Question about family - Al-Anon Family Group

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

Question about family

clep · Senior Member

My family has been completely supportive of my choices. The family of my A was very angered with our reconcilliation. They believe me to be the reason he drinks.

They started advising him of how bad it would be to be with me again. "Remember how you felt before and what she has done to you".

He let them know his part and that I am not responsible for his choices or actions. His family is quite sick and could not understand.

He ended up letting go of his family. He set a boundary that he did not wish to hear consistently about how I am ruining his life. They were relentless and he ended the relationship for now. He had recovery to concentrate on and it was difficult for him to do that with the badgering.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question
I would think it unreasonable to assume that one should not take thier partner back if they choose to just because they are an A.
However when my sister was married to her now ex husband, he was an unrecovering A and abusive. They had been together on and off over 20 yrs. I got the late night calls her crying about his lastest tantrum, affair whatever. And as the "rescuer" for the family was always there to advise her... deal with her ex face to face, call the police, pack up all his belongings etc. She would throw him out only to take him back and we would all be back in the vicious cycle. The last time she took him back frankly I was DONE. While she asked for adivice, help getting him out of the house etc I spent way to much time trying to rescuing her. I told her I was done. We could talk about anything but him, i was no longer going to get sucked in because in the end I always ended up being the bad guy. As far as I was concerned he didn't exist anymore. If she chose to stay with him that was her business but I no longer had to associate with him and I didn't.
She finally left and divorced him after he physically abused her. She is a recovering A 21 yrs sober. She met another recoverying A in a meeting who is now her boyfriend. I adore him. He treats her like a queen and he works an awesome program.
So yes while when the decision to stay with her Ex was purely hers, I accepted that... but got to the point I did not want to in any way shape or form have anything to do with him. If she wanted to live like that it was her business I did not have to participate by watching him verbally abuse my sister and psychologically abuse her and sit there as if it was perfectly ok. It wasnt to me. So he was no longer allowed in my home and I didn't not go to her home if he was there. My brother took the same tactic ( this was all in my pre alanon days ). Being an addict is one thing in my eyes being abusive is quite another.
Frankly I can say if I had been in alanon during that time I would have detached much sooner
I don't know if the way I handled things was right or wrong I only know that it worked for me.
I don't know your bf's actions or how your family views him. I guess i wouldn't be surprised if they didn't approve of you taking him back but they don't control you. I know that my actions didn't faze my sister much, she did as she pleased until she hit her bottom with him.
I will say that I never let my sisters ex come between her and mines relationship. I would never have dreamed of cutting her out of my life or vice versa. As far as holdays as I said her ex was not welcome in my home so she would celebrate ( if you could call it that) with him then join the rest of the family for dinners etc. Was it hard on her? I have no doubt it was but it worked for us.
I will be interested to hear how your family handles the situation. Like I said I don't know if my actions were right or wrong for all involved, I only know its what worked for me.
Wishing you the best
Blessings

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

I think my brothers think that I am wrong to have stayed and tried to repair things with my alcoholic wife. Truthfully though, what I have learned in working the steps and through many different conversations with people that work a strong program is that as long as I am staying right with my HP and not harming others, what other people think of me is none of my business. What becomes a challenge for me is when others want to voice what they think about me and my choices. Staying calm and collected is difficult but what I often tell my brother or anyone else that does this is something along the lines of, "Thank you, hearing your point of view gives me a point of reference to compare my situation." And that is the truth, I can compare what I've learned in my program and how I feel about myself when others share their opinions about me. I can use what they say as a confirmation of my program or a learning experience. Afterwards I can turn it over to my HP and let it go without any resentments.

Try not to worry about future family getherings, try to stay in today and focus on what today has to offer.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

I tend to believe it's none of their business motto. I have stopped asking for permission to stay or to go. It is up to me in what I choose to do, I have also stopped sharing all of the "wrongs" and accepted my part in our relationship.

They are certainly entitled to their own opinions of the matter, it's ultimately up to me.

Hugs again, :) P :)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I told my family my decission to stay , told them I was in Al-Anon and finding it much easier and saw lots of good changes , I ask them to support my decission and I quit telling them what was going on in our home . they didnt agree but did leave me alone . That was 20 yrs ago and am not sorry I stayed .

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

I think that's my biggest problem... I told them too much... can't take back what was said and they accuse me of defending him and his actions.

You guys rock! Thanks so much! :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Well my alcoholic is not in recovery. But, his family members ask me about his drinking and possible recovery. I am always careful to step out of the triangle and gracefully say that I think it would be a good idea for them to address the subject with him directly.

You see, I used to get sucked into that triangle and it just was not a healthy place for me. I don't want to be the hall monitor or feel like I need to check back in with his family. I always got the impression that they would almost hold me accountable/responsible for not being able to get him to stop. My usual response is I don't know. Mainly because it is none of my business. I just don't want to discolor or taint another person's perspective based on my limited view of things.

It has really worked for me. I no longer get the phone calls or someone pulling me aside at family gatherings asking me about his drinking. Those little loving boundaries with them has really helped me and my relationships tremendously.

Hope that helps,

Tommye

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

First i hope you realize they are not recovering. There is no cure. They will be in recovery until if and when they relapse. This is a lifetime deal.

No one wanted me to be hurt. After being alone for 18 years from first husband dying, they wanted me happy. AH's past was pretty rough. But he had been in recovery a long while, doing great.

But then the brain tumor thing and he turned into a monster and was horrible. No one said I told you so. they were more disappointed as he and I were so happy., they finally got to see the person who had worked so hard to be well, I was blessed to be with him the only time in his life he was truly happy.

I am stubborn, and will work on something till there is nothing left. No one can control you. Maybe some reassurance of, " I know you are concerned, however I am in Al Anon I am learning so much, I am willing to give this a chance."

I was just thinking, you will set the mood. If they see you happy, that is all they care about really. hugs,deb

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I am now living with my ex-AH. I'll share a little background. Then tell you how other family members responded when we reunited.

We were married for 36 years. Then we divorced 13 months ago (June 2010). In Nov. 2010, he entered rehab for the 2nd time. Then again in June 2011. During his last 30-day rehab, I went to visit him weekly. His last withdrawal period, right before entering rehab, was a nightmare. A lot of hallucinations. His immediate family members, 3 brothers, 2 sister-in-laws and mother all were aware of what was going on this time. His brothers sat with him through his withdrawals and "crazy talk" until one of our sons came over and drove him to a rehab where he could safely withdrawal. Brothers quite ignorant of the disease.

While visiting him in rehab this last time, I noticed a significant change of attitude. Not at first. Initially, it was horrendous because I had been a part of his wild hallucinations.

Skipping all the details (I can get caught up in them). I'll fast forward to how family members responded upon learning that I had invited him back into what was and is now "our" home.

Unfortunately, I made the grave error in telling my stepmom just about everything he did, said, and thought to do. It was little wonder that she took two days to respond to my email that informed her he came back. She did tell me that she will support my decision, but she wrote back nothing else. For her, that meant she was concerned. My dad said nothing; but that is his style. I'm certain he is concerned. My sister and brother, both addicts themselves, thought it was great. His family thanked me for supporting him, which was no surprise. However, one of my ex-brother-in-laws was a little sarcastic; to me it appears he thinks I'm a little crazy to take him back. So I didn't get a lot of flack about the decision to invite him back.

Truly, I realize their opinions do not matter. What matters is what I think and feel. What is best for me. Honestly, if it isn't good for me to be with him, then it isn't good for him to be with me.

I agree with Debilyn in that if you decide to try again with your A and it is working, your family members will see this. Actions speak louder than words and reflect the truth of the matter. Anyone can say anything.

I used to worry about what others thought too much. Now, with the help of Al-Anon's principles, I keep my business to myself and strive to stay out of others. There is much more that goes into this, such as developing self-confidence, self-acceptance, letting what is - be, etc. Learning, with loads of practice, to hand your A over to your the HP of your understanding. (I'm still practicing)

I'm glad that I am now focused on the principles that Al-Anon teaches; they are universal truths, really. I focus on them and strive to implement them in my life each day. I take the focus off others, especially when it comes to wondering what they are thinking.

With the help of Al-Anon I am able to live with my recovering A. Like Debilyn said, he will always be a recovering A. He will have to work his program and I work mine in order to make this reunion work. We've both made significant changes and work daily to maintain those changes. One of the program's slogans is It works if you work it. (And to think I was so anti-Al-Anon not that long ago! But I tried the program as the last resort; it works!)

Not sure this helps. I got carried away here!

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