living with an active or recovering alcoholic, it does show me that attending meetings on a regular basis is quite beneficial.
The ex loves movies and frequently will purchase them instead of renting them (I used to nag him about this, but I don't anymore). However, I've encouraged him to rent them for they are far less expensive. He has seen that I've rented a few from the Red Boxes, an automated, self-serving system located at many local stores. So he takes my suggestion and goes to a Red Box yesterday and tries to rent a movie; he has trouble, and, yep, who does he call? Me, his trouble-shooter (aka rescuer) whom he forget has "retired."
At first, I could sense the "rescuer" wanting to come out of retirement. My thought was "Oh No! I can hear the irritation in his voice and sense his frustration! It reminded me of the countless times I felt the need to rescue him in times of much more serious situations.
Now at meetings, I usually hear about not doing for the A what he/she can do for themselves. At first, I thought I'd help him just a little bit. But he was still having difficulty with my guidance. Then, I truly thought about what I was doing: doing for him what he could do for himself.
So I then told him to follow the directions written on the screen and told him that I had to make several attempts my first time, too. Then hung up the phone.
He was successful; he brought home two movies. Imagine that He didn't need my help.
This incident is very minor in one sense; however, it did show me that I still have that impulse to rescue him. Moreover, it shows me that going to meetings and applying what I learn there enriches my life.
As time goes on, I'm feeling better all the time; in part, it's because I'm recognizing how detrimental it is to do for others what they need to do for themselves.
Al-Anon's principles are making me a better person and a far less worn out person at that! I'm grateful.
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Good job! Great post on enabling or rescuing unfortunatly I share the same compulsion as your husband to buy DVD's rather than rent LOL Thank you for your post! Blessings
Woot woot thanks for the share Gail, funny how we do think someone can't do something and boom there it is they can :) Thank you for the share :)
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This post has reminded me to look at the littlest thing. My son is 8 and I place his clothes on the bed for him every morning. Something he could do for himself.
I have to fight all the time with my son to leave him to do things he is capable of for himself. What a horrible message I send to him when I do things for him. Talk about lowering his self worth.
I am very good with my A about this, but need work where my son is concerned.
I am learning this as well. Others can do for themselves. Including my kids and my A. Thanks for this share!! I used to do a lot for my kids. I am now giving them more responsibilities and letting my A do his thing...at least trying to!! Lol.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
GAILMICHELLE: YOU HAVE ME THINKING? WELL...ANYHOW I BUY DVDS TOO INSTEAD OF RENTING THEM; AM I A LOSER? HA! HA! I HOPE THINGS GO BETTER W/ THE SITUATION W/ THE LESSON YOU LEARNED.
He didn't need my help.