"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Doozy · Senior Member

Couple's / Marriage Counseling ??

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sad to say this.When a person is an active alcoholic or other drug user,their brain is NOT normal. They cannot use a sick brain anymore than a broken arm!

They do not have the capacity to take in information and put it to practice, they will lie about most of what they say.The manipulation would be even worse.

When they drink, it affects every part of their body. Our bodies need water, organs need LOTS of water, when they get alcohol that is right in the blood stream into them, the organs do not work correctly.

The poisons in the alcohold don't filter thru the liver correctly.

I know it is hard to understand and face believe me. But he is a very sick person. Its like asking someone with brain cancer/brain damage to think straight.

Hugs honey. best thing to do is for you to cont. in Alanon!

hugs,debilyn

Counseling is completely moot when the primary issue is addiction, especially active addiction.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

This is just my opinion but I feel that a practicing alcoholic dosent know the truth -thier thinking is distorted .. separate counceling with Al-Anon for you could work wonders .. Louise

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Like my sponsor says, "You can't have rational discussions with an irrational person." We met with a marriage counselor for mediation meetings soon after I left my AH. The counselor quickly realized that my AH was still actively drinking and suggested that he meet one on one with my AH prior to any further meetings with us a a couple. And what a surprise, my AH told the counselor that it was me who needed help- he was just fine and he didn't need any individual counseling. That was the end of our couple's counseling sessions. And- the mediation was my AH's suggestion in the first place in order to "save our marriage."

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

BTW: I continue to see my own therapist on a weekly basis, along with going to weekly Al-Anon meetings and having a sponsor. My therapist was the one who suggested Al-Anon to me during my first month of meeting with her. Little did I know that her suggestion would save me and provide me with the serenity I now have in my life.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I kept trying to post to this last night and kept getting the boot .. grr .. LOL .. that's a hint to keep it simple .. LOL.

My short and sweet answer is that no for us couples counseling did not work when it became apparent in his session that HE had issues to address as well. Ironically, it happened to be the meeting with a whole other therapist and it was all about him. He is still not ready to address his "issues" which is fine with me now. I have alanon and I'm bringing my own changes to the table. It's just like a cog in an assembly line once I started shifting my behavior lots of other things have changed as well.

P :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Couple's counseling did NOT work for me and my now ex-husband (he was abusive and mean, but not an alcoholic, a computer-game-aholic though) and it didn't work because he would not contribute to the talks. It became "oh what is wrong with youfoundme now?" and "how can we help youfoundme to better deal with what HE is doing or not doing because of computer games" He never took the blame or said his part in anything, it was always about me and my reactions to him. So we got divorced because the arguing never stopped. I know my part now, and I am glad I left him.
Alanon and counseling just for you works great though :)

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

In my opinion, I don't think couple's counseling with an active A would be productive. The A won't be able to tell the truth to the counselor (or to you in counseling) any more than he is capable of doing so outside of counseling. Active alcoholism is insanity.

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

Doozy,

I can share my own experience. I felt extremely guilty to decide on separating and i also wanted some closure on why we had not had sex in 10 years. I thought i was not attractive enough, i thought he had an affair, i thought he was gay, not that there is anything wrong with it, you name it anything and everything. so we went to couple counseling. He had no idea what the pb was, the counselor said you have communciation issues and why dont you try viagra. The real pb was alcoholism and its effects. so i dont want to give you advice but do what you feel is best for you. For me what came out of it is if I had any doubts about alcoholism it just confirmed it. it was another step for me, another experience. I have no regrets going, it just confirmed separaration was the right decision for me.

All the best in your endeavour.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it is unlikely to help, and unfortunately - depending on the quality and 'addictions knowledge' of the counselor, can even be worse than doing nothing..... Couple's counsellor's have been known to suggest such things as "why don't you just cut him some slack", and/or "why don't you join him for a drink", etc...

Just my opinion and experience....

T

clep · Senior Member

Trying to reason at all with an active A is pointless. I wouldn't attempt it. The psychologist we used to have that specialized in addictions and relationships would not work with us until my A was dry and working a program.

Good call on his part.

Chelle3 · Veteran Member

I recently quit marriage counseling with my active A. We were both in therapy separately at first. My therapist refuses to do marriage counseling for anyone who has an active addiction. Because the addiction is active, the person will still put the addiction first and often will not have the time, energy or resources to work on the marriage. Often the issues themselves stem from the addictive behaviors and of course can't be changed while someone is still drinking.

We went to see his counselor for marriage counseling. It was the single MOST destructive thing I have ever done to myself. His therapists theory was that alcoholism wouldn't be worked on as a couple or individually until he diagnosed HIMSELF!!! So the sessions consisted of how I could've reacted differently to different scenarios, most of which invovled alcohol as an issue, but that aspect couldn't be addressed. I tried SO hard to take the therapist's suggestions so our marriage could improve. I felt like my husband would apply half of the suggestions for about a week, then he would slip back to his old ways and the effort was gone.

By the time I quit I was a horrible wreck of low self esteem. I went back to my therapist and I was in the worst condition I'd ever been in. I couldn't tell if my thinking was right or wrong since my husband and his therapist continually tried to convince me that my reactions were inappropriate or needed to be changed. My husband was telling me I was crazy and I started to believe it. It was very harnful and I'm just beginning to regain myself.

My husband does go by himself now and I do see improvements in our relationship from that.

kay115 · Veteran Member

Ugh. This makes it hard to feel optimistic. I am going to repost what I said about this subject in my own topic.

"Since we are just starting off with the counseling, I am not sure how it will go. My plan is to just see what happens. If he wants/is willing to go then I feel we should. If it starts to become a struggle where I feel like I am pushing him to go, then we will stop, and I will pursue individual counseling.

I just don't want to say "hey you aren't ready" if he feels like he is or at least wants to give it a shot. Tonight is appointment 3, so we will see if he decides to go or not. Here is to hoping he does, but being willing to accept it if he doesn't...."

Also, my husband is not a drinker who drinks all the time, but when he drinks he really really goes for it and ends up in a terrible state. So it is unlikely that he would have alcohol in his system during the sessions, but then again, the frequency of drinking has started to increase....so who really knows at this point?

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kay,

FYI- my AH is a binge drinker and was not intoxicated during our marriage counseling sessions. The problem occurred when the counselor soon realized that my AH had a drinking problem and had no desire to stop drinking or to get help for his drinking in order to begin to repair our marriage. That's when the counselor suggested that he only see my AH for counseling prior to us meeting with him again as a couple. This is when my AH stopped the sessions and suggested to the counselor that I was the one who needed help, not him. That's just my experience...

-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 27th of July 2011 04:04:41 PM

Chelle3 · Veteran Member

Hi Kay, my AH didn't drink before counseling sessions either. The disadvantage of marital counseling with an alcoholic is their priorities. By definition, an alcoholic puts alcohol 1st and will be very selfish in his right to drink. It's very difficult for marital counseling to work if you aren't able to meet the other person's needs because of your drinking.

That said, my husband has improved greatly in meeting my needs since going to counseling. I was just negatively affected by it.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been through marriage counseling with my spouse. My counselor was a double winner of both programs. It was a great experience and my spouse really heard the counselor. So for me, it worked out. I am forever grateful to this man because he saw in me the things I could not see within myself. He was the person to strongly encourage me back into the program after a few years away. I cannot say how grateful I am to this man for whom I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration.

Doozy · Senior Member

Wow everybody! Great discussion and I was surprised by the results. Almost everyone said couples counseling wasn't worth doing with an active alcoholic addict, and it seemed like there were pretty strong feelings about it. It's given me a lot to think about.

I was asking just for information really, and not advice, because I'm not actually in the couple anymore. He wasn't willing to talk about the drinking or our relationship or really anything, so I finally had enough and left. I'm doing my own individual counseling and alanon meetings and reading, etc. Very interesting! Thanks to all of you for your posts!I really am going to think a lot on what you've said.

~Doozy

kay115 · Veteran Member

So unfortunately, you guys were right. My AH does not want to go to marriage counseling anymore. I spoke with him during dinner which was before our session was going to take place, and I just said that basically I want him to go only if he wants to. He admitted that he had no desire to go and was only doing it for me because he thought that was what I wanted. Well, of course I want it, but now that I am getting into alanon I realize that forcing him to go is not going to help him or me. So, I broke the news to the counselor that it is just going to be me from now on, and we decided that if he ever changes his mind and wants to come back we are open to it.

It sucks, but I am going to take this opportunity to work on me because I realize that is the only thing I really can do.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"