"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

oldergal · Senior Member

Just wondering why its usually the husband?

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think its the husbands who are more apt to be A's, I think its the wives who are more apt to seek this type of help. I wonder - is it harder for a woman to stand up and admit to being an alcoholic? We tend to think of alcoholics as the bum (male) on the corner drinking sterno (what is sterno anyway? fire starter?) Maybe the fact that the women are at home tending the babies whilst the men are at the local tavern avoiding going home to screaming kids (and stepping closer to that alcoholic line) that has something to do with it? Maybe the husbands of the alcoholic wives are stoically going about the business of trying to keep it all together. Aren't women more communicative than men by design (genetically?). I imagine there are more than a few reasons why this board seems heavier in the AH dept. Just musing, adding my questions to yours I suppose .....

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Men are more prone to alcoholism. It is most easly passed from father's to sons. Alcoholism also has to do with not wanting to experience and deal with feelings. Women are better socialized to cope with and express feelings and therefore are not as prone to substance abuse.

These are all generalizations of course and I recognize there are MANY exceptions to these basic trends.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I have never thought of that but I think women alcoholics are coming on strong. I love to go to open AA meetings on a weekly basis and there are just as many women in there as men. In the BB of AA which was published in the 1930's there is a chapter in there called "To Wives". So there is some weight behind the theory but I think the scales are now becoming more balanced.

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

I think the scales are more balanced than one might think, I just think men don't seek the help that alanon offers. I go to a men's meeting that is packed, but there is only one a week in my area and I only see a few of the guys at the other coed a meetings throughout the week. At the men's meeting I hear the guys share some pretty increditble stories or hurt, regret, sorrow and recovery, but they don't share the same stories at the coed meetings. Maybe men need to find a certain level of acceptance before they post on this board or speak a meeting. I know I was lurking here for about six months before I ever signed in and posted anything.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience it is more men are unlikely to seek out support of this nature if they have an A wife. I don't believe thier are nessesarily more A men out there than women. I believe society makes it harder for men to reach out for recovery in some way i think a lot of men see it as a sign of weakness. Men are natural fixers and if they can't fix it they are likely to let it go ( like divorce ).
But the men in this fellowship are great. I don't see them as weak wht so ever I see them as very couragous.
And it is always fasinating and good for me to get a male point of view on things

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Surfingmaestro, glad you are here since you are a guy :) Glad you got out of lurking! :)
Anyway, from my experience, the AA meetings I have been to did have more men than ladies. The NA meeting I went to with my fiance one time had WAY more men than ladies, though there was a core group of ladies sitting together. The alanon meetings I go to have more older women there and I think I am the youngest lady by about 20 years. That meeting has some men too, more like 3-4 to the 9 or 10 women. The men are all self-proclaimed double winners and attend both AA and alanon. Mostly the people in the meetings are about 20 years older than me at least. hmmm
good question. I think the younger crowd go to rehab centers and those are filled with just as many women as men from what I have seen....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism predates the life of Christ by thousands of years and drinking has been and still is mostly a mans' privilege; stand back and do some research then and now (TV ads and such) and the picture gets more highly defined..."It's a man's thing!!" In a conversation with another guy yesterday "it's not as much a man's world as it used to be" was mentioned as women cross the line into territory once ruled by guys. We have little gals here in town driving jacked up diesel dually 4X4's which are not their husbands, boyfriends or s.o.'s. They are also appearing in greater numbers on the DUI and abuse sheets too. Men still appear to be the greater part of the alcoholic and or addicted population. Last week at my neighbor's home there were three drinkers out of four and two were males, one was female and the non-drinker was male. Only question that has value for me today is what side of the issue am I on?

I like the question because it had an affect on why I had trouble seeing my spouse; wife as an alcoholic.

(((((hugs))))) smile

barisax · Senior Member

Well as a male - who also happens to be a sober alcoholic, as well as a member of Alanon, I can only share what I've observed. My own qualifying alcoholics are both male and female - but not a spouse. Primarily my father, and my daughter. It seems like much of the time if I see a man at an Alanon meeting, he's there *with* his wife, and their alcoholic is a son or daughter.

I don't know why fewer men seek Alanon. Plenty are qualified. Men tend to be more "compartmentalized" and either can dump an alcoholic spouse without reservation, or continue to live with them and simply build a wall around that part of their life and continue.

I'm pretty compartmentalized myself, but I don't do a very good job of it when it comes to love and anger. When my daughter was using, and still living at home it just seemed to affect every aspect of my life. I didn't really become active in Alanon until some time later, when she no longer lived at home and she got sober shortly after. I found Alanon just as valuable for dealing with my feelings and dealings once she was sober, because as a fellow AA I had a lot of issues of protectiveness and rather than practicing my Alanon program it was too tempting to get into practicing HER AA program. So Alanon was very beneficial to me there.

But really, I know several guys who could benefit from Alanon, but I can't picture them ever coming to a meeting or even considering it. One long time friend recently dumped his alcoholic wife of nearly 30 years. Heck I've known them so long, I even drank with her... LOL. She has dabbled in AA and other treatment programs - not like they can't afford it - and declared it doesn't work, so convincing my friend to give Alanon a try is pretty much a non-starter. In spite of societal changes, men - and especially self-made men who have accomplished things such as building up a business and making themselves wealthy at a young age - believe in doing things themselves and don't trust other people.

And it's sad to say that money does seem to be an obstacle to recovery in AA and Alanon both. Money can float a person above their worldly bottom for a long long time, while not realizing they are on their spiritual bottom and smothering in the mud. I have nothing to offer my well-off friends other than what I'd say to anybody: when you're ready, when you've had enough, we'll be here.

Barisax

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

The numbers are definitely changing.... Fifty years ago, the % of people in AA who were male, was well over 80% (if memory serves me correctly). Today, that number is closer to 60%.

Many reasons - more women in the workforce, more education & awareness (and thus willingness) to deal with their addiction, etc...

In my experience, alcoholism doesn't play favourites - with gender, race, socio-economic status, geography, etc....

T

All I can be · Senior Member

Some statistics are faulted by not reporting. If the male ego can stand in the way of geting help about the A in his life the sample is invalid.

Active A's are abusive but there are no homes for battered men that I am aware of. Can you picture most males telling their friends they moved to a mens shelter? Even if they are trying to catch or duck flying plates all day I think the survey would be slanted.

Part of my feeling is that faults promote behaviors like excessive drinking. How, when and in whom it will become full alcoholism is a guess at best.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"