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My husband has been sober for over 4 months now and I am so thankful. He is consistently taking his meds and seeing his doctors. He is not going to AA (hasn't gone during any of this sobriety and doesn't want to). I am having a hard time detaching from his depression. I know we can be happy whether they are drinking or not...whether they are depressed or not. I keep trying to give him over to God, but I am so attached/codependent that I take him right back. I just love him so much, and I hurt when I see him hurting. It probably doesn't help that I am all hormonal (we are expecting our third child next month). Yesterday was my birthday, and we had a good time. He seemed fine until we laid down to go to bed. He said that he was still very sad and started mumbling a lot. He said that he should leave me so that I could finally be happy. That I deserved happiness and a better life. I tried just to listen and not say too much. I wanted to be there for him but I didn't want to be drawn in to the pity party if I could help it.
If anyone has any words of wisdom about dealing with sobriety and or depression, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
My wife went through this, it's very easy to get sucked into this. It sounds like you are doing a good job of detaching and not getting sucked in.
Do you go to face to face alanon meetings? When my wife wouldn't attend AA I would hit more meetings than I usually would because she was home to watch the kids. I would go every night, but that was possible because of the close proximity to many meetings. The more I got to meetings the better I got. As I got better my wife saw what the meetings were doing for me and she was really freaked out. She was seeing that her manipulations weren't working on me. Eventually she started going to meetings and this have slowly improved. I guess what I am saying is that if you want to do something for your husband start by taking care of yourself. Expect that they will be uncomfortable with it and tell yourself to be ok with it even if it doesn't feel ok. It's a family disease, one person starts getting better and the dynamic starts changing.
Happy belated birthday :) and congrats on your pregnancy. :)
Have you read the book co dependent no more, m beattie? It's a great read, it's something that has worked so much better for me this time around because i did the work in the book.
Let go and let God come to mind for me. You are doing a good job in detaching it's very hard not to get sucked into things. The f2f meetings really help me put the focus back on me and reminds me that I'm not alone in all of this. And you are so not.
Hugs again,
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have to completely agree with surfingmaestro. Going to meetings for you, in alanon is the only way for you to feel better. It helps us deal with our codependency issues and we can learn how to use the new tools to live by instead of the old ones that were just coping mechinisms. I go to meetings, I have just gotten a sponsor and I read the alanon literature like One day at a time in alanon. Take care of you :) You are worth it! When we get better, it can prompt them to go to meetings and get better.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
My husband has not had a drop to drink in almost 3 years but he has other addictions pills mostly. He is depressed a lot too. He won't come to bed doesn't speak much and lives in his own world. It is sad because we have to small children that love him dearly. He is good to them but sometimes its hard for him. He will make his choices and I have to let him. I have to take care of myself and he has to deal with his choices and I have to deal with mine. He doesn't go to AA meeting but I don't know where I would be without my f2f meetings. It seems selfish to take care of ourselves when for so long we took care of them. I find the best way to deal with things is to let him be who he is and if I have a problem with it I talk to him in a pleasant non confrontational way. It has helped but there are days when I want to go back to the old way of thinking and when I do I get on here or go to a meeting or read literature. Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.
My wife went through this, it's very easy to get sucked into this. It sounds like you are doing a good job of detaching and not getting sucked in.
Do you go to face to face alanon meetings? When my wife wouldn't attend AA I would hit more meetings than I usually would because she was home to watch the kids. I would go every night, but that was possible because of the close proximity to many meetings. The more I got to meetings the better I got. As I got better my wife saw what the meetings were doing for me and she was really freaked out. She was seeing that her manipulations weren't working on me. Eventually she started going to meetings and this have slowly improved. I guess what I am saying is that if you want to do something for your husband start by taking care of yourself. Expect that they will be uncomfortable with it and tell yourself to be ok with it even if it doesn't feel ok. It's a family disease, one person starts getting better and the dynamic starts changing.
I just want to add that it's important to go to meetings for YOU, not for the purpose of getting them to change. Work on the change for YOU and maybe it will be an impetus for change in him, and it may not. Either way, you will have positive change for YOU.
I so feel for you and can only share experince with my own depression and how my husband handled it. Neither of us are A's but I sufferred a severe bout of depression, where I ended up not leaving my home for over a year and obviously losing my job. My husband is on disability so he was home with me all day and while i could see how I was hurting him with my actions I honestly didn't care. He has a lot of hobbies and yes he did his best to take care of me, if i brushed off his overtures of trying to help me he just let it go and he went about his business.... which i preferred. I was grateful he didn't keep bothering me to eat or go somewhere or do anything at all. He would ask once and be done. But just his presence was a comfort to me. So i guess my suggestion would be to let your husband work this out for himself, it is another thing you are powerless over. Let him know you love him and then go about the business of taking care of you Blessings
I launched into a severe depression in the first few months of my sobriety. Without AA I would have relapsed. He may learn some skills for living sober through trial and error over time, but the learning curve is going to be slower. He presumably has been self medicating and using alcohol to cope with the world and numb his emotions for years. It is going to take longer than a few months to learn to live better and to live without alcohol. Even with a very high level of participation in AA, I didn't start feeling emotionally healthy until after 6 month or so.
Also, he might need his meds tweaked and adjusted. Sometimes that can take several months. You don't really know what meds and how much meds work for him cuz he has never done the meds without adding copious amount of a major depressant (alcohol).
It wasn't my dream to "wind up in AA" someday but, in reality, AA is a great organization and a great way of life. Too bad he has such reservations. People cling to misery out of fear. It's a shame.
I love what Pushka and many others shared here and happy belated birthday also. The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, it helped me sooo much. I am sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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